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Monday, June 23, 2008

MLB Headlines Week 12

More headlines. I don't have much to say this week. Teebore won last week, but I made a late surge. Probably because of the comment I made involving "WANG coming up LIMP while rounding the bases in an ATTEMPT TO SCORE." I'll be honest, after missing that pun only to think of it's hard to keep this up. I mean., that was the pun I started doing this for...and I missed it. Now Wang's injured and the chance for such a pun is gone. This missed pun will haunt me for the rest of my life. Headline of the Week:
As Youk like it: Sox com back to down Cards

I personally would've preferred "As Youk wish", but that's just me.

Dr. Bitz:
June 22nd, 2008 - Diamondbacks 3 Twins 5
Webb snakebitten in fifth as Twins cut through his sticky, silky thread for the win.

June 22nd, 2008, 2008 - Royals 11 Giants 10
Down by 7, Royals make a king-sized comeback.

June 22nd, 2008, 2008 - Rangers 5 Nationals 3
Let the era of Teixeira begin. A reMARKable 3 home run day!

June 21st, 2008 – Cardinals 9 Red Sox 3
Dice-ERA: Return from the disabled list leaves Matsuzaka mauled.

June 22nd, 2008 - Diamondbacks 3 Twins 5
Five in Five: Run-scoring fifth inning enables Twins to escape Arizona's Webb.

June 22nd, 2008 - White Sox 1 Cubs 7
Sleepy southside Sox swept into dumpster by Dempster as Cubbies take three.

Voting's to your left!

11:59 AM: I've found the secret to Fantasy Baseball, play a guy who never changes his lineup and has three of his hitters on the DL. It works out surprisingly well. I'm actually dominating, winning 9 categories to 1. And actually, for a little time yesterday I had all ten categories. Here's how it's looking now.

Me: 29 7 27 4 .342 2 8 34 1.83 1.09
Him: 18 4 16 1 .352 0 2 24 6.27 1.29

When I had overtaken average yesterday I was considering taking all my batters out of my line up and hoping his batters don't do well enough to take average back. I doubt they could make up doubled digit leads in Runs and RBIs. But I'm down in average and my batters are in to see if they can't help out the cause...that and I'm afraid Valdimir Guererro might go off for like 4 home runs.
I have one starting pitcher going today but I benched him. Something about Johnny Cueto going against the Yankees gives me the heebee jeebees. So I'm going to hope his pitcher, Dustin McGowan doesn't have a 10 stike out perfect game or something. Also, hopefully my relievers can't make up for any damage D-Mac does do.
In other news, Mr. Glass is no longer on my team. "Jell-O for Brains" Ryan Doumit is now my full time catcher...when he comes back from his concussion...supposedly Tuesday. Anyway, I traded 'Mr. Glass' Joe Mauer and Milton 'Crocodile Dentist' Bradley to my sister for Albert Pujols...hopefully he's good when he comes off the DL! Anyway, it doesn't shape up to be an exciting Sunday, but we'll see what happens.

12:21 PM: First hitter of the day is Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez.

12:22 PM: And he struck out swinging. Stupid A-Rod...stupid Johnny Cueto striking him out...

12:33 PM: And Brandon Phillips grounds average is getting hurt here.

1:08 PM: Cueto has 3 scoreless innings now. And my team is one for six so far...grrrrr....

1:28 PM: Carl Crawford and Connor Jackson both had singles, helping out the cause.

1:34 PM: Miguel 'Spicy' Tejada flies out, hurting the cause.

1:35 PM: Apparently Dustin Pedroia doesn't know how NOT to get a hit.

1:42 PM: In Texas there's a guy with the last name Duran...he should play into Toronto with Rios.

1:51 PM: Hunter Pence, who's always on the bubble, lofts a solo home run. I think that seals home runs for me. It's also helping out my average, which is always appreciated.

1:52 PM: Of course my opponent is 3 for 6, which makes winning average difficult.

1:56 PM: D-Mac has loaded the bases with no outs. A couple earned runs would really help me out.

1:57 PM: Teebore's going against boots~ this week and had 6 home runs in a day. He said if he doesn't win Home Runs he'll be pissed. Well, he's only had 1 home run since then and boots~ has managed to tie Teebore at 7. Teebore could fly into a Hulk-like rage if we're not careful.

1:58 PM: A couple of earned runs for Dustin McGowan. That's really big because now realistically the best Dustin can do is have a 2.00 ERA, which is higher than my team ERA. Combine that with the 4 hits against D-Mac this inning and I'm looking good in WHIP too.

2:00 PM: I'm kind of sick of commercials and other media looking for some long word that sounds confusing and complex. They'll always go back to the well with anitdisestablishmentarianism. Sure it's long, but not complicated. It's too cliche now. Find a new long, complicated word to make yourself sound smart.

2:02 PM: Anyway, I've got to shower. I'll be back later.

2:32 PM: I love it when my players help out the Twins. Connor Jackson 'lost the ball in the roof' and gave Delmon Young a gift double. He knows where his loyalties me!

2:55 PM: Alright, Crawford is up for me, Posada and Pedroia are up for my opponent...

2:56 PM: Pedroia doubles...

2:57 PM: And Posada RBI doubles...

2:59 PM: And Crawford strikes out swinging...sounds about right.

3:00 PM: It's kind of sad when I'm pissed my team is batting .400 for the day and .347 for the week.

3:11 PM: So there's this commercial about these fuel efficient cars where a person will park at a pump and run into the gas station and while they are gone the gas pump will do something like lock the person's door or something. You know, because the gas pump is upset that the car doesn't need gas or something. My thought is, who are these dousch bags that are parking in front of the pump to run into the station but not getting any gas? Every gas station I have seen has parking spots in front of the building for people who don't need gas. Don't hog a spot in front of a gas pump unless you intend to use it. Idiots.

3:27 PM: Brandon Phillips singled, trying to help me out. I just don't think I can keep pace with my opponent...we'll see.

3:29 PM: Well, I must got an open house. I'll be back later.

6:15 PM: The day games are over. I have Dye and Quentin in the night game and I need them to both go like 4 for 4 to win or something.

7:26 PM: Quentin singled...but Dye grounded into double play.

10:11 PM: Well, Dye and Quentin tried but the 3 for 8 they combined for wasn't enough for me to take over average. I suppose I'll have to settle for a 9-1 victory. At least my decision to play my batters today wasn't a bad one. They went .393 for the day which certainly raised my average...just not enough.

Me: 33 8 28 4 .349 2 8 34 1.83 1.09
Him: 21 4 18 2 .365 1 3 28 5.54 1.50

For like 4 weeks in a row I've been trying to break 30 in the RBI department and failed. But this week 28 was more than enough. 2 is another pathetic Win total and 34 Strike Outs ain't nothing to write home about. But that's expected with my 'less is more' pitching philosophy with max relievers and minimal starting pitching. That's why my saves, ERA, and WHIP are so good. But, this week I managed to sweep the pitching categories despite those low numbers...thanks to an inatentive opponent.

Nemesis of The Week: Well, Dustin Pedroia managed to hit .500 on the week. Not happy about that. And Vladimir Guerrero hit .440 with 3 home runs. Both are contenders. But my Fantasy Nemesis of this week is Back Spasms. Erik Bedard started on Friday and was taken out of the game in the third inning due to Back Spasms. Who knows when he'll pitch again. Seattle's closer Brandon Morrow didn't play at all this weekend because of, you guessed it, Back Spasms. Must be something in the Seattle water...but I need it to stop...NOW! Stupid Back Spasms...

Savior of The Week: You know what? I think it's gonna be a three-pete. Alex Rodriguez started the week great with two home runs in two games. But he's since tailed off and only hit .375 for the week. But what sets A-Rod apart this week is his 3 steals. He nearly won that category for me single-handedly. And for that he's my Savior of the Week.

The moral of this week's story is that it's easy to win when your opponent has given up and is not paying attention. But it really isn't all that fun or satisfying. winning 9-1 doesn't have the same appeal when it's against someone who doesn't care.

1 comment:


    Sorry, just thinking about last week sends me into a Hulk-like rage. Did you see my line on Saturday? 1 run. 1 *expletive deleted* run?!? That's the best you can do? One day you can hit 6 homers, another just 1 lousy run? Oh, and what's this? Marcum's on the DL? Where'd that come from? Nowhere? Oh well, who needs pitchers? Let's put them all the DL!

    It isn't like ~boots had that great of a week either. He beat me in homers 8 to 7. The last time we played each other, he beat me 13 to 12. That's a respectable number. This week we both kind of sucked. He just sucked a little bit less.


    Anyway, rant over...

    "In Texas there's a guy with the last name Duran...he should play into Toronto with Rios."

    Nice. I agree.

    I remember when I was in 4th grade I would spout out antidisestablishmentarianism in order to show people how smart I was (yeah, I was kind of an ass, but I had low self-esteem so I took what I could get). More importanly, it proves Dr. Bitz's point that the use of that word to sound smart has become ridiculously cliche. Come on people, time to move on.

    I'm pretty sure that "Back Spasms," at least when Bedard uses it, is just code for "my vag hurts."


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