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Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Magical Adhesive

You know what I do every morning before going to work? I put my shoes on and tie my laces. Actually, most of the time I just jam my feet into my already tied shoes and ruin the heel in the process. I always wish there was an easier way to secure my feet in my shoes without bothering with shoe laces. That's when I remember that, as long as I've been alive, there has been an easier answer.

When I was growing up I didn’t learn how to tie my shoes until third or fourth grade. That was much later than most kids. Why did it take me so long? Because learning to tie your shoes is a difficult and cumbersome process that is completely unnecessary since some shoes come with the magical material known as Velcro.

Eventually I bowed to the pressures of society and donned the laced shoes. Then, while I was in college, I regained my senses and got back to my roots. I rocked the 'Cro for an entire year and what a glorious year it was! Since then I've been buying Vegetarian shoes and they, unfortunately, only come with laces. But I wish they’d make Velcro shoes. In fact, all shoes should be Velcro. Name one reason why they shouldn’t?

Velcro is quick, clean, and easy. Laces take twice as long to tie as it does to use Velcro. When you buy a new pair of shoes you usually have to spend a good five to ten minutes lacing them up for the first time. With Velcro, you buy the shoes and you're good to go. Sometimes, that plastic stuff on the ends of laces can come off and the laces fray and if your shoes become unlaced it's near impossible to lace them back up again. Let’s also not forget that if you're not paying attention some wise guy can sneak up and tie your shoelaces together. Then, once you try to walk you trip over your feet and break your nose. It sucks. But that little prank can easily be foiled by simply using Velcro.

When you get right down to it, the only thing shoe laces have over Velcro, according to some, is that laces look better. Well, arguing aesthetics over functionality with me won't get you very far. Beyond that, I'm sure if somebody tried they could make some real swanky looking Velcro shoes.

If I haven't convinced you yet, think about this. With the success of the Harry Potter novels and the Lord of the Rings movies magic and fantasy has had a bit of a renaissance. More and more fantasy movies and books are being made. Magic is in! So why wouldn't you want to have an adhesive on your shoe born from witchcraft? And if you don't think Velcro isn't made by some dark and powerful magic, you're sadly mistaken.

Try this little experiment on for size. Cut out two strips of your carpet. Now press those two strips together. Did they stick? I didn't think so. That’s because they weren’t imbued with magic! Now, I've heard theories about nylon hooks and loops and let's just put it this way. I mocked up a hook-and-loop prototype with cardboard and dental floss that supposedly mimicked the science of Velcro and, needless to say, it didn't work out...because Velcro is magic.

Have you ever toured a Velcro factory? Of course you haven't. That's because they don't allow tour groups in. They don't want anyone to witness the dark rituals that take place within the walls of the Velcro factory.

Despite all those facts, Velcro is still looked down upon. They’re viewed like training wheels on a bike or something. Apparently, Velcro is seen as only for children and ignoramuses. Learning to tie your shoes is considered some sort of coming of age rite of passage. As if learning to tie knots is some incredible feat of intelligence.

I can do long division by hand, if necessary, but when I have to divide 5 into 37 at work I'm busting out my calculator. Everybody uses the remote control instead of getting up to change the channel using the buttons on the TV itself. People who use the remote control are not looked down upon as too stupid to know how to use the channel button on the physical TV. You know why? Because everyone sees that it's just plain easier to use the remote. Employers around the world emphasize working smarter not harder. Well, that's exactly what wearing Velcro instead of shoe laces is. It's smarter.

So, let's shed our misplaced biases and give a little love for the magical adhesive. It’s time we all start “Rocking the 'Cro.”


  1. This post is one of the best posts ever.

    On the today show today they were talking about what products you want to come back because some old school stuff is going to come back or something.

    you should have a protest to laces! maybe march around the mall of america with a huge shoe?

  2. If I were to protest laces at Mall of America, which is a good idea, I'd carry a sign displaying a shoe with laces crossed out, I'd wear a shirt that says "Rock the 'Cro!", and I'd have a boom box that plays this song I found that you can listen to by clicking on the picture of the witch at the bottom of the post.

  3. I'm with you 100%...there is absolutely no good reason for the shoelace to have the position of prominence amongst footwear fasteners. Velcro just makes too much damn sense.

    Sadly though, I don't know that you'll ever be able to find Vegetarian Velcro, considering all the eyes of newt and gorilla toes that are needed for the arcane spells that birth Velcro into our otherwise mundane world.


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