Last Week in Pop Culture #18

Around the Web
Two reviews from me this week, one for Ms. Marvel #1 (which was mostly excellent) and Wolverine #1 (which was mostly not).

Super Bowl XLVIII
Boy, that game sure did suck, didn't it? 

New Girl: Prince

I'm not the world's biggest Prince fan (despite being Minnesotan, I basically have no strong opinions on him), but I love the idea of casting him as some kind of impish relationship guru with magic powers and butterfly familiars, and in general appreciate that, as much as this was still Prince, the show made a character out of him, rather than just dropping him into their big post-Super Bowl episode for the sake of having an attention-getting guest star.

Retro Review: Lisa the Greek

Or the One Where
Lisa helps Homer gamble on football.

The Setup
Upset that Homer never gets involved in her interests, Lisa is counseled by Marge to try getting involved in Homer's interests, after which Homer quickly discovers Lisa's gift for picking winning football teams.

Purple Redemption

***WARNING: This post contains spoilers for nearly everything. If you haven't read all the Harry Potter books, seen all the Star Wars movies, and watched the Buffy the Vampire television series then you may want to stay away. (Unless you don't care about those things being spoiled.)***

It's official. Brett Favre is a Viking. He even played in Friday's Viking preseason game. It was a surreal experience to say the least. But I'm in favor of the move and here's why:

1. Even at the age of 39-going-on-40 and coming to the team halfway through preseason, Brett Favre is still a better option at quarterback than anything the Vikings have now.

2. It's a gigantic F-U to Packers fans which I can always get behind. Think about it, Packer fans' memory of Super Bowl XXXI is now forever tainted with the thought that it was won by the legendary quarterback who ended playing for the Vikings.

3. Win or lose, there's no denying that at the very least this Vikings season will be entertaining and interesting.

However, there are some people out there who just can't accept Brett Favre as a Viking. They've hated him for so long when he was with the Packers that they refuse to root for him now.
I prefer to think of things this way: Brett Favre was once aligned with an evil empire but is now attempting to redeem himself by fighting on the side that is pure and good. You may think that Brett Favre is beyond redemption, but in fiction there have been much more ridiculous redemption stories.

So, in honor of Brett Favre:

Dr. Bitz's Top 5 Ridiculous Redemptions in Fiction(That I can think of off the top of my head)
Spike: Spike started out as a villain on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series. He ended up being an ally to Buffy and was even in love with her. Spike was also a fan favorite because...I don't know...women thought he was hot because he had an English accent, bad boy appeal, and they wanted to try and change him? Anyway, at the end of series Spike sacrificed himself to save the world. Which sounds like a noble redemption and all, but let's look at the facts.

First of all, Spike was a notorious vampire who killed more humans than we can count, including two slayers. He really seemed to enjoy the killing, too. The only reason he stopped killing people was not out of remorse but because a computer chip was installed in his brain that it prevented him from harming people.
With violence out of the picture, naturally Spike turned to sex. So he tried to get with Buffy, but she rejected him. So what does he do? He attempts to rape her of course. He didn't succeed, but it's still unforgivable.

Anyway, after that he decided to get himself a soul in hopes of an opportunity to knock boots with Sarah Michelle Gellar (which is about 1/10th the lengths your average fanboy would go to just to touch Buffy's boobies).

After being figuratively defanged and obtaining a soul, he hangs around in a basement and is all mopey until Buffy helps him out. Overall, it just seemed a bit far fetched that Buffy would hang around with a former serial killer/attempted rapist. But he apparently found redemption by making the "ultimate sacrifice." In my opinion, killing himself was the least Spike could do for the world. The fact that his death destroyed thousands of super vampires in the process was just an added bonus.

Beast: Alright, before we get started I'm well aware that there's about as many versions of the Beauty and the Beast story as times I've whacked it to lesbian porn. So let's just agree to go with the Disney version. (After all, it was nominated for Best Picture.)

Beast was once human (and a prince) but was kind of a dick. A woman came to his castle on a stormy night asking for shelter but the prince refused to let her in because she was fugly. The elderly woman turned out to be a sorceress and cursed him into a bestial form. But being a shallow dick doesn't mean you're beyond redemption. Refusing the sexual advances of uggos was only the beginning for the Beast.

You see, by becoming a beast the prince also gained all sorts of beastly powers. (Strength, agility, a good singing voice, etc.) But instead of using his new found powers to fight crime like the Ever-lovin' Thing did, he just decided to mope around his castle. Granted, that's pretty much how I spend my days, but I don't have beastly powers that could be used to make the world a better place! (We need to get Uncle Ben on his case.)

And if that wasn't enough, the movie introduces the Beast to us when Belle's father gets lost in the woods and wanders into his castle. And how does the Beast treat this scared and lost traveler who happened upon his abode? He roars and locks the father up in his dungeon for looking at him funny. Real mature.

However, the Beast does let the father go, but only in exchange for Belle because he wants to tap that. (And who wouldn't?)

Basically, the hero of this story (the guy we're supposed to want to be redeemed) is a short tempered, overly aggressive, kidnapping asshole who we can only assume is contemplating rape. (Now, that may be my watching too much Law and Order: SVU talking, but all I'm saying is that when someone kidnaps a woman and keeps them locked in their home, I get suspicious.)

Some people might get teary eyed and choked up when Belle finally professes her love for the Beast. I just think of it as a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome.

Severus Snape: Severus Snape was a Death Eater and a part of the evil Lord Voldemort's dark army. That is, until Voldemort killed Lilly Potter. At that point Snape fought for the good guys.

So, like Brett Favre, Snape left the bad guys and joined the good guys. Favre did it because the bad guys pretty much kicked him out but Favre still wanted to win a Super Bowl. Not necessarily the noblest of reasons to switch sides, but that's nothing compared to Snape.

Snape left Voldemort not because he was against the wanton killing of innocent people. In fact, Snape seemed quite comfortable with that. Snape left Voldemort because he was against the wanton killing of one single woman. A woman he wanted to stick his penis into. That's not noble, that's just being male...and a selfish one at that.

Beyond that, after Voldemort was defeated Snape became a teacher at Hogwarts. When Harry Potter attended the school Snape was a complete dick to him for no other reason than he had hated his dead father (most likely because Harry's dad had given it to Lilly good on a nightly basis). So Severus Snape was evil (and apparently horny) but "redeemed himself" by turning into a petty ass who enjoys bullying children half his age? If that's not self-improvement, I don't know what is!

I'm not saying Dumbledore shouldn't have accepted Snape's help. I'm just saying that Harry giving his child the middle name of Severus is a bit excessive.

(Also, Snape commenting on how Harry's eyes looks like his mother's is super creepy.)

Darth Vader: If you don't know who Darth Vader is then you've been living under a rock. He was a Sith and the right hand man to the emperor of an oppressive galactic government. At the end of the original Star Wars trilogy Darth Vader turns on the Emperor and throws him down a shaft, sacrificing himself in the process. However, before his death there was still time for he and his son, Luke Skywalker, to kiss and makeup...minus the kiss part. Darth Vader then got a proper burial, went to Jedi heaven with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and everyone left happy. Well, everyone except the billions of people who died because of him.

You see, originally Darth Vader was just your above average do-gooder Jedi. Then he had some nightmares about his gal dying. Now, I don't blame him for being worried about losing the uber-hot Natalie Portman, but his solution to the problem was a bit perplexing. He decided the best way to save his wife from dying was to kill many, many people. Including the brutal slaughtering of numerous "younglings".

After his initial slaughter, Darth Vader decided to travel the universe killing as many Jedi (whose pretty much sole purpose in life is to do good works) as he could find. But really, that's nothing compared to what he did after he kidnapped Princess Leia and brought her aboard the Death Star. (He didn't do THAT. She was his daughter you sickos.)

Princess Leia was brought to Grand Moff Tarkin and interrogated for the location of the rebel base. He threatened to destroy her home planet of Alderaan if she didn't talk. Leia then appeared to cooperate with Tarkin. Tarkin destroyed the planet of Alderaan anyway. And what did Darth Vader do about that? Nothing. He just sat idly by and watched, giving his tacit endorsement.

So frankly, it's all nice and everything that Darth Vader decided he loved his son and offed the Emperor, but after being a part of the destruction of a planet inhabited by nearly 2 billion people keeps him far from being redeemed in my book.

Vegeta: If using planetary destruction as a show of force by an oppressive regime is bad, how about planetary destruction for the sheer fun of it? But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself.

Vegeta was the main villain-turned-hero of the Dragon Ball Z series. Vegeta was one of the last of the Sayins. Sayins were a generally violent race of aliens who enjoyed fighting for the sake of fighting. Goku, the hero of Dragon Ball Z, is also a Sayin. He was sent to Earth to destroy it but thanks to a head injury that didn't happen.

To make an unnecessarily long story short, Vegeta learned of magical orbs on Earth that could grant wishes and thus journeyed to Earth to wish to become immortal. Goku defeated Vegeta, though, before Vegeta could make the wish. Vegeta then retreated and tried to become more powerful in order to defeat Goku but it never really happened. Eventually these adversaries began to respect one another and then became allies and fought together against other powerful beings attempting to destroy the Earth.

That all sounds nice and good, but Vegeta was pretty damned evil to start. He'd kill without discrimination because, basically, if you were so weak that you couldn't fight back then you deserved to die. But Vegeta's greatest atrocity came during his first journey to Earth.

When Vegeta and his cohort Nappa were traveling to Earth they decided to stop by the planet of Arlia. They allowed themselves to be captured there and were brought before an oppressive dictator. They then broke free of their bonds and took out the guards, killed a giant monster, and overthrew the dictator. All the citizens were freed, rejoiced, and hailed Vegeta and Nappa as heroes.

Vegeta and Nappa did all this on a lark. Overthrowing a government was just plain fun for them. You know what else was just plain fun for them? DESTROYING THE ENTIRE PLANET OF ARLIA!

That's right, Vegeta and Nappa left the planet but then stopped just long enough to send a super planet-destroying death ray hurtling towards Arlia. Why did Vegeta and Nappa destroy the entire planet of Arlia? For the hell of it.

Killing billions of people for sheer entertainment is as irredeemable an action as it gets. Goku should have slit Vegeta's throat the first chance he got simply out of principal. Instead Vegeta is hailed as a great warrior and a hero. Not in my book he isn't.

Suddenly, Brett Favre doesn't sound so bad, does he?

Working the Poll

Well, according to the majority, Marty McFly is the most likely candidate to have to go back in time and a kill a person to prevent a future apocalypse. I think you're all missing the boat Barack Obama, but that's just one man's opinion.
I bet Barack would do his killing with a silent stoicism that portrays the gravity and necessity of the situation instead of a scene playing out like this:

Marty: "Geeze, Doc, I can't believe I just killed a guy!"
Doc: "Great Scott, Marty! What you've done is unforgivable. But I suppose you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Unless it's with my new invention! The auto-omlettifyer! But to make it work, you need high grade nitro-glycerin.
Marty: "Geeze, Doc, we better find that nitro-glycerin. I'm craving some omelettes. But first, let's pour some manure on this dead guy!"
Doc: "F*$% YEAH!!!!"

Anyway, it's time for a new poll, and I think this picture speaks for itself:



In case your wondering, Mrs. Dr. Bitz FORCES me to watch Top Chef. It ain't voluntary. But that picture is all I can think of when I watch it...

Voting to your left!

Brett Favre Retires

On Thursday, March 6th, 2008 Brett Favre (pronunciation: ˈfärv) held a press conference confirming his retirement. Although promising not to cry, the emotions of the situation proved too much and Favre could not hold back the tears. Within minutes of the conference starting Favre wept.
Brett Favre had many reasons as to why he decided now was the time to leave. Chief among the reasons was that football felt too much like a job now. It was getting too hard for Favre to be mentally prepared for every game.
As the conference was nearing a close Pete Dougherty of the Green Bay Gazette asked the question that was on everyone's mind.
"Brett, as always I'm honored to be in the presence of a god-like figure as yourself." Pete gave a slight bow before continuing his question. "When was the turning point at which you knew in your heart that this would be end?"
"Well, Pete," Brett looked directly into Pete Dougherty's eyes and a warming sensation poured over Dougherty's body. "I think I decided that I was going to retire the night before the NFC Championship Game. I was thinking about how cold it was going to be and how physical the Giants are and I began to get tense. I realized I wasn't looking forward to the game so much as I was dreading it. Football just didn't seem as fun as it used to be. So at that point I decided that no matter what happened in the NFC Championship Game I was going to retire after the season."
"Could anything have changed your mind?" Dougherty followed up.
"Well," Favre continued, "if I could have found something to relieve my stress, maybe things would have been different. I turned the TV on but I didn't find any of the shows entertaining. I was looking for something to make me laugh. Like maybe the high jinks of four single 30-somethings living in New York City."
"Well, gee, Brett," Dougherty responded, "that sounds like Seinfeld!"
"Yes, it does." Brett Favre looked towards the sky seemingly lost in his own thoughts. "Seinfeld is a very funny show. If Seinfeld was on that night I would probably be sitting here right now talking about how excited I am for next season."

Quick Hits By Dr. Bitz

Apparently there are other people on this blog that like to post when I want to post. Considering I'm the greatest poster on this blog (nicknamed Dr. Bitz) I find this appalling. Anyway, I have some stuff back logged in my hopper so here are a few things.

Evil Republicans: Shockingly, some Republicans are evil. (I suppose some Democrats are too, but I'm not going to get a career in Hollywood talking like that!)
Well, maybe evil is a strong term, but check out the you tube video on the side bar and decide for yourself. It's a bit grainy and it's long (13 minutes) but I think it's important to watch. It's important to understand how the justice system can be perverted and twisted for political reasons. I just wish I could do something about it.
Ironically, a "power failure" caused JUST this 15 minutes of 60 Minutes to not air on the CBS affiliate in southern Alabama...whose owner happens to be a major contributor to the Republican party.


Just Another Form of Child Abuse: Check out this article.
http://www.startribune.com/sports/vikings/16333056.html
I hate when parents do something like this. It's self serving and is pretty much a form of child abuse. The kid named Brett will be fine, but the kid named Favre is screwed. He's going to go through a childhood of being teased and having his name mispronounced by non-football fans. I don't mind when parents think a little outside the box in naming their kids. But when a parent goes too far to name their kid after something they're passionate about that quite obviously is not intended to be a person's first name, it's just....lame.
What if the kid grows up not rooting for the Packers, or not liking football at all? In fact, my prediction is the kid will grow up to hate the Packers simply because of the hell his name has made his life. A name like that just pigeon holes a kid into something they may or may not want to be. And that's just wrong.

Send Out the Clowns: If you were walking down a dark alley at night and saw something walking towards you, which would freak you out more? If the person walking towards you was a tattooed thug wearing gang colors and a scowl on his face or a clown? I think the answer to that question is too obvious to require elaboration (c. Paul Harvey).
So I see this article http://www.sciam.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=854F6609-BEA7-52B6-D8B5F46B7618BF07 and wonder, why the hell do clowns exist anyway? Who enjoys these freakish monstrosities to begin with?
To be honest, I never disliked clowns THAT much. But they're certainly creepy enough that doing away with them completely might just make the world a better place.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go into hiding before the Cirque du Soleil crew use their acrobatic athleticism to back flip me into an early grave!

Not Patriotic

So, the Superbowl is coming up and I'm sure you're all wondering who I'm rooting for. Well the answer to that is simple: the New York Giants. The bigger question should be who are you rooting for? And the answer should be, again, the New York Giants. The Patriots aren't worthy of your support and I'll tell you why. These are my top 5 reasons you should root against the New England Patriots.

5. Boston Wins Too Much
Am I wrong? I mean, in this decade the Patriots have won 3 Superbowls and the Red Socks have won 2 World Series. This year the Patriots are undefeated and the Celtics are the best team in the East. So maybe it's just sour grapes. Or maybe it's because their success seems to be done on the backs of ex-Minnesota guys like David Ortiz, Kevin Garnett, and Randy Moss. The bottom line is Boston wins too much and it's time they're knocked down a peg.

4. Tom Brady
Yes, NFL's so-called golden boy is certainly a reason to root against the Patriots. I mean, he has those flowing golden locks, a shapely butt, a cool, suave attitude, and he doesn't play football, he blesses the sport with his presence. Seriously, this guy can do no wrong. Even when he has a bad game (like two Sundays ago) his team still wins. It's annoying.
Beyond that, I believe in karma and laws of equity and conservation of mass and such, so I did some calculating. Apparently, in order for Tom Brady to exist, 500 def, dumb, blind, crippled, mentally handicapped children needed to be born. That's wrong, Tom Brady, that's just plain wrong.

3. Bill Belichik
What an ass. I mean...seriously...what an ass. This is a guy who will walk into a room and with one look of disdain you'll know that A. He knows more about football than you do B. You can't comprehend just how much he actually knows about football and C. Him knowing more about football than you makes him an all around better person than you. A-S-S.
Remember when Bill Belichik cheated? Yeah, he had some intern dress up as a reporter and had them try to tape the Jets' sideline during a game. That's illegal in the NFL. That's cheating. Well the media has certainly forgotten it happened. Apparently cheating is OK as long as you win a lot.

2. Rodney Harrison
This guy was voted by the league as the 'dirtiest player' in football in two years: 2004 and 2006. He's been fined multiple times for cheap and dangerous hits. Oh, and he was suspended 4 games for taking performance enhancing substances...this year. (Yes, the very same substances that baseball players get crucified by the media for taking.) Apparently in football taking chemicals to boost performance is OK, but in baseball you have to go before congress. But I'm getting off track. The bottom line is Rodney Harrison is cheap and a cheater but you can cheer for him and his team if you want to...if you have no soul.

1. Randy Moss
I actually hear Minnesotans talk about how they're glad to see Randy Moss finally get to the Superbowl and finally get his chance at a ring. I make sure I'm not eating at the time or I may end up puking the food up.
Randy Moss pretty much screwed over the Vikings. When Randy wasn't taking plays off because of boredom he was happily toking the ganga and running over meter maids. Not only was he a distraction to the team off the field, but if the team fell on any sort of hard times he was a detriment on the field. Randy Moss was a selfish player who played when and only when he wanted to play.
We dumped him off in Oakland where he proceeded to be a non-factor. He finally goes to the Patriots and now suddenly he's good? He was mediocre to bad for 3 to 4 season before the Patriots and do we think he magically found talent simply by walking into the Patriot's locker room? Hell no. Randy Moss was simply dogging it in Minnesota and Oakland because he didn't feel like playing. Randy Moss will only play well when the team is playing well. If he feels the team is no good he'll quit, plain and simple. Which is why the Patriots are perfect for him, because they're always good.
But the Patriots being a good fit for Randy still doesn't excuse his behavior. He's a player who needs to be elevated and refuses to elevate anyone else.
Maybe if Randy Moss was like Kevin Garnett, a guy who gave his all and always tried to win no matter the obstacles, then I would be glad to see him get a championship. But Randy Moss is no Kevin Garnett.
So when people call Randy Moss the greatest wide receiver ever, I gag. He may be the wide receiver with the best physical talents but to be the 'greatest' you need something Randy Moss simply doesn't have: heart.

Packers: NO SOUP-ER BOWL FOR YOU!!!

Sunday, January 20th, 10:00 PM. The Giants just beat the Packers in overtime on an improbable 47 yard field goal in subzero temperature set up by a Brett Favre interception. Eli Manning stepped to the podium for his post-game press conference. He couldn't help but smile.
Michael Brick of the New York times asked the first question. "Eli, what was the key to your success tonight?"
"Well, I'll tell ya," Eli smirked while speaking with the slightest hint of a southern drawl, "I was in a good mindset. I was a bit nervous, a bit jacked up, and my adrenaline was pumping. There was just the right amount of urgency in my attitude to keep me performing at an elite level."
"Was there anything that could have derailed you?" Brick followed up.
"Only one thing really." Eli continued. "If I was able to watch Seinfeld yesterday I would have been too relaxed. That show is just too funny. I would have came out tonight too loose, unable to concentrate, and chuckling to myself all the time. My mind wouldn't have been on playing football. It's a good thing Seinfeld wasn't on TV locally yesterday or this game would have ended a lot differently."

Green Bay Packs In The Stupidity

Well, to get us geared up for the NFC Championship Game I decided I'd rant a little bit about the Green Bay Packers.
When I was first becoming a football fan, which wasn't as long ago as you'd think, I remember having a healthy respect for Packer fans. I felt their passion and fervor was bar none.
I was talking to a coworker of mine at the time and the topic of football came up. We discussed the Vikings and how bad they were. I Then brought up Green Bay fans and erroneously talked about how they always cheer for their team, even in bad times. (I've later found out this is just a myth propagated by Packer fans.) I called Packer fans 'hardcore.' My coworker called them stupid. He then bestowed upon me wisdom for the ages.
"If you're team sucks, you boo them. How else are they going to know?"
Those two sentences transformed how I feel about sports.
Why shouldn't I boo my team? If you're my team, I want you to do well. If you're not doing well then should I not voice displeasure? Isn't losing unacceptable? Why should I cheer you if you're sucking? If people cheer their team regardless of performance, then what motivation does the team have to perform well? Well, OK, maybe athletes don't do everything just for fan appreciation, but you get my point.
From then on I treated the Packer fans' obsession with their team and quarterback with disdain. The fans wore blinders and could never see their team for what it was.
Some say I'm too far to the other side regarding the Minnesota teams, but I ask you, what Minnesota team gives me reason not to be negative?
Anyway, as I got older I also realized that not only were Packer fans delusional, but they have no sense of priorities. (And the constant media hype of Brett Favre isn't helping matters.) So, needless to say, the endless Packer talk I've heard this week has nearly made me puke. And then I heard about this article.

http://www.newsday.com/sports/football/giants/ny-spsein0117,0,702742.story

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? This is the stupidest thing I ever heard. First lets look at the stupidity on hand. Eli Manning enjoys Seinfeld, so the program director of the Fox affiliate in Green Bay takes their normally scheduled syndicated episode of Seinfeld off the air. Umm...why? Because it might make Eli Manning (or..."the enemy"...as he calls him) laugh?
Come on. Why would the program director even assume Eli knew Seinfeld was on the air in Green Bay anyway? Heck, if I went to Green Bay I'd be surprised to hear they had televisions that showed something non-Packer related.
Anyway, last I checked, Eli made decent money. And you know what big time athletes do for road games? They bring portable DVD players. And if Eli likes Seinfeld that much, I doubt a couple of seasons of the show isn't out of his price range.
OK, so the very idea of not airing Eli's favorite show is stupid. But let's look at the bigger picture.
What the hell is wrong with Green Bay?
The answer is simple, they're a small town with a nationally recognized commodity. Since all Green Bay is known for is the Packers, that's all Green Bay residents focus on. There's only two things to do in Green Bay, watch the Packers and drink. So, during the NFL off season, things get pretty boring. They just wait sit and wait for football season to begin. I would like to get some statistics on how many Green Bay residents actually have an orgasm after the opening kickoff of the first Packer game of the season. But I digress.
What this all boils down to is a small town that has completely lost its perspective. Some people think it's cute that Green Bay would not air an episode of Seinfeld or change New York Avenue to McCarthy Way for a week. I think it's a sign that people's priorities are out of whack.
Packer fans like to talk about how Lambeau Field is always Packer territory, but when the Packers come to the Metrodome Green Bay fans take the place over. I take that as a compliment. The reason for this is obvious. People living Green Bay, and most of Wisconsin for that matter, always feel the need to move to a real state, like Minnesota. Minnesotans, however, are generally happy where they are and if they are to move it certainly wouldn't be to Wisconsin. Thus the high influx of Packer fans to Minnesota and relatively low influx of Vikings fans to Wisconsin.
People say that football is life in Green Bay. Well, in Minneapolis, during the football season I could walk the streets Monday morning and ask the people if the Vikings won yesterday. I would guess about 25% of the people would respond with either 'Vikings suck' or 'The Vikings played yesterday?' Green Bay residents may see this as a lack of passion or proof that Green Bay is a better football town. I call it a dose of perspective. It helps remind me that not everyone cares about football and football definitely is not life.
Perhaps that's what Green Bay needs. Instead of another Superbowl appearance they should get a dose of perspective. But I have a feeling that's not going to happen.
Of course, this whole post could have been written by me simply out of sour grapes. But that would make me a petty hypocrite, wouldn't it?

There is yet to be a time table on when God will smite Green Bay for the worship of a false idol, but it can't come too soon. Although Packer fans may argue with the use of the adjective 'false'...but talk like that only makes God grow angry...and GREEN!

The Greatest Game Ever Played in the History of Greatest Games Ever Played

"I figured you'd have to be living in a cave to not know about the Patriots and Colts game. That game is going to be wicked awesome." Scott McMullen, a resident of of Boston, Massachusetts and bonafide New England Patriots fan, said on Thursday, November 1st. "But apparently people living in huts in Somalia don't know about this game either!"
"The situation in Somalia is even worse than we thought," added Phil Martin, who hails from Evansville, Indiana and claims to be the biggest Indianapolis Colts fan of all time. "I thought it was bad when they didn't know it was Christmas time at all. But this Colts/Pats game is bigger than any Christmas could be and the Somalis won't even be able to see it! It's unconscionable."
On Sunday, November 4th the New England Patriots (8-0) will face the Indianapolis Colts (7-0) in Indianapolis for what seems to be football dominance. This is the first time in NFL history two undefeated teams play each other this late in the season. It has NFL fans buzzing with speculation and hyperbole. This football contest has been billed as "The Game of the Century" and "Superbowl 41 and a half". Debate has raged between fans and experts alike on podcasts, in sports bars, and in chat rooms regarding who will win. The latter of these places is where Scott McMullen met Phil Martin.
"If you told me two weeks ago that I'd be teaming up with PatsFan12," Martin noted, "I would've but punched your lights out. Yet here I am."
In an NFL chatroom McMullen (known as PatsFan12) argued with Martin (known as SluttyManningXOXO-M42) about this "clash of the titans" of a football game. Martin claimed that Indianapolis Quarterback Peyton Manning was the greatest quarterback of all time and would prove it on Sunday.
McMullen responded to this saying that New England Quarterback Tom Brady was, in fact, the greatest quarterback of all time. And when Tom Brady hooks up with, according to McMulllen, the greatest wide receiver of all time, Randy Moss, for 102 points the whole World would be in awe.
This was when another chatter by the screen name of GreenTeaSexpot52 (actual identity unknown) chimed in. GreenTea said that the World couldn't be in awe because only the United States would be watching this game. GreenTeaSexpot52 continued on to say that, for instance, people in Somalia have bigger things to worry about than the Patriots/Colts game, like eating. This revelation caused McMullen and Martin to join forces.
"GreenTea was absolutely right," Phil Martin conceded, "people in Somalia wouldn't be watching this game. They wouldn't see Peyton Manning prove his superiority."
"You mean Tom Brady," Scott McMullen corrected under his breath.
"Who won the last Super Bowl?" Martin asked McMullen.
"Who has the most rings?" McMullen rebutted.
After a brief scuffle and after a few bandages were applied the interview continued.
When Martin and McMullen realized that the starving people in Somalia would be submitted to the torture of not seeing the Patriots/Colts game they started the Non-Profit Organization of PPGGEPHGGEPIYDWWTGTYIQB (People for the Propagation of the Greatest Game Ever Played in the History of Greatest Games Ever Played and If You Don't Want to Watch This Game Then You're an Idiot or Queer or Both). Despite the massive amount of letters, the goal of the organization was simple. They wanted to send TVs and satellite receivers to all the residents of Somalia.
"Let's face it," Martin explained, "if this game can't end world hunger, nothing can."
"A lot of people are calling us heroes," McMullen added, "but I'm not having any of that. I'm no hero. Tedy Bruschi is a hero. That guy's wicked courageous!"
"He recovered from a stroke to play football," Martin said looking visibly annoyed, "big freakin' deal!"
"You've got no heart!" McMullen argued back. "Tedy is the truest of true heroes!"
After another, longer scuffle the interview resumed.
"Anyway," McMullen said getting back on track, "our organization is having great results. It even appears that we'll be able to set up a pseudo-sports bar for the Somali people to gather and watch the game."
"Yes," Martin agreed, "that should work out great. Especially since it seems the TV and satellites we are sending to individual families are reportedly being traded in exchange for food."
"It's so sad. Those Somalis just don't understand what's really important." Mullen began to tear up and failed to add that because of the large volume of TVs and satellites being shipped to Somalia the value for this hardware has decreased so much that they have become worth only a single maggot-ridden biscuit.
"This World can be so cruel." Tears flowed from Martin's eyes, too. The two men embraced.
"Don't worry Phil, we'll make sure the Somalis know what's important." McMullen consoled Martin, "We'll make sure the whole World sees how great the Patriots are."
"Colts!" Martin screamed back.
"Pats!"
"COLTS!!!"
"PATS!!!!!!!!"