Happy Presidents Day!

It's sort of a holiday in the US today, as most banks and federal offices are closed and the History Channel is running fun documentaries about the Presidents in celebration of America's leaders through the years (well, specifically, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, whose February birthdays got smooshed together into one "President's Day" for national celebratory purposes).

I'm a huge Presidential trivia nut, so to celebrate, here's some past posts I've written on the subject (nothing new, of course. Because it's a holiday).

Here are some (mostly accurate) fun facts about Washington and Lincoln.

Meanwhile, this post contains some fun trivia on America's lesser known and not-as-talked-about Presidents.

Finally, here's an old favorite in which I compare America's Founding Fathers to the founding Avengers.

Enjoy, and remember, if you're going to give a long speech in freezing, rainy March weather, wear a damn coat! No one will think less of you. 

What's Your Favorite Episode of The Simpsons?

It's lazy day here at GoL (well, lazier than usual): first, I wanted to do some kind of Presidents Day post, but couldn't come up with a good hook. So instead, I'll direct you this older Presidents Day post I did back in 2009 in which I compared America's Founding Fathers to the Avengers.

Second, last night marked the airing of the 500th episode of The Simpsons, a remarkable achievement for any TV show, especially in this day and age (I'll share my thoughts on the episode itself in Friday's "Last Week in TV" post).

 
As someone who both loves The Simpsons and writes about it frequently, I feel like I should have done something significant to mark the occasion (perhaps even my long-gestating "favorite episodes" post). But, frankly, the whole thing kind of snuck up on me. So the favorite episodes post will have to wait for another milestone (perhaps even the end of the show; you have no idea how daunting that post is), but in the meantime, to half-assedly mark the occasion, as I'm sure Homer would appreciate, I turn it over to you, the readers: what's your favorite episode (or episodes) of The Simpsons?

Earth's Mightiest Presidents!

During last year's Presidents' Day festivities, I noticed that the founding Avengers have a lot in common with our Founding Fathers: both are groups composed (mainly) of men who came together to accomplish that which they couldn't individually. With that in mind, here's a look at each founding Avengers' presidential counterpart.

George Washington--Thor


Just as George Washington is considered first amongst American leaders, Thor is considered-in terms of power and awe-first amongst the Avengers. Both are figures of mythic proportions that exceed their realities, and both are mighty warriors. And just as George Washington played a prominent role in the creation of America by successfully leading the ragtag American army to victory during the Revolutionary War, Thor was instrumental in first assembling the Avengers, as they came together as a result of an attempt to defeat Thor by Loki, his half-brother.

John Adams--Hulk


Okay, bear with me on this one. Hulk and John Adams line up mainly because they are both important but don't have obvious counterparts. But Hulk was the target of Loki's aforementioned scheme: he was trying to lure Thor into a battle with the Hulk, a battle Loki believed he would lose. And thus, Hulk is as important, in his own way, to the creation of the Avengers as Thor is, just as John Adams was pivotal to the creation of our country, though in a much different way than Washington.

Also, Hulk left the Avengers in their second issue, making him one of the shortest-tenured Avengers on record, just as John Adams was the only single term Founding Father.

Thomas Jefferson--Iron Man


While billionaire industrialist Tony Stark, with his connections to big business, may seem to have more in common with the mercantile Federalists than Jefferson's salt-of-the-earth Democrat-Republicans, both men share a variety of intellectual interests, as well as a certain fondness for the ladies. Both men are frequently considered the smartest men in whatever room they find themselves. And Thomas Jefferson created the United States Navy, which is just about the closest you could get to creating a sophisticated suit of high tech armor in the 17th century.

James and Dolly Madison--Ant-Man and the Wasp


The diminutive Father of the Constitution and his wife Dolly have a lot in common with Hank and Janet Pym. Both couples played critical roles in the formation of their respective organizations: James helped write the Constitution and led the country through the War of 1812 while Dolly oversaw the evacuation of the White House as the British marched on Washington, making sure the portrait of George Washington and other historic relics survived the English pillaging. Meanwhile, it was Ant-Man and the Wasp who suggested the Avengers work together as team, even coining the team's name. While Hank's contributions to the team are overshadowed by a certain incident that occurred years later, both remain Avengers stalwarts critical to the early success of the team.

Abraham Lincoln--Captain America


Captain America technically isn't a founding Avenger: he didn't join the team until their fourth issue. But Cap came to personify the Avengers more than any other member, to the point that many feel it's not the Avengers without Captain America on the team. As such, he was made an honorary founding member. In much the same way, for addressing the lingering issue of slavery once and for all, Lincoln is considered to have finished the work started by the Founding Fathers, and is certainly held in as high regard as them to this day. Just as Lincoln presided over America's second revolution and ensured that our country would continue as the founders had foreseen, Captain America continued to lead the Avengers to greater heights long after the other founders had moved on to other things.

Bonus!

Benjamin Franklin--Dr. Strange


Dr. Strange was never an Avenger, but he did pop up in his fair share of 1960s Marvel comics, just as Benjamin Franklin was never President but was one of the most influential Founding Fathers and a well-regarded American statesmen abroad. And frankly, there's plenty of times that Franklin seemed like a crazy magician.

Faith in Leadership

Lots of promises were made in this past election season, however, I can't help but wonder what has been accomplished.

Have we been protected from menacing mystical forces and the dread Dormammu?

Where is all the evidence of indiscriminate smashing?

This next election cycle be sure to vote for a person (or entity) you can trust to follow through on his/her/its promises.

A message from Kitty Pryde.

"I Have a Dream . . ."

At 11:11 this morning, I, a hairy man from East St. Paul, sat in my Pontiac at Holiday eating a double cheeseburger and onion rings from JT’s listening to Barrack Obama’s inaugural address. I was troubled.

For the past several months an idea has been gestating within me. Every mention of our 44^th president has been linked with a common phrase – “the first African-American president of the United States.”

Why? Why does everyone need to quote this? Some may say, given our country’s history, this is a momentous achievement that must be recognized as proof racism has been overcome. I utterly disagree. Our society’s obsession with physical characteristics has a completely negative effect.

If racism were truly ended we would be appreciating Obama’s inauguration solely for his message of hope and inspirational leadership not for the color of his skin. The tint of his flesh shouldn’t even be mentioned, nor should the size of his feet or the number of his teeth. None of these things matter. What truly matters is the message he relays and the actions he takes.

Recently, I’ve contracted an antipathy for John Lennon. One of the greatest stunts he pulled was his and Yoko Ono’s “bag-in” where they refused to uncover themselves from a sheet while reporters interviewed them. Their message was profound. “Listen to our words and ignore our physical traits.” The media didn’t get it. Or maybe they did but they obviously refused to implement any change in the way we judge others.

I’m thoroughly sick of our society’s obsession with physical traits. I couldn’t care less if someone is the first “woman” to accomplish something or the first “Indian” to punch a donkey. All that matters to me is what they accomplished. I truly hope and pray Barrack “fraggle-rock” Obama can bring this country together and ease our concerns and tribulations. If he does, I will give him recognition as an effective president, not as a effective “African-American”

president.

A message from Adam James Pankratz, the first “sasquatch” to become a gentleman of leisure.

Happy Birthday George Washington!

George Washington is famous for inventing the quarter, the one dollar bill and America; for chopping down a cherry tree and thus sparking a centuries-long war of revenge against America; for imbibing a radioactive jug of corn whiskey and cider to grow seventy stories tall and then swimming bareback across the Atlantic in order to arm wrestle King George III for control of the thirteen American colonies; for dying at the hands of George Washington Carver; for having robot simulacrums rampage through Disneyworld; and for having incredibly large, phallic monuments erected in his memory.

As a farmer, Washington introduced the mule to America. He also grew marijuana but didn’t have to hide it under a camouflage net: historians claim that at the time, the crop was grown mainly for its industrial use as hemp and to help stabilize soil, and that it wouldn’t be until many years after Washington that the recreational and illegal use of the plant became popular. We all know the truth, however: Washington was down with the ganj.

Washington is the only President to win a unanimous vote of the Electoral College (in the election of 1820 James Monroe won all but one of the Electoral votes). He was also the first mason to serve as President.

In sharp contrast to William Henry “I don’t know well enough to wear a coat in the rain while giving the longest inaugural address in history” Harrison, Washington’s second inaugural address was the shortest ever delivered: 135 words (compared to Harrison’s 8,443 words).

Washington is the highest ranked person in the army, ever, and always will be. On January 19, 1976, as part of America’s bicentennial celebration, a joint congressional resolution, signed into law by President Ford, posthumously promoted Washington to the grade of General of the Armies of the United States and stated that this grade has rank and precedence over all other grades of the Army, past or present.

We Are the Mediocre Presidents

"We are the mediocre presidents.

You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents!
There's Taylor, there's Tyler, there's Fillmore and there's Hayes.

There's William Henry Harrison,

“I died in thirty days!”

We... are... the...Adequate, forgettable,

Occasionally regrettable

Caretaker presidents of the U-S-A!"

Ah, President’s Day: when the few people who reflect on this day do so, they usually think of Washington and Lincoln, the two presidents whose birthdays Presidents Day usually falls between. But the holiday is called “Presidents Day” not “Presidents Who Matter Day”. So with that in mind, here’s a look at some fun presidential facts focusing on those lesser known presidents.

Martin Van Buren (aka Martin Van Who?) was the first president born in the United States: the preceding Presidents were all born when the United States was still known as“the colonies” and drinking the King’s tea.

William Henry Harrison is perhaps the best known of the mediocre Presidents, being famous for dying in “thirty days.” It is believed Harrison died of pneumonia brought on by delivering the longest inaugural address in American history (8,444 words which took nearly two hours to deliver) on an extremely cold and wet March 4th without wearing his overcoat, followed by an inaugural parade through the streets. One has to wonder how many people actually heard his speech, in a day lacking mass communication and delivered in such miserable weather. The condition was later worsened by the fact that Harrison was unable to properly rest following his inauguration as he was deluged at the White House by office seekers, as was the custom at the time. Perhaps the country was better off having a man who lacked the good sense to at least wear a coat in the rain last only thirty days as President.

John Tyler was Harrison’s Vice President and thus, most likely to become president upon Harrison’s death. However, this was the first time a president had died in office and the rules of succession were not made very clear by the framers of the constitution. Tyler took it upon himself to take the presidential oath of office, initiating a custom that would influence all future successions (but remained a custom until the 25th Amendment was passed in 1967). Often referred to as the “Acting President” or “His Accidency”, Tyler was not taken seriously. Shortly after taking office he vetoed almost the entire Congressional agenda of his Whig party members and was officially expelled from the party, becoming known as “the man without a party.”
Tyler was also the president with the most children: 15. So, you know, good for him.

Zachary Taylor, the last southerner elected until Woodrow Wilson, was elected on the strength of his popularity as a general in the Mexican War. He had a short tenure as president, dying in office shortly after a Fourth of July ceremony celebrating the groundbreaking of the Washington monument, at which he consumed a snack of iced milk and cold cherries, which, combined with heat stroke, is considered by most historians to have killed him.

(Incidentally, Americans used to really love electing generals as presidents. Twelve presidents were formerly generals: Washington, Andrew Jackson, William H. Harrison, Taylor, Franklin Pierce, Andrew Johnson, U. S. Grant, Hayes, James Garfield, Chester A. Arthur, Bemjamin Harrison, and Eisenhower. Which means there is still hope for General Hawk in ’08)

James Buchanan was the only president to never marry and may also be the only gay President, as rumors of his homosexuality circulated at the time of his election based on the close relationship he shared with his predecessor’s Vice President. Also, he was the president right before Abraham Lincoln and really didn’t do much to ease sectional strife, kind of dropping the ball on that whole “War Between the States” thing.

Rutherford B. Hayes shows us that Dubya wasn’t the first Republican to steal an election; that honor belongs to “Rutherfraud B. Hayes” as Democrats would come to refer to him following the election. Hayes lost the popular vote to his heavily favored opponent, Democrat Samuel J. Tilden by about 250,000 votes in the election of 1876. However, four state’s electoral college votes, three of which were southern states still under military rule, were contested. To win, a candidate had to muster 185 votes. Tilden was short just one and Hayes had 166. 19 votes were being disputed.
A special electoral commission was created to decide the election, comprised of congressmen and Supreme Court justices. Two days before the inauguration, the commission voted along party lines, 8-7 to give Hayes all the remaining votes, and the presidency.
After some southern Democrats threatened rebellion over what they believed was the theft of the election, an agreement put forth by key Republican leaders, known as the Compromise of the 1877, was reached to placate these Democrats. It stated that Hayes would pull federal troops out of the South and end Reconstruction, and include a southern Democrat in his cabinet.
After all this hullabaloo, you’d think Hayes would want a good stiff drink. He might have, but his wife, who was a vocal leader of the temperance movement, did not, and thus all liquor and wine was banished from the White House for the duration of his presidency.

William Taft is the only President to serve as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and thus the only former President to swear in subsequent Presidents Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover. He thought of his time as Chief Justice to be the high point of his career: allegedly he once said, "I don't remember that I ever was President."
Also, Taft weighed eight metric tons and was, needless to say, the heaviest president. He once got stuck in the White House bathtub, and had to have a larger one installed to accommodate his girth.

Gerald Ford is the only president to never be elected in a popular election. After Nixon VP Spiro Agnew resigned, Ford, Speaker of the House at the time, was chosen to replace him, and then became president when Nixon himself resigned.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln!

President Abraham Lincoln, born on this day in 1809, is best known for inventing the penny and the five dollar bill, single handedly obliterating the entire Confederate Army with his heat vision, having holographic simulations of himself go on destructive rampages, and encasing himself in marble to watch over the nation until he is needed to light our darkest hour.


President Lincoln was the first president to have a beard while in office, a worthy precursor of such magnificently hirsute commanders-in-chiefs as Rutherford B. Hayes and Benjamin Harrison.


Lincoln was also the only president to obtain a patent (for a complicated device designed to lift ships over rocks or something like that; it was never put into widespread use) and the first president to be born in a state that wasn’t one of the thirteen original colonies (Kentucky).


 Lincoln was known to take his dreams very seriously: the morning before he was assassinated he discussed a dream at a cabinet meeting, in which he saw himself sailing “in an indescribable vessel and moving rapidly toward an indistinct shore.” A week before he was killed, he had a dream in which he awoke to the sound of sobbing and followed it to the East Room of the White House. Inside he found a black draped casket and asked “Who is dead?” A military guard told him it was the President. So apparently, amongst his many other powers, President Lincoln had eerily prophetic dreams.


The coolest true story you’ll ever hear about Abraham Lincoln? In 1842 Lincoln was challenged to a duel by a state auditor, who was furious over a letter to the local paper Lincoln’s wife had written. Given the choice of weapons, as was the custom at the time, Lincoln chose broadswords, being accomplished as he was in the medieval arts (actually, because he was tall with long arms, thus giving him a large advantage when dueling with a frickin’ BROADSWORD, so Lincoln believed such a choice would likely scare off his opponent). Sure enough, the idea of facing off against a broadsword-wielding Lincoln was frightening enough for his opponent, and the challenger wisely decided to settle his differences with Lincoln without the duel. After all, there can be only one.