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Monday, September 8, 2008

MLB Headlines Week 22

Just finished watching the Vikings game. Frankly, it looked like a healthy dose of same old, same old. After the last game of last season, I could've fallen asleep, woken up today, watched this game, and I would've said, "Yeah, that looks about right. Jared Allen who? Bernard Berrian who?" You couldn't find those guys with a flashlight.
And don't even get me started on the Twins. Let's just say they're as done as a team can be when being out of the division lead by "only" 2 1/2 games.
Oh well, I suppose there's no reason to gripe. After September 10th, none of this will matter. Headline of the Week:
D-backs unable to Dodge sweep in Los Angeles

By the way, it's hard to say D-backs without sounding like you're saying d-bags.

September 5th, 2008 - Tigers 2 Twins 10
A Grand return as Morneau's Slam sweetens homecoming

September 6th, 2008 - Cubs 14 Reds 9
Alfonso Soriano a-soarin' as three homers help put the Reds in the black

September 5th, 2008 - Diamondbacks 0 Dodgers 7
Dodgers exterminate Diamondbacks lead with weekend sweep.

Dr. Bitz:
September 7th, 2008 - Tigers 7 Twins 5
Ryan rockets his first hit over the fence as the Tigers trash the Twins...again

September 7th, 2008 - Phillies 3 Mets 6
Carlos marvelous in win again Phills

September 7th, 2008 - Red Sox 7 Rangers 2
Byrd poops on the Rangers

I won last week. This week I'm going for world domination!!!

10:00 AM: Well, it's do or die time, back against the wall, gut check time, win or go home, and any other cliche you can think of. It's the playoffs and I'm going against my brother, to really up the ante. Here's how it shook out so far:
Me: 36 8 28 1 .322 3 8 50 4.61 1.31
Him: 17 3 18 2 .267 3 2 33 2.31 0.99

I'm in the catbird's seat. However, keep in mind the tie breaker in Yahoo goes to ERA, so all my brother has to do is tie 5-5 but win ERA (which he pretty much has wrapped up) and he wins the week. And it's very possible for him to take Wins or Strike Outs. I have one pitcher and he has three going today, one of which is Johan Santana. I have Wandy Rodriguez, who gets a lot of strikeouts, and he has Cliff Lee who doesn't, so it's Pedro Martinez who will be the difference maker. I'm nervous.
I would've picked up a lot more pitchers, but I picked up Adam Ethier to start the week, who has been a good pick up. Carlos Quentin's forearm is, like, shattered or something, so I picked up Rookie Phenom Jay Bruce. That only left two add for pitchers. I got Pettite, who netted me 9 strike outs to match Francisco Liriano's, and then I picked up Oakland's Scott Olsen, who only had 2 strike outs but got me a Win. If there wasn't this stupid add limit, I'd be owning this Sunday. Instead, I'll be sweating it out, but we'll see what happens.

12:20 PM: First batter of the day is Brandon "I'm almost always the first batter of the day and generally do nothing" Phillips. He strikes out.

12:40 PM: And now Rookie Phenom Jay Bruce was hit by a pitch. Steal! Steal! Steal!

12:43 PM: The next guy walked and now the bases are loaded. So no steal for Jay Bruce.

1:15 PM: OK, The Mets game has started. This is where the real "fun" begins.

1:16 PM: Miguel Cabrera singles against the Twins for my brother. So obviously my brother hates the Twins. I like the Twins, which is why Jermaine dye struck out swinging.

1:19 PM: Pedro Martinez is perfect through an inning, but no strike outs. so that's good. Wouldn't mind if he gave up a few runs though.

1:50 PM: Alright, I'm showered and panted. Let's see what's going on. The Unfortunately Named Albert Pujols got me a two run homer. I approve of that. Pedro Martinez gave up a couple of runs, that's good. 2 strike outs by Cliff Lee and Pedro Martinez so far. Not bad...but lets keep the strikeout totals low.

2:00 PM: Vladimir Guerrero stole a fantasy impact but my team could learn from that.

2:18 PM: Wandy Rodriguez has just started pitching for me...and he gave up a single. That doesn't sound like a strike out to me. Luckily Pedro just gave up a 3 run homer. Hopefully he's knocked out of the game soon.

2:19 PM: Big Poppi Punto just stole a base. Again, my team could learn something. Then again, it's easier to steal when you're on base. My team is 2 for 12 right now. And one of those was a home run.

2:23 PM: Ahhhh....2 strike outs for Wandy Rodriguez so far. That's the stuff.

2:24 PM: Of course Cliff Lee just got a strike out. But that's because there were men on base. And Cliff Lee always gets exactly what he needs exactly when he needs it.

2:26 PM: BOOM! Another strike out for Wandy Rodriguez. 3 Strike Outs in the first inning. If Wandy was a stripper, his name would be Kandy.

2:33 PM: What the flippin' hell!? Wandy Rodriguez was pinch hit for in the 2nd inning? He's out of the game? First Randy Johnson is scratched due to a bad back, and now this? Why does the world hate me?

2:35 PM: At least Pedro Martinez is out of the game. Only one strike out and no win for him. Now if only Cliff Lee could not get a win. I might as well wish for the ability to crap gold.

2:41 PM: "HOUSTON PITCHER WANDY RODRIGUEZ LEFT THE GAME IN THE TOP OF THE SECOND INNING DUE TO A STRAINED LEFT OBLIQUE." Which of course hurts me for next week too...assuming I get to next week.

2:43 PM: Miguel Cabrera hits a home run because like Teebore, my brother hates the Twins.

2:52 PM: Dan Wheeler comes into the game to pitch an inning and nets me a strike out. Always appreciated.

2:57 PM: Cliff Lee just gave up a run. Didn't know that was possible. He's still ahead by 2 runs though. And got another strike out. Stupid Cliff Lee.

2:58 PM: Breaking News: Twins suck...that is all.

3:18 PM: Mike Gonzalez pitched a scoreless inning with a strike out in the top of the 9th of a tied game. If Atlanta can get a run in bottom of the 9th I get a vulture win. Oh yeah, and the Twins REALLY suck.

3:31 PM: No vulture win. Stupid Atlanta offense.

3:35 PM: Andre Ethier singles to center. I like him so's like I'm sniffing ether! I'm here all day folks.

3:36 PM: Cliff Lee's out of the game with a total of 5 strike outs. Acceptable. Even more so if Rafael Perez give up the lead to cost Lee the win. Let's see.

3:57 PM: Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez grounds out. He's 0 for 2 today, and has yet to get a hit this weekend....against a Seattle team known for its terrible pitching. A-Rod's beginning to annoy me.

4:04 PM: Cleveland wins. Cliff Lee gets the win. What else is new?

5:13 PM: Argh, so Johnathon Papelbon was brought into the game even though it wasn't a save situation. And now hes got a strike out. Stupid Red Sox.

5:38 PM: Someone must have put a sliding glass door on first base because Stupid Hunter Pence stole second. Now I'm down by two stolen bases.

5:39 PM: Anyway, my brother's day pitchers are done for the day, but the fearful Johan Santana still has to pitch in the night game. Basically, if Johan gets 18 Strikeouts, I lose the week. Not likely, but if anybody can do it...or Carlos Delgado could get two stolen bases. Bwa-ha-ha-ha. Sorry, I have to wipe the tears from my eyes.

7:24 PM: We're through one inning in New York. Santana has a strike out. I can handle that ratio.

7:49 PM: Another inning, another strike out. Still not terrible.

8:10 PM: Ugh...Johan struck out the side. Not happy about that.

8:13 PM: Delgado hit a meaningless home run. Too bad those don't count as stolen bases.

8:26 PM: Santana gets through another inning. But no strike outs. So that's good.

8:45 PM: Another inning, another strikeout. I think I'm safe. But we'll see. Also, another meaningless homer by Delgado. Save some for next week!

9:00 PM: Another inning for Johan and no strike out. Unless he pitches into extra innings, there's no way he can get enough strike outs to beat me. This means I get the pleasure of losing to Teebore next week!

9:32 PM: After one out in the 7th, Johan is out of the game. I win by 11 strike outs.

10:00 PM: Night game is officially over. This is how it looks:

Me: 43 11 35 1 .305 3 8 57 4.29 1.27
Him: 21 5 21 3 .275 5 2 46 2.83 1.09

Well, my hitting did well. And 8 saves is a lot. But it came down to Strike Outs, and I eeked out the category. It would have been even closer if my brother didn't forget to put Santana in on Monday who had 10 Strike Outs. But I'm glad I won by more than 10 so the victory doesn't feel tainted. But, I think my team will have to do better to beat Teebore's team next week. The way I hear it, he has a fool proof plan for beating me. So we'll see.

Nemesis of The Week:
We'll say Cliff Lee, because he annoys me. 2 Wins, 9 Strike Outs, 0.55 ERA, and a 0.80 WHIP. That's sick.

Savior of The Week:
A-Rod did get 9 Runs, 3 Home Runs, 10 RBI, a Steal, and had a .346 Batting Average. But his hitless weekend pissed me off. I should also note that newly acquired Andre Ethier had 9 Runs, 2 Home Runs, 8 RBI, and a .667 Average. But I'll go to the pitching side. Andy Pettite's 9 strike out game (3.86 ERA, 1.14 WHIP) was big to keep pace with Francisco Liriano.

The Moral of this week's story is that I'm glad I'm not my brother. Not only did he lose to me this week and was knocked out of the playoffs, but he had Tom Brady on his fantasy football team whose out for the season, and in his Survivor League he picked San Diego who lost on the last play of a game. My TV and computer would no longer be functioning if I were him. I won't be around next week to catalog my inevitable loss to Teebore. But we'll see.

1 comment:

  1. Ah! It's the Large Hadron Collider! Run!

    Man, that Vikings game was wretched. It seemed like T-Jack had more rushing yards than Adrian Petersen, with all the scrambling around he did.

    I hate Cliff Lee too. Though I don't hate the Twins, contrary to the slander you're always slinging...

    Speaking of the Yankees losing to the crappy Mariners, you know what team's pissing me off lately? The Blue Jays. After sweeping the Twins, they sweep the Rays, like they're a good team with something to play for or something. Seriously, sit down and sulk into the offseason already (though it is pretty funny that they passed NY for 3d place in the AL East).

    "Someone must have put a sliding glass door on first base because Stupid Hunter Pence stole second."

    Thanks for working in one last Hunter Pence/sliding glass door joke. Its much appreciated.

    "Also, another meaningless homer by Delgado. Save some for next week!"

    No, waste them all! Mwahaha, my plan comes together perfectly!

    Remember people, don't be swayed by Dr. Bitz's admittedly hilarious poop pun; I have the better puns overall! Vote Teebore!


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