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Monday, September 15, 2008

MLB Headlines Week 23

It is with a heavy heart that I write this, as explained by our headline of the week:

Dr. Bitz's fantasy baseball team advances to the league championship game by defeating Teebore's team.

Here's some headlines more punny in nature:

Dr. Bitz:
9/13/2008 Twins 12 Baltimore 2
Denard helps Twins span the gap against the White Sox with a multi-homer game.

9/13/2008 Rays 5 Yankees 6
Xavier erases any thought of a Rays win

9/13/2008 Royals 8 Indians 3
Carmona crapola against Kansas City

9/14/2008 Twins 3 Orioles 7
Five homers help Orioles fly high over the Twins

9/14/2008 Pirates 7 Cardinals 2
Pirates weekend sweep sinks St. Louis

9/13/2008 Blue Jays 8 Red Sox 1
Byrd flies the coop after crappy start

Voting to your left. Remember, a vote for Dr. Bitz is a vote for everything you are against.

It may look like Dr. Bitz won this contest last week, but a recount shows that I, in fact, won. Any calls for additional recounts by Dr. Bitz will be overturned by the Supreme Court, which ruled it best we just move on (wow, a 2000 election joke? Really Teebore? Seriously, what am I going to do next, make a crack about N*Sync?).


No Sunday log this week, as Dr. Bitz was too busy cruising the sunny seas and my team had this thing lost regardless of what happened Sunday. I suppose my team could have hit five home runs to take that category and then pitch well enough to retake WHIP, but what kind of team can hit five home runs in one day all the while his opponent's team hits none?

Oh, that's right, Dr. Bitz's team did that on Tuesday.

Here's how things ended between us:
Me: 24 8 26 5 .226 5 2 68 5.01 1.56
Him: 33 11 44 0 .369 2 1 34 3.83 1.53

Sadly, I was pretty well dominated in 4 of the 5 hitting categories (but my team was able to outrun his lumbering behemoth of a team) so my only hope of a victory was to hang on to steals and force a 5-5 tie in which I had the better ERA (the Yahoo tie breaking category). Of course, this didn't happen when:

A. Dr. Bitz figured this out and conceded wins, strikeouts and saves to me by benching his crappy starters and his various relievers in the hope that without them damaging his ERA , he could take that category and thus force a win in the event of a tie, under the assumption that my team would pitch itself out of contention

B. My team pitched itself out of contention.

In the end, all our ERA-inspired shenanigans were for naught, as my pitching sucked enough to blow that category and WHIP to give him a 6-4 victory. Maybe, just maybe, if he had kept Fausto "Crapola" Carmona and a couple of other starters in the game, his ERA and WHIP would have ballooned enough that I could have taken it all. But I doubt it. Or maybe my team could have hit better than .226 on the week. Either way, the approximately one hundred and sixty four home runs Nick Blackburn gave up in the Twins game yesterday certainly didn't help.

Nemesis of the Week:
So many to choose from. Kelly Shoppach had 7 runs, 3 homers, 7 RBI and a .500 average: as a catcher. But then again, my catcher has done his fair share of damage throughout the season too. Andre Ethier and his .529 average seemed to get a hit every bloody time he came up to bat. But I think my nemesis this week is obvious: the traitorous rookie phenom Jay Bruce. He only had 4 runs, 2 homers and 4 RBI but this week, but Bruce and I have history together. He was supposed to be the GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYER EVER when he was called up mid-season and I felt pretty good nabbing him back then. After a deceivingly torrid start which led me to reject several trade offers (including one from Dr. Bitz in which I would have acquired potential AL MVP Carlos Quentin) Bruce cooled down considerably, forcing me to drop him. His game has picked back up a bit lately, though certainly not to the level expected of him. Still, his help in finishing me off this week was a betrayal most bitter. Et tu, Bruce?

Savior of the Week:
No savior for me, as I must now move on to the consolation match and battle for my pride and third place. I prayed to Jesus over the course of the week, but he never showed. Like seemingly everyone else on my team, he probably had a sore hamstring.

The moral of this week's story is that you can't pin your hopes of winning the week on winning the ERA category. At least I went down swinging against a worthy opponent, and not someone who wasn't even paying attention. And finally, the two season long Fantasy Baseball bet between Dr. Bitz and I comes to a decisive conclusion. But more on that later...

Also, I know how Dr. Bitz's brother felt last Sunday. In one day, I ended my fantasy baseball playoff run, was eliminated from Survival Football by a 33-30 San Fransisco win over the Seahawks in overtime, and the Twins failed to sweep a vastly inferior team. Plus, the Vikings blew a 15-0 lead and never scored a touchdown. Booyah!

1 comment:

  1. "Andre Ethier and his .529 average seemed to get a hit every bloody time he came up to bat."

    Technically, with an average like that, I think it means he got a hit every OTHER time he came up to bat.

    "I prayed to Jesus over the course of the week, but he never showed. Like seemingly everyone else on my team, he probably had a sore hamstring."

    Joe Mauer doesn't have a sore hamstring. And he's not on your team anyway, so how was he going to help?


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