Ten Pop Culture-y Things For Which Teebore Is Thankful

Dairy Queen's Chicken Strip basket

One Sentence Reviews

Hey, who wants to read some one sentence reviews? .....Well you know what? I don't care what you think, I'm going to post them anyway!

Dr. Bitz Makes It Big!*

Congratulations to Dr. Bitz, who's been named one of the Star Tribune's Viking Fan Bloggers this season.

He will be lending his trademark wit, sarcasm and ability to cut through the bullshit to the doings and transpirings of the Minnesota Vikings throughout the season (though presumably with less talk of lesbian porn and dead hookers than regular readers of this blog have come to expect from him).

His first post is up now, and look for future installments on a regular basis (i.e. whenever he feels like it) here, and on the main Star Tribune Vikings Blogs page.

Congrats once again!



*And by "big" I mean "still writing for free, but also now for a site with significantly higher visibility and traffic."

Purple Redemption

***WARNING: This post contains spoilers for nearly everything. If you haven't read all the Harry Potter books, seen all the Star Wars movies, and watched the Buffy the Vampire television series then you may want to stay away. (Unless you don't care about those things being spoiled.)***

It's official. Brett Favre is a Viking. He even played in Friday's Viking preseason game. It was a surreal experience to say the least. But I'm in favor of the move and here's why:

1. Even at the age of 39-going-on-40 and coming to the team halfway through preseason, Brett Favre is still a better option at quarterback than anything the Vikings have now.

2. It's a gigantic F-U to Packers fans which I can always get behind. Think about it, Packer fans' memory of Super Bowl XXXI is now forever tainted with the thought that it was won by the legendary quarterback who ended playing for the Vikings.

3. Win or lose, there's no denying that at the very least this Vikings season will be entertaining and interesting.

However, there are some people out there who just can't accept Brett Favre as a Viking. They've hated him for so long when he was with the Packers that they refuse to root for him now.
I prefer to think of things this way: Brett Favre was once aligned with an evil empire but is now attempting to redeem himself by fighting on the side that is pure and good. You may think that Brett Favre is beyond redemption, but in fiction there have been much more ridiculous redemption stories.

So, in honor of Brett Favre:

Dr. Bitz's Top 5 Ridiculous Redemptions in Fiction(That I can think of off the top of my head)
Spike: Spike started out as a villain on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series. He ended up being an ally to Buffy and was even in love with her. Spike was also a fan favorite because...I don't know...women thought he was hot because he had an English accent, bad boy appeal, and they wanted to try and change him? Anyway, at the end of series Spike sacrificed himself to save the world. Which sounds like a noble redemption and all, but let's look at the facts.

First of all, Spike was a notorious vampire who killed more humans than we can count, including two slayers. He really seemed to enjoy the killing, too. The only reason he stopped killing people was not out of remorse but because a computer chip was installed in his brain that it prevented him from harming people.
With violence out of the picture, naturally Spike turned to sex. So he tried to get with Buffy, but she rejected him. So what does he do? He attempts to rape her of course. He didn't succeed, but it's still unforgivable.

Anyway, after that he decided to get himself a soul in hopes of an opportunity to knock boots with Sarah Michelle Gellar (which is about 1/10th the lengths your average fanboy would go to just to touch Buffy's boobies).

After being figuratively defanged and obtaining a soul, he hangs around in a basement and is all mopey until Buffy helps him out. Overall, it just seemed a bit far fetched that Buffy would hang around with a former serial killer/attempted rapist. But he apparently found redemption by making the "ultimate sacrifice." In my opinion, killing himself was the least Spike could do for the world. The fact that his death destroyed thousands of super vampires in the process was just an added bonus.

Beast: Alright, before we get started I'm well aware that there's about as many versions of the Beauty and the Beast story as times I've whacked it to lesbian porn. So let's just agree to go with the Disney version. (After all, it was nominated for Best Picture.)

Beast was once human (and a prince) but was kind of a dick. A woman came to his castle on a stormy night asking for shelter but the prince refused to let her in because she was fugly. The elderly woman turned out to be a sorceress and cursed him into a bestial form. But being a shallow dick doesn't mean you're beyond redemption. Refusing the sexual advances of uggos was only the beginning for the Beast.

You see, by becoming a beast the prince also gained all sorts of beastly powers. (Strength, agility, a good singing voice, etc.) But instead of using his new found powers to fight crime like the Ever-lovin' Thing did, he just decided to mope around his castle. Granted, that's pretty much how I spend my days, but I don't have beastly powers that could be used to make the world a better place! (We need to get Uncle Ben on his case.)

And if that wasn't enough, the movie introduces the Beast to us when Belle's father gets lost in the woods and wanders into his castle. And how does the Beast treat this scared and lost traveler who happened upon his abode? He roars and locks the father up in his dungeon for looking at him funny. Real mature.

However, the Beast does let the father go, but only in exchange for Belle because he wants to tap that. (And who wouldn't?)

Basically, the hero of this story (the guy we're supposed to want to be redeemed) is a short tempered, overly aggressive, kidnapping asshole who we can only assume is contemplating rape. (Now, that may be my watching too much Law and Order: SVU talking, but all I'm saying is that when someone kidnaps a woman and keeps them locked in their home, I get suspicious.)

Some people might get teary eyed and choked up when Belle finally professes her love for the Beast. I just think of it as a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome.

Severus Snape: Severus Snape was a Death Eater and a part of the evil Lord Voldemort's dark army. That is, until Voldemort killed Lilly Potter. At that point Snape fought for the good guys.

So, like Brett Favre, Snape left the bad guys and joined the good guys. Favre did it because the bad guys pretty much kicked him out but Favre still wanted to win a Super Bowl. Not necessarily the noblest of reasons to switch sides, but that's nothing compared to Snape.

Snape left Voldemort not because he was against the wanton killing of innocent people. In fact, Snape seemed quite comfortable with that. Snape left Voldemort because he was against the wanton killing of one single woman. A woman he wanted to stick his penis into. That's not noble, that's just being male...and a selfish one at that.

Beyond that, after Voldemort was defeated Snape became a teacher at Hogwarts. When Harry Potter attended the school Snape was a complete dick to him for no other reason than he had hated his dead father (most likely because Harry's dad had given it to Lilly good on a nightly basis). So Severus Snape was evil (and apparently horny) but "redeemed himself" by turning into a petty ass who enjoys bullying children half his age? If that's not self-improvement, I don't know what is!

I'm not saying Dumbledore shouldn't have accepted Snape's help. I'm just saying that Harry giving his child the middle name of Severus is a bit excessive.

(Also, Snape commenting on how Harry's eyes looks like his mother's is super creepy.)

Darth Vader: If you don't know who Darth Vader is then you've been living under a rock. He was a Sith and the right hand man to the emperor of an oppressive galactic government. At the end of the original Star Wars trilogy Darth Vader turns on the Emperor and throws him down a shaft, sacrificing himself in the process. However, before his death there was still time for he and his son, Luke Skywalker, to kiss and makeup...minus the kiss part. Darth Vader then got a proper burial, went to Jedi heaven with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and everyone left happy. Well, everyone except the billions of people who died because of him.

You see, originally Darth Vader was just your above average do-gooder Jedi. Then he had some nightmares about his gal dying. Now, I don't blame him for being worried about losing the uber-hot Natalie Portman, but his solution to the problem was a bit perplexing. He decided the best way to save his wife from dying was to kill many, many people. Including the brutal slaughtering of numerous "younglings".

After his initial slaughter, Darth Vader decided to travel the universe killing as many Jedi (whose pretty much sole purpose in life is to do good works) as he could find. But really, that's nothing compared to what he did after he kidnapped Princess Leia and brought her aboard the Death Star. (He didn't do THAT. She was his daughter you sickos.)

Princess Leia was brought to Grand Moff Tarkin and interrogated for the location of the rebel base. He threatened to destroy her home planet of Alderaan if she didn't talk. Leia then appeared to cooperate with Tarkin. Tarkin destroyed the planet of Alderaan anyway. And what did Darth Vader do about that? Nothing. He just sat idly by and watched, giving his tacit endorsement.

So frankly, it's all nice and everything that Darth Vader decided he loved his son and offed the Emperor, but after being a part of the destruction of a planet inhabited by nearly 2 billion people keeps him far from being redeemed in my book.

Vegeta: If using planetary destruction as a show of force by an oppressive regime is bad, how about planetary destruction for the sheer fun of it? But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself.

Vegeta was the main villain-turned-hero of the Dragon Ball Z series. Vegeta was one of the last of the Sayins. Sayins were a generally violent race of aliens who enjoyed fighting for the sake of fighting. Goku, the hero of Dragon Ball Z, is also a Sayin. He was sent to Earth to destroy it but thanks to a head injury that didn't happen.

To make an unnecessarily long story short, Vegeta learned of magical orbs on Earth that could grant wishes and thus journeyed to Earth to wish to become immortal. Goku defeated Vegeta, though, before Vegeta could make the wish. Vegeta then retreated and tried to become more powerful in order to defeat Goku but it never really happened. Eventually these adversaries began to respect one another and then became allies and fought together against other powerful beings attempting to destroy the Earth.

That all sounds nice and good, but Vegeta was pretty damned evil to start. He'd kill without discrimination because, basically, if you were so weak that you couldn't fight back then you deserved to die. But Vegeta's greatest atrocity came during his first journey to Earth.

When Vegeta and his cohort Nappa were traveling to Earth they decided to stop by the planet of Arlia. They allowed themselves to be captured there and were brought before an oppressive dictator. They then broke free of their bonds and took out the guards, killed a giant monster, and overthrew the dictator. All the citizens were freed, rejoiced, and hailed Vegeta and Nappa as heroes.

Vegeta and Nappa did all this on a lark. Overthrowing a government was just plain fun for them. You know what else was just plain fun for them? DESTROYING THE ENTIRE PLANET OF ARLIA!

That's right, Vegeta and Nappa left the planet but then stopped just long enough to send a super planet-destroying death ray hurtling towards Arlia. Why did Vegeta and Nappa destroy the entire planet of Arlia? For the hell of it.

Killing billions of people for sheer entertainment is as irredeemable an action as it gets. Goku should have slit Vegeta's throat the first chance he got simply out of principal. Instead Vegeta is hailed as a great warrior and a hero. Not in my book he isn't.

Suddenly, Brett Favre doesn't sound so bad, does he?

Quick Hits by Dr. Bitz

Visanthe's Shiancoe - First of all, this story is hilarious to me. From the fact the network producer completely missed this before putting it on the air to the fact that Childress appears to be sneaking a peak to the fact that Visanthe Shiancoe asked "How'd it look?" to a female reporter (My personal favorite part of the story).
The interesting thing is that I was at a football party that Sunday and after the Vikings won we stayed on Fox for a while until I decided to switch to another channel. Just as I was switching the channel I saw that Fox was showing the Vikings locker room, but the channel changed and I didn't bother to change it back. I'm still trying to decide if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Seeing the event unfold, so to speak, would have lead to some interesting conversation. And probably some insecurities among the guys. Except me...of course...because I got nothing to be ashamed of....so....yeah.

God bless America...and you best be acknowledging it! - I think we all know how I personally feel about that story. But it really does seem stupid to me. This isn't some motto for the Department of Homeland Security, like "In God We Trust", this a law that says the 'duty' of the Department of Homeland Security is to acknowledge God.
So basically, it's saying that in Kentucky, if you work for the Department of Homeland Security, a government job, you MUST acknowledge God's role in protecting the US. The first question is, of course, "Which God?" But secondly, isn't this a clear violation of the separation of church of state?

Politics as Usual? - Alright, call me naive, but I never thought I'd see in my lifetime a politician THIS corrupt holding any sort of high office. It's not just one bad thing he did, it's a myriad of absolutely appalling behavior. But what's really bothering me is trying to decide who Rod Blagojevich looks like. I'm thinking a cross between Christopher Reeves and an older Christian Bale...
By the way, this is the list of the last 3 governors of Illinois: Rod Blagojevich (Accused of auctioning off a Senate seat, amongst other things, and will soon to be serving time in prison), George Ryan (currently serving time in prison for illegally selling government licenses, contracts, and leases), Jim Edgar (tried to declare an "L. Ron Hubbard Day" and thus SHOULD be serving time for that in prison). Way to go, Illinois.

Dr. Bitz is no Peter Pan - Well, two things I never wanted to happen are happening. First, I'm growing old. Second, I'm becoming a shameless profiteer. Thus, if you click on that link you'll see me selling some of precious, precious toys. Only 3 things are up there right now, and feel free to bid, but more is to come so check back often...if you like toys...er...collectables. Soon I will be selling such awesome things as Star Wars miniature figurines with exclusive Boba Fett or skateboarding Dragon Ball Z characters. Of course, I haven't grown up too much since I'm still keeping some of my toys...mostly of a giant robot persuasion.
My favorite toy in the current things for auction has to be the 'Trasformer Ambulance Auto Robot'. It's a cheap Mexican knock off I got duped into buying when an Ebay seller pawned it off as an actual Ratchet. Bastard. But the packaging is pretty hilarious...trasformer...hehehehe.

One Sentence Reviews

Alright, it's back by popular demand! (Or my own laziness.) I'm gonna throw some more One Sentence Reviews at you.


Minnesota Vikings (2007 NFL Sports Team): I'm actually staring to believe in this team which means they're headed for a big time collapse.

Tales of the Abyss (Playstation 2 2006 Video Game): A very solid RPG with an interesting battle system but the game is long as hell and they expect people to play through it twice?


Beowulf (2007 Movie): Some cool action with a giant lull in the middle but, and I may sound like a cranky old man saying this, I can't believe this movie is rated PG-13.


The Departed (2006 Movie): Awesome!



Tin Man (2007 Sci-Fi Channel Mini-Series): The first installment shows that it has some promise but the problem with made for TV Movies/Miniseries (and the Sci-Fi channel especially suffers from this) is that the special effects are lacking to say the least.

The Transformers (2007 Movie): If you can ignore the plot holes this movie can be a lot of fun!


The Transformers (1986 Movie): If you can ignore the plot holes this movie can be a lot of fun!


Enchanted: Mrs. Dr. Bitz says that I shouldn't be too harsh on this movie becuase I should keep in mind that this movie is intended for 10-year-old girls...I weep for 10-year-old girls everywhere.

Not Playing by the Rules!

Vikings Head Coach Brad Childress admitted to not knowing the rules of football on Monday, October 1st during his weekly news conference.
"I know yesterday didn't work out well," the coach lamented referring to the Viking's 16-23 loss to their division rival Green Bay Packers, "but I'm just getting acclimated to the real rules of football." After the statement Coach Brad Childress realized what he just said, went red with embarrassment, and quickly stopped talking. After being pressed by various reporters the coach finally gave in and told the entire story.
"Well, everyone knows I didn't actually do anything in Philadelphia." The coach cleared his throat before continuing. "I mean, Andy Reid called all the plays there. I was just used to deflect the scorn from those ravenous Philadelphia fans from Reid to me. Heck, you throw an incomplete pass there and they want to rip your head off. Anyway, I got a call from Zygmund Wilf and he said he wanted me to be the head coach of the Vikings! I figured head coaching couldn't be too hard, right?" A rumbling of disbelief by all those present became audible.
"So I got here," Brad continued, "and I realized that I didn't have an NFL rule book. Well, I figured I could just ask to borrow one from another team. Since Wisconsin is right next door I couldn't see why the Green Bay Packers wouldn't want to help out their neigbor to the west, right?" Now the audible rumblings turned into outright laughter.
"Anyway," Brad Childress tried to bring order back to the room, "after the loss to Kansas City I shook Coach Herm Edwards' hand. I told him that things might have been different if the NFL didn't have that stupid rule about forward passes not exceeding 15 yards."
At this point a Vikings Representative tried to cut the news conference short. Brad shooed him away saying he needed to get this off his chest.
"So Herm Edwards looked at me like I was an idiot and said that there's no rule like that. A pass can be thrown any distance. I checked into it and found out that I had been bamboozled by the Packers. For over a year I've been using a doctored up rule book!"
A lot of media reporters nodded silently to themselves at the news. It seemed to explain a lot.
"But now I got the real rule book and there's going to be some changes. Just today I learned that the offensive line can actually block all players who are rushing the quarterback. I always thought you had to let at least one defender by to have a free shot at the passer." Coach Childress then added excitedly, "Oh! And next year I now know I can sign free agents that people have actually heard of!"
When asked if there are any rules in the real NFL rule book that Brad Childress didn't like the coach came up with a few.
"Well, I really wish they'd get rid of the rule about teams being named after Scandinavian Seafarers not being allowed to score more than 16 offensive points in a game. It seems to be unfairly targetting the Vikings." The audience snickered again. "Oh, and the limit on the number of downs a rookie running back can play is also a bit annoying."
Upon hearing this one reporter asked if the Green Bay Packers also gave Coach Childress this new rule book.
"No way," Head Coach Brad Childress said dismissing the question. "What do I look like, an idiot? I got the new rule book from the Chicago Bears."