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Monday, May 19, 2008

MLB Headlines Week 7

Well, boots~ ran away with the voting this week. Or should I say "boots~ walked all over the competition." That's a bit of a worthy fact, I think it's so good I award me the win! Still undefeated!!! Mwa-ha-ha!
Anyway, I suppose I should note that despite declaring never to spend money on the Twins this season I did have a gift certificate for them leftover from a few years ago. That combined with the fact that they have all you can eat seats and I almost always think with my stomach...well...I think with something else first, but stomach second. Anyway, all that combined meant me, Mrs. Dr. Bitz, and friends are going to a game tonight.
Unfortunately, the certificate wasn't enough to cover the tickets. I had to pay an additional $15. But I figured it would be all right since the Twins were in first place and I said that if they traded Santana but could still win, thus proving me wrong, then I would come back to them. The fact that they beat Boston 3 out of 4 highly amused me too.
Of course, after I bought the tickets the Twins lost 5 out of 6 and are now in 4th place in the division. Lame. So the Twins stick to me once again. Damn them...

OK, Headline of the Week:
Berkman as hot as they come

Yeah, no real pun there, but the headline did seem a bit awkward for me. I figure that kind of analysis is best left to Us Weekly or People or something.

May 4th, 2008 – Tigers 0 Diamondbacks 4
Johnson feeling Randy, Shuts down Tigers

May 18th, 2008 - Twins 2 Rockies 6
Twins closer to Heaven in Denver, Fans still in Hell

May 17th, 2008 - Indians 2 Reds 4
Dunn NOT Done, Adam walks off with win

Dr. Bitz:
May 18th, 2008 – Indians 4 Reds 6
Edison lights up Cleveland from the mound

May 18th, 2008 - Brewers 7 Red Sox 11
Ortiz/Braun bash balls into orbit in home run derby of a game

May 16th, 2008 - Twins 4 Rockies 2
Blackburn boils Colorado at unusually low temperature

May 17th, 2008 - Twins 2 Rockies 3
Rockies Cup Runneth Over: Spilborghs single scores winning run

May 18th, 2008 - Twins 2 Rockies 6
Twins continue to make bad teams look good giving Francis first win, Rockies win two-in-a-row after losing six

May 18th, 2008 - Brewers 7 Red Sox 11
Beckett bad but BoSox bombs beat Brewers

Might I add that the Adam Dunn's walk off homer cost one of my fantasy pitchers a win. But I ended up winning the category anyway. Voting is to your left and only votes toward Dr. Bitz count. On to the fantasy baseball log...

11:05 AM - Well, it's shaping up to be an exciting Sunday. And by 'exciting' I mean 'infuriating and heartbreaking.' I'm going up against Teebore and there's a lot of pride at stake. Early this week my team was playing pathetically and Teebore was pulling ahead. Just when I was about to give up Carlos Quentin hit a big time Grand Slam and put me right back into the mix.
My team started going downhill again until Friday. Teebore had a fairly terrible Friday and I had a good one. I actually pulled to a 6-4 category lead and was only down by one Home Run and One Save. However, I knew I was living on borrowed time, because three of his batters on Friday had their game postponed and two of those batters were going to make it up on Saturday. In fact, all three batters who didn't play on Friday made good on their day of rest for they all hit a homerun the next day.
Teebore basically betrayed our friendship by allowing his team to have 9 Runs, 4 Home Runs, 9 RBIs, a Steal, and .326 average on Saturday. I, of course, had no home runs. However, my pitchers were able to strike back at this Judas with a big night of their own. 2 Wins, 3 Saves, 26 Strikeouts, 2.39 ERA, and .95 WHIP. (Although ERA and WHIP don't matter much to me since my pitchers sucked the big one early in the week.)
The interesting thing about the postponed games on Friday is that it actually helped me too. You see, Oliver Perez was supposed to play on Saturday, but the postponed gamed bumped his start to Sunday. This means on Saturday I only had 3 pitchers going. I originally had reliever Ryan Franklin out of the lineup but was able to put him in and he ended up getting a Win. Good times.
So, after all that, here's how things shake out:

Me: 23 4 30 3 .290 4 6 57 4.36 1.49
Him: 27 9 29 1 .241 2 5 32 2.79 1.35

As you can see most of the categories are up for grabs. Home runs, ERA, and WHIP should go to Teebore. I SHOULD win AVG and Strikeouts. Teebore does have four starting pitchers going today, but still, 25 Strikeouts is a lot to make up, especially with me having two starting pitchers today. Everything else is very much in doubt. He'll probably have more batters going than me, though, since The Black Hole Formerly Known As Travis Hafner isn't even playing this weekend because it's interleague and Travis Hafner sucks at fielding...oh yeah...he sucks at hitting too. There's this stupid rule about a team only having 4 player adds a week and I used all 4 adds already because all reports were The Black Hole was going to play this weekend. He didn't and now I can't sub for him.
I suppose I shouldn't be too critical though, The Black Hole Formerly Known As Travis Hafner did have a pinch hit solo home run on Friday. Beyond Hafner, it's a day game after a night game so we all know a certain Minnesota Catcher won't be playing. So we'll see what my line-up minus two players can do this Sunday. Rest assured, I will probably end up in a Hulk-like rage by day's end.

11:44 PM - Just noticed David Ortiz is out of Teebore's lineup today. Interesting strategy, especially since he hit a three-run homer yesterday. But maybe Teebore knows something I don't. Or maybe this is a residual from Friday and Saturday, where on Friday Alex Rios was out of his line up and Adam LaRoche was in and LaRoche went 0 for 4 while Rios went 2 for 4 with a Run and RBI. So on Saturday Teebore put Rios in the lineup and took LaRoche out of the lineup and, you guessed it, Rios went one for five and LaRoche went two for five with a Run and an RBI. I, of course, would've burned down my house after this (but would save the sliding glass door to push You-Know-Who through it). It looks like Teebore's solution was to put them both in his lineup. Or maybe Ortiz isn't supposed to play today. We'll find out soon enough.

11:49 PM - After all that diatribe I noticed that David Ortiz is now in Teebore's lineup. LaRoche is out. Expect a big game from LaRoche.

12:24 PM - Well, Kansas City is beating Florida by 2 after the top of the first. Which is good since Teebore has Florida's closer. And Teebore's rookie phenom pitcher Edison Volquez has already allowed two baserunners without getting an out. Keep it up Volquez!

12:30 PM - Hanley Ramirez struck out looking. Stupid Han-Ram. Has no bearing on this week, but I hate Hanley Ramirez...because he's good...and not on my team.

12:31 PM - And of course Edison Volquez gets out of the inning unscathed. Stupid...good for nothing...universe...always plotting against me.

12:42 PM - First batter of the day is Brandon Phillips...RBI ground out to second. Decent, I suppose. Of course, it gives Teebore's pitcher a lead and I don't want him getting the Win!

12:44 PM - And of course Ryan Braun refuses to NOT hit homers. Way to go boots~, trading Braun for a gimpy Chone Figgins. Way to go. RBI category is tied.

12:50 PM - My suspicions were confirmed. Joe Mauer is out of the lineup today. You know how I knew that was going to happen? Because of the kids. They called him Mr. Glass!!!

12:58 PM - David Ortiz with an RBI double. Well this Sunday's turning out swell...

1:03 PM - Teebore's catcher managing play three games in a row...go figure.

1:11 PM - Youkilis flied out to center. After last weeks stellar performance he's pretty much done nothing. I figured he'd have a bad week when they kept him out of the lineup on Monday for no good reason.

1:23 PM - No real change. I'll get some lunch.

1:38 PM - Picked up some lunch and came back to see my team is 0 for 5 with an RBI and I also noticed that David Ortiz has hit a home run for Teebore. Excellent. My sandwich will taste all the more bitter because of it.

1:43 PM - Just noticed that the Boston/Milwaukee game is on TBS (which is odd) so now I get to watch my misery in real time instead of Stattracker. Yay!

1:47 PM - Got to see my first hit of the day in real time. Youkilis is with a harmless single.

1:52 PM - Giovanni Soto just got out. Serves him right for thinking a catcher can play on Sundays. He hits home runs too! That's how you know Teebore hates Minnesota. He has a catcher on his team that hits home runs. How disgusting!

2:00 PM - Well, Youkilis just got a Run...basically a deck chair thrown off the Titanic...

2:03 PM - For some reason I'm nervous about my pitching staff. Maybe it's because I have a pitcher in rain delay. But so does Teebore. It's odd, but 2 against 4 felt more comforting to me than 1 against 3. Let's just say my Spidey-sense is tingling.

2:05 PM - RBI single for Brandon Phillips, which is good. Carl Crawford grounded out, which is bad.

2:09 PM - Well, Teebore's B.J. Upton could succeed where Carl Crawford failed and got Iwamura in from second base. Anybody surprised? Didn't think so.

2:10 PM - Miguel 'Spicy' Tejada hit into a double play...whatever...

2:13 PM - Teebore's mid-week pickup Emil Brown just scored a run. Fantasy Baseball rules.

2:17 PM - Oh good, I get to see a David Ortiz hit a home run in real time. Because I was so sad I missed the first one.

2:21 PM - Youkilis says, "Hey, if Big Poppi can hit a two home runs in a game, then I can certainly hit another seeing eye single!" And he did! Take that Teebore!

2:22 PM - Hunter Pence says, "Hey, Youkilis hit a single? We can't have too many people get hits for Dr. Bitz on a Sunday, time to strike out looking." And he did! God...I something. I don't know what. I'll be back later.

2:28 PM - I am going to go do something soon, but I have to mention that Cuddyer was on third with no outs and the Twins failed to get him home. The Twins have turned that kind of a thing into an art form.

2:30 PM - Seriously, I'm going to leave, but I noticed Ryan Braun was up to bat on Stattracker so I flipped over to TBS just in time to see that Ryan Braun has hit another home run. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a toaster and a bathtub filled with water calling my name.

3:08 PM - Alright, showered up, put some pants on, heard the Twins get a one out triple but failed to get the guy home. Things seem to be on par, aside from the fact that Youkilis hit a two-run homer. It's good, but again, Titanic...deck chair. You know the drill.

3:10 PM - I see that Lannan, my pitcher that was in a rain delay, is now pitching. Up by one after two innings, has two strike outs, not bad. My Spidey-sense is subsiding.

3:17 PM - Both 'Spicy' Tejada and 'No Sliding Glass Doors...No Sliding Glass Doors EVER!!!' Pence are 1 for 2 with a run each. My Astros are producing nicely for me these days. Now if I could only get the Astro known as Lance Berkman. *starts drooling*

3:20 PM - Stupid BJ Upton got a steal. Now I'm only ahead by one and with Jose Reyes still to play tonight my Steals lead is suspect.

3:21 PM - The Black Hole Formerly Known As Travis Hafner coaxed a pinch hit walk. I'd rather have a home run. But maybe he can steal a base! But since it's the ninth it'll probably be stupidly ruled 'defensive indifference.'

3:22 PM - Lance Berkman is 1 for 2 and according Yahoo! is now hitting .400 on the season. I hate that guy, because he's good and not on my team. Beyond that, when I see his picture it reminds me of Parkman from Heroes, which simply annoys me more.

3:24 PM - Hey, Tejada with and RBI double and then scores. That's good but will probably prove to ultimately be meaningless.

3:27 PM - Well, now both Braun and Ortiz have 2 runs, 2 homeruns, and 4 RBIs each. Sounds about right.

3:28 PM - Rookie Phenom Edison Volquez picks up a win...not good. Marcum pitched an inning and then was taken out of the game because of a long rain delay. that means he can't get a win...good.

3:34 PM - Lead off double by the Twins finally comes around to score thanks to a two-run homer by Morneau. Good for the Twins, but bad for the Fantasy Baseball Sunday Log. I had a good cheap shot against Mauer all lined up.

3:38 PM - "Crawford homered to deep center" You're not going to steal bases that way, Crawford!

3:59 PM - Miguel 'Spicy' Tejada singled. Steal! Steal! Steal!

4:02 PM - No steal. Berkman grounds into fielder's choice. Now Tejada isn't even on base.

4:04 PM - Pence singled. Steal! Steal! Steal!

4:07 PM - No steal. Loretta grounded into fielder's choice. Inning over.

4:10 PM - OK, here we go. The Twins get a lead off double but fail to get the guy home. You know, Mauer has been known to have a good batting average, maybe he could've helped drive in a run. Too bad he's too busy being confined to a wheelchair and rigging a train to crash.

4:12 PM - Bradley homered to cut the Houston lead to 3 making it a save situation. Not good...not good at all.

4:15 PM - Murphy homered. You best take the lead, Rangers!

4:29 PM - Chris B. Young gets a 2 RBI double to salt away that category. That B. pissing me off.

4:32 PM - Houston and Arizona are both in save situations now. Things are shaping up good for Teebore's closers. The storm clouds are gathering.

4:33 PM - Two run homer by Quentin. Kind of good, but now Danks is looking to get a win for Teebore. Can't say I approve of that.

4:35 PM - Twins walk a run in against Rockies' pitcher who was batting. Yeah. Double whammy. Because not only will the Twins lose the game, but that took Colorado out of a save situation. Guess who has Colorado's closer? Things are looking bleak.

4:37 PM - After 7 scoreless inning for Lannan, now he has a man on Second and Third with one out and a tentative 2-0 lead. His Win is in serious the damned charts.

4:41 PM - Just saw a Famous Dave's Barbecue commercial. Does anyone else find it disturbing that their mascot is a pig salivating over what appears to be barbecue ribs? I suppose it could be worse, it could be pork...

4:44 PM - Lannan's game is now in rain delay. I have no idea what happens if the game is rained out.

4:46 PM - Twin's go quietly in the 8th. Prediction? Fuentes is brought out in the ninth thus ensuring that he can't get the save.

4:56 PM - Valverde's pitching in the 9th with a one run lead. I need him to blow this save...

4:59 PM - One out in the 9th for Valverde.

5:01 PM - Two outs in the 9th for Valverde. A solo home run for Texas would be really nice for me.

5:03 PM - Laird singles for Texas. A big two run homer would be sweet.

5:08 PM - Boggs struck out swinging. Save for Teebore. Now the category will be tied at best, lost at worst. Story of my fantasy baseball life. Open up a window of hope then slam it down on my fingers.

5:16 PM - San Francisco ties the game up against Chicago. That's big time. Danks can't get the win now.

5:21 PM - Well the Washington game resumed and now I need Rauch to pitch a scoreless ninth inning to get Lannan the win.

5:22 PM - Markakis strikes out swinging...good...good.

5:23 PM - Millar popped out to left...good...good.

5:26 PM - Payton popped out to third base...excellent.

5:32 PM - White Sox up by 9 now in the 8th. Not a big deal fantasy wise, but Quentin is second up in the ninth which means realistically the best he can do is a two run homer which would still put me one RBI behind Teebore. I suppose I could hope for a steal.

5:36 PM - Lyon comes in with a four run lead which means no save opportunity for him. Looks like Teebore and I are tying that category. I wouldn't mind if Lyon has a high WHIP though.

5:41 PM - If by 'having a high WHIP' I meant 'pitch a scoreless inning' then I got exactly what I wanted from Lyon.

5:50 PM - Well...Quentin singled. But considering A.J. Pierzynski is on second I doubt a steal is in order.

5:54 PM - Jermaine Dye singled. A.J. score and Quentin is at third. I don't know, he could steal home...right?

6:30 PM - Here's where we're at. All my batters are done but Teebore has Jose Reyes going tonight. So unless Jose Reyes gets negative 2 Runs, negative 7 home runs, and negative 4 RBIs, those categories are Teebore's. And realistically, 7 negative Home Runs in a game? I don't think that's happened since the 1930s. I'm only up by one steal, and if you don't think Jose Reyes can bust out a steal or eight you don't know baseball. So that category is very much in doubt.
I don't care how good of game Jose Reyes has, I don't think he's going to make up .56 points in batting average. So I'm safe there.
There's one game tonight, Mets versus Yankees. I have Oliver Perez pitching for the Mets going and Teebore's got Chien-Ming Wang pitching for the Yankees. I doubt Chien-Ming Wang can get two Wins to tie that category, since that's an impossibility. Saves are done for and officially tied. I doubt Wang can get the 14 Strikeouts necessary while Perez gets none to tie that category. So those categories are over with.
Teebore's got a 3.04 ERA while I have a 4.08 ERA. I don't think one pitching performance can make that up that gap this late in the week.
The only interesting pitching stat left is WHIP. I'm at 1.42 and he's at 1.37 and so that's very much in doubt. The bad part is Wang's WHIP for the season, 1.17. Oliver Perez's WHIP on the season? 1.56...ouch.
Thus, since Reyes is going against Teebore's pitcher and since I'm up by one steal, I would be happy if Reyes hit a home run in all of his at bats. Really, tonight's game is going to boiled down to two stats, Steals and WHIPs. Lets see if I can hold on to the former and take over the latter...

7:58 PM - Its been a pitcher's duel. Through 3 innings it's scoreless. Perez has had two walks and Wang just gave up a double to Reyes. I'm nervous about a steal.

8:00 PM - Reyes got caught in a fielders choice. Phew. Now Wang needs to give up like 8 hits in a row. And Reyes could hit a home run his next at bat.

8:22 PM - Well, the Mets pretty much listened to me. Except Reyes hit a fly out to end the inning instead of a home run. Still, I'm now down by just .01 in WHIP. But the fact that I'm relying on Oliver Perez for WHIP makes me...nervous.

8:27 PM - And of course Oliver Perez promptly gives up two hits in a row, including a home run...damnit.

9:23 PM - Well, my WHIP is .03 higher than Teebore's. I have a feeling that was Perez's last inning. Hopefully Wang comes back for one more inning and give up a whole bunch of hits/walks without getting an out.

9:26 PM - Wang gave up a hit. I'm only .01 WHIP behind him. I need Wang to give up one maybe two more hits then take him out and not let Perez pitch. Let's see what happens.

9:31 PM - Wang's left the game. Down by .01 WHIP I need...NEED...Perez to come in and pitch another inning. Preferably perfect, but maybe even a one hitter/walker would work. The windows open but I'm bracing myself.

9:34 PM - WTF? The Yankees are intentionally walking the first batter for the new pitcher? Wang could've done that! God Damnit...

9:40 PM - Reyes hits a three-run homer, naturally not against Wang. whatever. I just saw Oliver Perez put his baseball cap on for presumably another inning of pitching. C'mon, a perfect inning here would be huge!

9:45 PM - One out for Perez...

9:46 PM - Two outs for hit yet...Teebore and I are officially tied in WHIP. One more out...c' more out.

9:47 PM - And Perez is taken out of the game after more out and I could've possibly taken the we're lamely tied. I was all ready to rip off my shirt Brandi Chastain style and now...nothing. It's like your parents walking in on you in the middle of sex!

10:29 PM - So...after a titanic slugfest that ended with a whimper, this is the final score:

Me: 31 7 38 3 .304 6 6 66 3.93 1.35
Him: 33 14 44 2 .251 3 6 49 3.57 1.35

After all the drama of this Sunday I end up kissing my sister. Not literally, of course. Who do I look like, Quicksilver? Nah, I mean we tied. If only one of my 4 closers got a save today...if only Oliver Perez pitched for one more out. If only. I suppose Teebore's thinking similar things. Like how his 'ultra fast' team managed only 2 stolen bases this week. But really, let's look at this.
My Sunday line looked like this: 8 Runs, 3 Home Runs, 8 RBI, and .387 average. Aside from the no steals, that looks like a pretty good day...unless you're going against this: 6 Runs, 5 Home Runs, 15 RBI, 1 Steal, and a .306 batting average. You see what happened there? His team saw that Teebore had a good cushion in the run department so they got an acceptable amount of runs and instead focused on RBI. I wish I new what is was like to face me on a Sunday in Fantasy Baseball. You've got like a 80% chance of having an incredible hitting performance. I think boots~ was more the exception than the rule. I should ask Teebore how it feels to drink the elixir that is facing me in Fantasy Baseball.

Nemesis of the Week:
Interestingly enough, Teebore had a few duds on his team for this week. Of course, some other players had big weeks to make up for it. Ortiz had three home runs this weekend, Jose Reyes and 'The Anti-Minnesotan' Giovanni Soto both had a couple of home runs on the week. (Soto, you're a catcher, and all Minnesotans know catchers shouldn't hit home runs or play more than two games in a row.)
Anyway, I think we all know who the nemesis of the week is, the dream of the everyday housewife, the Brawny man himself, Ryan Braun. He decided to book end the week with multi-home run games. So not only did I start off this week hating him, he made sure I ended the week hating him too. His line looked like this: 8 Runs, 6 Home Runs, 10 RBI, and a .345 batting average. Good thing he didn't steal any bases or I would have had to murder him. Then I'd be in jail and no longer blogging.
But seriously, worst of all, Teebore gave away a gimpy player to get this guy who terrorized me so. Sure, boots~ didn't know his man-crush Chone Figgins would get hurt the day after the trade went through, but still!!! I shouldn't have to face Ryan Braun any more than I have to.

Savior of the Week:
Should I have a savior in a week that ends in a tie? Especially when all my players performed admirably but nobody stood above the rest? I'm tempted to give it to the Black Hole Formerly Known As Travis Hafner for his stolen base which ultimately proved to be the difference maker. Quentin had the big time grand slam but that was rendered meaningless. Hmmm...
You know what? I'm giving it to an unsung hero of my team, George Sherrill. I picked him up in free agency after the draft and he's tied for the League lead in saves. His line for the week: 4.2 innings pitched, 4 saves, 3 strikeouts, 0.00 ERA, and a .043 WHIP. Keep up the good work, Sherill.

Well, the moral of this story is that ties suck. Figuratively, not literally. Because if ties literally sucked then I'd love them...and I don't.

11:45 PM - Teebore mails me this at the end of his headlines:


Mets 11 Yankees 2: Reyes hits even more useless home runs instead of stealing *explative deleted*ing bases which is what he's supposed to do.

Yeah, the guy who hit 14 home runs for the week is complaining. That's fantasy baseball for you.


  1. Oh, like you wouldn't complain if the situation was reversed :)

  2. Oh, and I'm pretty sure the Famous Dave's pig is eating human ribs.

    The question then becomes, is that more or less disturbing?

    Oh, and call the Twins PR people; "Mr. Glass" is the new official nickname of Mauer.

  3. I never got to comment on the whole SNAKE EYES vs. BATMAN poll.

    SNAKE EYES would kick Batman's ass in the same way that Wesley Willis whooped Batman's ass.

    End of story.

  4. And since you're so certain Snake-Eyes would win, I assume, of course, you voted for him in the poll.

    But then, since Batman handily won that poll, completely shutting out Snake-Eyes, I must also assume that Batman kicked Snake-Eyes's ass so hard it wiped out your vote.

  5. I voted for Batman.

    I think you should google "Wesley Willis" and listen to his Batman song.


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