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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Purple Redemption

***WARNING: This post contains spoilers for nearly everything. If you haven't read all the Harry Potter books, seen all the Star Wars movies, and watched the Buffy the Vampire television series then you may want to stay away. (Unless you don't care about those things being spoiled.)***

It's official. Brett Favre is a Viking. He even played in Friday's Viking preseason game. It was a surreal experience to say the least. But I'm in favor of the move and here's why:

1. Even at the age of 39-going-on-40 and coming to the team halfway through preseason, Brett Favre is still a better option at quarterback than anything the Vikings have now.

2. It's a gigantic F-U to Packers fans which I can always get behind. Think about it, Packer fans' memory of Super Bowl XXXI is now forever tainted with the thought that it was won by the legendary quarterback who ended playing for the Vikings.

3. Win or lose, there's no denying that at the very least this Vikings season will be entertaining and interesting.

However, there are some people out there who just can't accept Brett Favre as a Viking. They've hated him for so long when he was with the Packers that they refuse to root for him now.
I prefer to think of things this way: Brett Favre was once aligned with an evil empire but is now attempting to redeem himself by fighting on the side that is pure and good. You may think that Brett Favre is beyond redemption, but in fiction there have been much more ridiculous redemption stories.

So, in honor of Brett Favre:

Dr. Bitz's Top 5 Ridiculous Redemptions in Fiction
(That I can think of off the top of my head)

Spike: Spike started out as a villain on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series. He ended up being an ally to Buffy and was even in love with her. Spike was also a fan favorite because...I don't know...women thought he was hot because he had an English accent, bad boy appeal, and they wanted to try and change him? Anyway, at the end of series Spike sacrificed himself to save the world. Which sounds like a noble redemption and all, but let's look at the facts.

First of all, Spike was a notorious vampire who killed more humans than we can count, including two slayers. He really seemed to enjoy the killing, too. The only reason he stopped killing people was not out of remorse but because a computer chip was installed in his brain that it prevented him from harming people.
With violence out of the picture, naturally Spike turned to sex. So he tried to get with Buffy, but she rejected him. So what does he do? He attempts to rape her of course. He didn't succeed, but it's still unforgivable.

Anyway, after that he decided to get himself a soul in hopes of an opportunity to knock boots with Sarah Michelle Gellar (which is about 1/10th the lengths your average fanboy would go to just to touch Buffy's boobies).

After being figuratively defanged and obtaining a soul, he hangs around in a basement and is all mopey until Buffy helps him out. Overall, it just seemed a bit far fetched that Buffy would hang around with a former serial killer/attempted rapist. But he apparently found redemption by making the "ultimate sacrifice." In my opinion, killing himself was the least Spike could do for the world. The fact that his death destroyed thousands of super vampires in the process was just an added bonus.

Beast: Alright, before we get started I'm well aware that there's about as many versions of the Beauty and the Beast story as times I've whacked it to lesbian porn. So let's just agree to go with the Disney version. (After all, it was nominated for Best Picture.)

Beast was once human (and a prince) but was kind of a dick. A woman came to his castle on a stormy night asking for shelter but the prince refused to let her in because she was fugly. The elderly woman turned out to be a sorceress and cursed him into a bestial form. But being a shallow dick doesn't mean you're beyond redemption. Refusing the sexual advances of uggos was only the beginning for the Beast.

You see, by becoming a beast the prince also gained all sorts of beastly powers. (Strength, agility, a good singing voice, etc.) But instead of using his new found powers to fight crime like the Ever-lovin' Thing did, he just decided to mope around his castle. Granted, that's pretty much how I spend my days, but I don't have beastly powers that could be used to make the world a better place! (We need to get Uncle Ben on his case.)

And if that wasn't enough, the movie introduces the Beast to us when Belle's father gets lost in the woods and wanders into his castle. And how does the Beast treat this scared and lost traveler who happened upon his abode? He roars and locks the father up in his dungeon for looking at him funny. Real mature.

However, the Beast does let the father go, but only in exchange for Belle because he wants to tap that. (And who wouldn't?)

Basically, the hero of this story (the guy we're supposed to want to be redeemed) is a short tempered, overly aggressive, kidnapping asshole who we can only assume is contemplating rape. (Now, that may be my watching too much Law and Order: SVU talking, but all I'm saying is that when someone kidnaps a woman and keeps them locked in their home, I get suspicious.)

Some people might get teary eyed and choked up when Belle finally professes her love for the Beast. I just think of it as a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome.

Severus Snape: Severus Snape was a Death Eater and a part of the evil Lord Voldemort's dark army. That is, until Voldemort killed Lilly Potter. At that point Snape fought for the good guys.

So, like Brett Favre, Snape left the bad guys and joined the good guys. Favre did it because the bad guys pretty much kicked him out but Favre still wanted to win a Super Bowl. Not necessarily the noblest of reasons to switch sides, but that's nothing compared to Snape.

Snape left Voldemort not because he was against the wanton killing of innocent people. In fact, Snape seemed quite comfortable with that. Snape left Voldemort because he was against the wanton killing of one single woman. A woman he wanted to stick his penis into. That's not noble, that's just being male...and a selfish one at that.

Beyond that, after Voldemort was defeated Snape became a teacher at Hogwarts. When Harry Potter attended the school Snape was a complete dick to him for no other reason than he had hated his dead father (most likely because Harry's dad had given it to Lilly good on a nightly basis). So Severus Snape was evil (and apparently horny) but "redeemed himself" by turning into a petty ass who enjoys bullying children half his age? If that's not self-improvement, I don't know what is!

I'm not saying Dumbledore shouldn't have accepted Snape's help. I'm just saying that Harry giving his child the middle name of Severus is a bit excessive.

(Also, Snape commenting on how Harry's eyes looks like his mother's is super creepy.)

Darth Vader: If you don't know who Darth Vader is then you've been living under a rock. He was a Sith and the right hand man to the emperor of an oppressive galactic government. At the end of the original Star Wars trilogy Darth Vader turns on the Emperor and throws him down a shaft, sacrificing himself in the process. However, before his death there was still time for he and his son, Luke Skywalker, to kiss and makeup...minus the kiss part. Darth Vader then got a proper burial, went to Jedi heaven with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and everyone left happy. Well, everyone except the billions of people who died because of him.

You see, originally Darth Vader was just your above average do-gooder Jedi. Then he had some nightmares about his gal dying. Now, I don't blame him for being worried about losing the uber-hot Natalie Portman, but his solution to the problem was a bit perplexing. He decided the best way to save his wife from dying was to kill many, many people. Including the brutal slaughtering of numerous "younglings".

After his initial slaughter, Darth Vader decided to travel the universe killing as many Jedi (whose pretty much sole purpose in life is to do good works) as he could find. But really, that's nothing compared to what he did after he kidnapped Princess Leia and brought her aboard the Death Star. (He didn't do THAT. She was his daughter you sickos.)

Princess Leia was brought to Grand Moff Tarkin and interrogated for the location of the rebel base. He threatened to destroy her home planet of Alderaan if she didn't talk. Leia then appeared to cooperate with Tarkin. Tarkin destroyed the planet of Alderaan anyway. And what did Darth Vader do about that? Nothing. He just sat idly by and watched, giving his tacit endorsement.

So frankly, it's all nice and everything that Darth Vader decided he loved his son and offed the Emperor, but after being a part of the destruction of a planet inhabited by nearly 2 billion people keeps him far from being redeemed in my book.

Vegeta: If using planetary destruction as a show of force by an oppressive regime is bad, how about planetary destruction for the sheer fun of it? But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself.

Vegeta was the main villain-turned-hero of the Dragon Ball Z series. Vegeta was one of the last of the Sayins. Sayins were a generally violent race of aliens who enjoyed fighting for the sake of fighting. Goku, the hero of Dragon Ball Z, is also a Sayin. He was sent to Earth to destroy it but thanks to a head injury that didn't happen.

To make an unnecessarily long story short, Vegeta learned of magical orbs on Earth that could grant wishes and thus journeyed to Earth to wish to become immortal. Goku defeated Vegeta, though, before Vegeta could make the wish. Vegeta then retreated and tried to become more powerful in order to defeat Goku but it never really happened. Eventually these adversaries began to respect one another and then became allies and fought together against other powerful beings attempting to destroy the Earth.

That all sounds nice and good, but Vegeta was pretty damned evil to start. He'd kill without discrimination because, basically, if you were so weak that you couldn't fight back then you deserved to die. But Vegeta's greatest atrocity came during his first journey to Earth.

When Vegeta and his cohort Nappa were traveling to Earth they decided to stop by the planet of Arlia. They allowed themselves to be captured there and were brought before an oppressive dictator. They then broke free of their bonds and took out the guards, killed a giant monster, and overthrew the dictator. All the citizens were freed, rejoiced, and hailed Vegeta and Nappa as heroes.

Vegeta and Nappa did all this on a lark. Overthrowing a government was just plain fun for them. You know what else was just plain fun for them? DESTROYING THE ENTIRE PLANET OF ARLIA!

That's right, Vegeta and Nappa left the planet but then stopped just long enough to send a super planet-destroying death ray hurtling towards Arlia. Why did Vegeta and Nappa destroy the entire planet of Arlia? For the hell of it.

Killing billions of people for sheer entertainment is as irredeemable an action as it gets. Goku should have slit Vegeta's throat the first chance he got simply out of principal. Instead Vegeta is hailed as a great warrior and a hero. Not in my book he isn't.

Suddenly, Brett Favre doesn't sound so bad, does he?


  1. I like the Favre signing for all the reasons you listed. Does your support of it mean you'll be spending the football season sleeping on the couch?

    I think you figured out why women are so fascinated with vampires: they're the ultimate bad boy that women think they can change with their love.

    I always liked Spike because he was snarky and funny. Granted, he lost a lot of that by the time he was moping around the 7th season, but his stuff with Andrew was hilarious.

    It's also worth pointing out that by sacrificing himself and killing those super vampires, he did (arguably) save more people than he killed. And I'm pretty sure he (begrudgingly) helped stop a few apocalypses along the way. Not saying that excuses his actions, of course.

    Who do you think is more redeemable, Spike or Angel?

    Beast *is* kind of a dick. Though I absolutely love the score from the prologue.

    The clip you posted for Snape is freaking hilarious. Harry is such a dick; I love it.

    Also, Dragonball Z seems to be just batshit insane. I don't know if its a translation thing or a cultural thing, but it's like a hyper-violent DC comic from the Silver Age.

  2. Don't knock the couch can be very comfortable.

    I'm not sure between Spike and Angel. The problem with it (and the reason Spike is at the bottom of the list) is the whole "no soul" thing is a bit ambiguous and muddy's the water.

    Yeah, Dragon Ball Z was pretty crazy with how powerful the characters were.

    I watched Dragon Ball Z in high school and college and enjoyed it a fair amount. With that being said, I don't think I could ever recommend the series to anybody.

  3. Yeah, that's pretty much Dragon Ball Z in a nutshell.

    This post was hilarious- i especially love the whole aspect of Beast contemplating rape.

    Also, what are your thoughts about he fact that Spike didn't really make the ultimate sacrifice, as he was reincarnated in the Angel series?

  4. This is possibly one of the best posts you've written Dr Bitz. Definitely top 5 anyway.
    Unfortunately now i want to re-watch all those movies and series RIGHT NOW.

  5. Well, it's hard to hold the fact that Spike was reincarnated against Spike since he didn't know reincarnation was going to happen when he made his sacrifice.

    As I said, Spike and Angel are hard to really wrap your head around since "having no soul" seems a bit ambiguous to me.

    And I would think the women would appreciate Spike's reincarnation the most, since adding another "hunk" to the cast of Angel encouraged David Boreanaz to get in shape. Which probably added to Spike's redemption.

    Also, did we ever find out why Spike was reincarnated to begin with? I can't remember.

    Also, another thought on Beast. Part of his redemption was that he learned to stop being so grumpy and to be nice to Belle. However, speaking as a guy, being nice to a hot girl says little to nothing about your character. The biggest assholes in the world will be nice to hot chicks...and I think we all why. (Yet, for some reason, I still like the movie.)

  6. If I remember correctly, I think Wolfram and Hart gave Angel the pendant he gave to Buffy (that she gave to Spike, who used it to destroy all the Uber Vamps) with the intention that Angel would be the one using it, meaning Angel would have been the one reincarnated as a ghost and bound to Wolfram and Hart (which was part of their whole "make Angel evil by putting him in charge of our law firm" plan).

    So Spike basically got caught in the crossfire between Wolfram and Hart, and eventually Fred figured out a way to make him corporeal again.

    As for the whole Spike vs. Angel thing, I like to point that before they became vampires, Spike was a momma's boy poet while Angel was a womanizing dick. Meaning, Angel didn't need to just lose his soul to be evil, for what that's worth.


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