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Monday, June 2, 2008

MLB Headlines Week 9

Alright, so I went through a little crisis. I couldn't decide whether to do away with the MLB Headlines or not. boots~ was a bit in favor of eliminating the headlines but Teebore was not. Teebore enjoys writing the headlines. I told Teebore that our fans may be clamoring for the headlines to go away. Teebore responded by saying "the fans can blow me." I eventually realized that Teebore wasn't speaking metaphorically but was saying that literally. He literally wants each and every one of his fans to blow him. But then again, we already knew about Teebore's sexual deviancy.
However, none of that helped me decide what to do about the headlines. The poll I set up gave me...ambiguous results at best, although technically keeping the headlines won out. Even me winning the headlines voting this week didn't rejuvenate me.
Then, last week, I visited There I saw a headline so incredible, so awe-inspiring, that I was reminded why I started this in the first place. I realized that I haven't reached a fraction of what these headline writers can do. I needed to refocus and try to come up with headlines that are on par with their's. Then, someday, some headline writer will stumble upon this blog and say, "I like this kid's potential!" and hire me.
That is my dream. That is what I strive for.

So, without further adieu... Headline of the Week:
You don't mess with the Johan in Mets' win

Brilliant. Do you think mlb gets paid for the cross promotion? I love that headline. So in honor of that headline, I will present an all movie edition of my puns.

June 1st, 2008 – Mariners 5 Phillies 7
CHASE-ing history. Scrawny, white 2nd Basemen Homers again!

June 1st, 2008 - White Sox 3 Rays 4
HOWELL wins. HOW-the-hELL does Tampa Bay keep winning?!?!?

June 1st, 2008 - Yankees 1 Twins 5
STUPID (expletive deleted) Abreu! Couldn't have nailed Nick in the 6th inning so he would have gotten the win?!?!? I hope your shower "friend" forgets the lube, Bobby!

Dr. Bitz:
May 31st, 2008 - Yankees 7 Twins 6
Boof hardly an Ironman in 5 inning pitching performance

June 1st, 2008 - Braves 2 Reds 6
Bruce enters like a dragon and hits second home run in win against Atlanta

June 1st, 2008 - Astros 1 Brewers 10
Chacon gives Battlefield Earth-like performance on the mound against Brewers

June 1st, 2008 – Yankees 1 Twins 5
Twins yank a win away from New York

May 31st, 2008 - Twins 6 Yankees 7
Boof biffs, Wang whiffs, but Abreu breaks the tie to bid the game adieu.

June 1st, 2008 - White Sox 3 Rays 4
Buehrle weak as Gabe Gross gets game winner

As always, voting to you left. And now onto an unexciting and exceptionally bitter Sunday Fantasy Baseball Blog.
10:57 PM - Since I'm helping my brother move tomorrow I starting my log Saturday night. The games are over now. Don't know how much of a log there will be tomorrow, but frankly, I don't care. I just watched the Twins in a tie game in the bottom of the 11th have a man on first and second with no outs and the 'heart of the order' coming up yet they failed to score. This extended the game to the 12th where Jeter and Damon, my opponent's Yankees, both singled and Damon managed to score. My Yankee, A-Rod, of course hit a foul out. The Twins went down quietly in the 12th to lose. So the Twins lose, hurt my fantasy team, and helped my opponent's team.
Me: 16 5 28 6 .257 2 2 36 5.68 1.58
Him: 29 4 22 12 .294 5 1 44 3.91 1.38

Yeah, I'm losing again. Yeah, it's to a guy who's not even paying attention to his team. Yeah, I was tied with wins going into Saturday and he had 2 starting pitchers going and got 3 wins. Yeah, you read that correctly. Yeah, I was once dominating strikeouts and am now losing by 8. Yeah, that's because I had Dana Eveland and Glen Perkins and despite only needing a decent performance they both stunk. Yeah, I dropped them and picked up rookie ex-phenom Johnny Cueto for Sunday. Yeah, if I was smart I would've picked a starting pitcher for today then dropped him for Cueto tomorrow. Yeah, I panicked and picked up another starting pitcher for Sunday (a total of four), Andrew Miller, to pitch on Sunday and thus had to take Ryan Franklin out of the lineup. Yeah, that's probably going to end in disaster. Yeah, I hate fantasy baseball.

2:21 PM - Alright, just got back from helping my brother move. See that Mr. Glass is out. No surprise. My Yankee pitcher now has the bases loaded and no outs with Delmon Young batting. I suppose whatever happens here is good. Let's check my official fantasy score...I'm not optimistic.

2:22 PM - By the way, Delmon Young just struck out...Shhhhhhhhhhhhocking.

2:23 PM - Well, I'm now down 3-6. My fleet of pitchers have managed to tie strikeouts so far.

2:24 PM - Well, they took my Florida Pitcher, Miller, out of the game after the 5th with a two run lead. The relief pitcher has promptly given up two runs. So no win there. Basically, the best I can hope for now is a tie in Wins.

2:25 PM - Nice game by Cueto, 7 innings, 2 runs, .71 WHIP. Only 3 strike outs though, which is disappointing for Cueto.

2:27 PM - Looks like Carlos Quentin and Carl Crawford were both not playing today. I assume they were benched out of spite.

2:29 PM - After Young, Rasner gave up a sacrifice fly and and struck the next guy out. So I'm leading in strike outs.

2:30 PM - So far my limited roster for today is 2 for 10 with one RBI. Keep up the good work guys.

2:32 PM - Well, Derek Jeter homered. Bad for Twins, bad for me. Home runs are tied now.

2:34 PM - Blackburn just got nailed in the face by a ball. That sucks. At least he's conscious.

2:56 PM - Pence grounded out to second. Yeah...I'm so down on my team right now I can't even come up with a good sliding glass door cheap shot.

3:00 PM - Well, Cueto got the win. Probably will be meaningless.

4:04 PM - Well, I took a little nap. The Twins won. Which pretty much ends any bid I had for winning or tieing wins. Not much else has changed. Carl Crawford came in late in his game to add a ground out to my line. My team is 3 for 21 with an RBI. I'm pretty much down to hoping Casey Kotchman hits a home run.

4:11 PM - Well, Fuentes came in and pitched a perfect 8th. I need Colorado to come into the 9th and score 3 runs to be in line for a vulture win.

4:21 PM - Yeah...that didn't happen.

5:02 PM - Well, it looks likes my pitchers are done. I should get one more win which should leave me one win short. I'll fall .04 points short in WHIP and I'll lose ERA. If I'm lucky Casey Kotchman will have one more at bat in his game and will hit a home run. Not likely, though.

5:37 PM - Kotchman got to bat....and he grounded into a fielder's choice. I'll be back with the final wrap up.

11:19 PM - Yeah, sorry the log stunk this week. I'm just more bitter than usual. Here's the final log:

Me: 17 5 29 6 .246 4 2 52 4.65 1.42
Him: 36 5 25 12 .305 5 1 44 3.91 1.38

17 Runs by me is pathetic. 5 home runs is nothing to write home about either. The .246 average is lame. 29 RBI and 6 steals is decent. Although, 6 steals is nothing compared to my opponent's 12 steals. 4 Wins is OK but I lost. 2 saves is pathetic but I won. 52 strikeouts is the only good category I had. 4.65 ERA and 1.42 WHIP are both lame. Creepily, I had the same WHIP this week as last week.

Nemesis of The Week:
His two Yankees were pissing me off, but mostly because they were doing better than my Yankee...and hurting the Twins. But really, I think the nemesis of the week is Shane Victorino. He only had 2 RBIs and had no home runs. But 4 steals is a lot and a .435 average is sick. But what really set him apart was his whopping 12 Runs. That's nearing my total runs this week for my entire team. That's just unacceptable.

No savior for this week of sucktitude. All my players should be ashamed of themselves.

The moral of this week is...I don't know, don't play fantasy baseball because it'll only enrage you? But that could be the moral of every week, I suppose.

1 comment:

  1. How do I vote for the headline? That's a classic.

    Also, I want to know who the two people are that don't read our blog, yet somehow managed to vote for that in the poll. I mean, they don't read it, so did they just randomly and blindly click on stuff, and lucked out enough that one of those clicks landed in the little voting circle next to the appropriate choice?

    "I'm so down on my team right now I can't even come up with a good sliding glass door cheap shot."

    You know as far as I'm concerned it doesn't even have to be a good one...


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