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Monday, October 1, 2007

"10 Character" Meme

OK, this is a meme, blah blah, you already read about it below. However, I did things a bit differently than Teebore. I decided to pick 25 characters (all of whom had to be different than Teebore's picks) and then had Mrs. Dr. Bitz pick 10 random numbers which would correspond to a character.

All the characters were from shows or stories that I am or at least once was interested in. My group ended up being rather eclectic...

1. Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)
2. Vash the Stampede (Trigun)
3. Papa Smurf (The Smurfs)
4. Lion-O (Thundercats)
5. Max Sterling (Robotech)
6. Sailor Moon (Sailor Moon)
7. Princess Monoke [San] (Princess Mononoke)
8. Robin [Dick Grayson] (Batman)
9. Rodimus Prime (The Transformers)
10. Lala-Ru (Now and Then, Here and There)

1. Divide the list up by even and odd. Which group of five would make a better Five Man Band (like a Power Rangers team)? Who would you slot in each position: Leader, Lancer (second-in-command), Big Guy, Smart Guy, The Chick? If you think the team would be improved by swapping one character between the even and odd groups, which ones would you switch?

Team A: Cloud Strife, Papa Smurf, Max Sterling, Princess Monoke, Rodimus Prime
Team B: Vash the Stampede, Lion-O, Sailor Moon, Robin, Lala-Ru

Team A Roster:
Leader --- Papa Smurf (Listen, you can take your Optimus Primes, your Commander Siskos, your Lion-Os, your Supermans, your Cyclops, your Professor Xs, your Ronald McDonalds, take any leader you can think of and they're nothing compared to the leadership abilities of Papa Smurf. Here's a guy who leads over a community consisting of like a hundred males and one female and he has somehow managed to keep that one female from getting raped like five times a night. Let's face it, that's nothing short of a miracle. Papa Smurf should be canonized in my eyes.)

Lancer --- Rodimus Prime (I had to put him somewhere. Basically it came down to who was stronger, Rodimus or Cloud, and I get more in depth below. But let's face it, if something happens to Papa Smurf and Rodimus becomes the leader than the team is screwed. All someone has to do is mention how much better things would be if Optimus Prime were around and Rodimus won't come out of his room for a week.)

Big Guy --- Cloud Strife (Yeah, I gotta say Cloud could take Rodimus. I mean, sure, Cloud may not be a giant robot, but he can summon the Kremlin which then turns into a giant robot. That's pretty sweet. Besides, look at that big ass sword he carries. He can put magic stones into that sword that allows him to do all sorts of magic. I'd think his lightning spells could wreak havoc on Rodimus. You could argue, especially later in the game, that Cloud would be a good leader. But he's no Papa Smurf. Besides, Cloud's emotionally fragile at best. Just ask him about his childhood and he'll probably crawl into the fetal position and bawl and babble about what number he is. It would go on like that until someone slaps him across the face and reminds him that no matter how weak he was he's a complete badass now so he best start acting like one. He probably wouldn't listen, though.)

Smart Guy --- Max Sterling (I dunno, he seems the smartest of this bunch. He's a tech head, he's the ace pilot of the United Earth Forces, and he's known throughout the universe as the deadliest Robotech pilot ever. He also seems to be the type of guy that knows something about everything.)

Chick --- Princess Mononoke (Well, she's got the XX required for this category. Although if Peter Patrelli made the list he'd totally be the chick. Princess Mononoke has many traits that I believe embody a chick. Generally, the first words any chick says to me when I first meet them is "Go away." So she's consistent in that aspect.)

Team B Roster:
Leader --- Lion-O (Lion-O's like me, he's a 12-year-old boy trapped in an adult's body. Why his suspension pod allowed his body to age while Wiley Kit and Wiley Kat still stayed kids is beyond me. Lion-O matured though, and by the end of the series he was definitely a capable leader. Even if he always had to resort to calling his friends over to help him out of a jam. Still, he's a better leader than anyone else on this team. Vash may come close, but he's too much of a loner.)

Lancer --- Sailor Moon (She could be the chick, but the way I see it, Sailor Moon is more of a "guy's chick". I mean, she loves comic books, video games, goofing off, eating junk food, and you know she's totally easy. She can get a bit annoying and she complains about being fat despite looking slightly anorexic. So I think she's best placed in the Lancer position and the team can just hope she doesn't break anything.)

Big Guy --- Vash the Stampede (Vash kicks all forms of ass. He can also take a licking but keeps on ticking. If I needed some threat neutralized then Vash would definitely be the guy on this team I'd go to. Provided, you know, it wouldn't involve any killing.)

Smart Guy --- Robin (I'm not sure what it says when the Dick Grayson Robin is the smartest guy on your team. I'm sure Batman has taught him a thing or two and probably put Robin through all sorts of grueling mental tasks. So I figure he's gotta be pretty smart.)

Chick --- LaLa-Ru (Ah, Lala-Ru, now this is definitely a chick. You never know what this girl is thinking and she'll be damned if she's going to tell you. You can be mean to her and she'll just turn her head and stare into the middle distance. If you're nice to her she just stares at you seemingly asking you why the hell you wasted your time. Lala-Ru's shoulder can near absolute zero. When Lala-Ru eventually does say something, you best be listening, because she won't repeat it. And make sure you have your Lala-Ru decoder ring handy so you can figure out what she's REALLY trying to say. Lala-Ru truly embodies the enigma that is 'chick.')

The teams look fairly even to me. At first blush, you'd think any team with Cloud Strife, a transformer, and Max Sterling with his transforming Varitek fighter, would have the edge. But simply question Rodimus' leadership by saying Optimus would do things differently and Rodimus' confidence would shatter. In fact, both these teams Lancers' are placed in that position simply in hopes that they don't screw anything up.

If these team fought I think it would come down to which team would be more ruthless.
If Team A was after me, I'd definitely be crying like a baby. This is a team that could kick some serious ass and would have no qualms about killing. Max and Cloud don't have a problem with killing if its warranted. Neither does Princess Mononoke, as long as doesn't involve killing animals or trees. Rodimus isn't big on killing, but just tell him that Optimus would do it and he'd go along with anything. And don't underestimate the depths Papa Smurf would go to to ensure peace among his people. If keeping things in order meant killing a few people, he'd do it.

Team B are the goody two shoes. While Sailor Moon kills monsters, I think she'd be a bit queasy about killing humans. Robin has inherited a no killing policy from Batman, Lion-O ain't no murderer, and we all no Vash's peace-nik views. In fact, I think the entire team would spend a lot of energy trying to prevent Lala-Ru from drowning half the population.

So if it came down to a straight up fight, I think Team A has it.

2. Gender-swap 2 (Vash), 8 (Robin) & 10 (Lala-Ru). Which character would have the most change in their story arc? Which the least? Would any of these characters have to have a complete personality change to be believable as the opposite sex?

The most change would probably be Lala-Ru. I mean, while they kept the relationship between Lala-Ru and Shu completely platonic, you would have to wonder if Shu would go to all this trouble for some dude. Maybe. But a guy can handle getting the cold shoulder from a woman, but what if it was some guy treating Shu like Lala-Ru did? You'd have to think it would end up in a fist fight, no matter how good natured Shu is.

A female Vash I could see. Why can't a female kick ass without killing? Sure, a female Vash's constant flirting and love story would be a bit more...lesbianic...but that makes it all the more awesome.

I can't see Dick Grayson being a female changing many things either. I mean, look at him. He's an effeminate boy in tights. Put a little rouge on him and tuck his sack back and he's already a female. I suppose the perceived homosexual overtones that offended the masses in the 1950s would be replaced with strictly heterosexual pedophilia overtones. That would probably be an easier pill for society to swallow.
When Robin grew up he went out on his own and became Night Wing. Which could happen if he was female but she'd probably have a different name since female heroes seem to love alerting the world to the fact that they're female. She'd probably be named Night Angel, or Dark Misstress, or the C-Cup Avenger, or something to that effect. But really, why deal in hypotheticals? There already was a female Robin. We all know how that turned out...

Uhhhh....well...let's move on...

3. Compare the matchups of 1 (Cloud) & 8 (Robin) and 5(Max Sterling) & 9 (Rodimus Prime). (Ignore canon sexual preferences for the moment.) Which couple would be more compatible? Which couple would be more plausible to people from either principal's home culture?

I don't think it could really work out between Cloud and Robin. I mean, you can ask Cloud what his name is and he'll start to panic. He'll wonder if Cloud really is his real name? Are his memories his own? Perhaps he's a clone and all his memories are a lie? Perhaps he only thinks he's strong but he's actually still weak? Who could ever love a weakling like him? You get the picture.
As far as Robin is concerned, you know those late nights when Bruce Wayne would stumble down the hall reeking of cheep booze pounding on Dick's bedroom door demanding to teach him the way the world really works have probably left him with some deep emotional scarring. I just don't think these two guys would be mentally capable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship with each other. But the sex would be bitchin'. If you were into know...cause I'm not...unless you are.

In what could be seen as a giant coincidence or divine fate, Rodimus Prime ended up in exactly the same position as Optimus Prime did for Teebore. Which begs the question again, we can ignore ‘canon sexual preferences’ for a moment, but what about simple biology? Would Max Sterling knock boots with a giant robot? I think we all know the answer to this is unequivocally YES! I think Max making it with a giant robot would probably be the highlight of his life. Greater than marrying his alien wife and greater than the birth his half alien children. Getting to mate with something as technology advanced as Rodimus Prime would be Max Sterling's holy grail.
Now you may ask if Rodimus would be willing to get with Max? You all see it coming, right? All Max would have to do is tell Rodimus that Optimus would go for it and Rodimus is puddy in Max's hands.

4. Your team is 3(Papa Smurf), 4(Lion-O) & 9(Rodimus Prime). The mission consists of a social challenge, a mental challenge and a physical challenge. Which team member do you assign to each challenge?

Social: Definitely Papa Smurf. I mean, you've heard what I said about his leadership abilities. And he's practically a SOCIAList. It's in the name.

Mental: By default this goes to Lion-O. I recall he had to undergo some trials for his 24th birthday or something. And I think he had to do a mental challenge. If I remember correctly, he did alright.

Physical: Despite Rodimus Prime's numerous shortcomings, he's still a giant freakin' robot. He can handle a physical challenge featuring Marc Summers. Just don't mention the O-word around Rodimus. But, unlike Optimus, the Social and Mental challenges would probably prove to be too much.

5. 7 (Princess Monoke) becomes 1's (Cloud Strife) boss for a week in some plausible fashion. How's their working relationship?

Cloud's not much for taking orders, but he's usually more receptive to it if it's from a female in hopes that he could get into her pants. So I think it would work out. I mean, Cloud seemed to have no problem being an environmental terrorist against the evil Shinra corporation that was raping the world of precious Mako Energy. He'd probably agree to do whatever morally ambiguous, environmentally friendly task Princess Mononoke would send him on.

6. 2 (Vash) finds him/her/itself inserted into 6's (Sailor Moon) continuity. As far as anyone other than 2 or 6 is concerned, they've always been there. What role would 2 be presumed to have had in 6's story, and could they fit in without going wonky?

Well, I figure Vash would be the owner of a donut shop in Tokyo. Sailor Moon would of course down about a billion donuts in a sitting and then complain about being fat while not showing any actual weight gain. Meanwhile, Vash would hit on all the Sailor Scouts, even Sailor Mercury, making her feel more secure in her breast size.
I figure at some point some magical meanie would infiltrate the donut shop and curse the donuts so that the hunger of the children who eat the pastries would be transformed into dark energy that would power a crystal designed to destroy all joy and make-up in the world.
Or something.
After discovering this evil plot, Vash would team up with the Sailor Scouts to take out the meanie. While the Sailor Scouts wasted time announcing their attacks before actually attacking, Vash would merely fight the monster.
There'd be a lot of destruction and Tokyo Tower would probably go crashing down but Vash would make sure their were no fatalities. In the end, Vash would ricochet a bullet of a light post, off the pavement, and hit the magical monster in the back of the leg immobilizing it.
At this point the five Sailor Scouts would show up and all prepare their special attack du jour and try to take out the monster once and for all. Then Vash would dash out in front of the monster and take the full brunt of the Sailor Scouts' attacks.
Vash would fall to one knee as blood trickled down the corner of his mouth. He'd then give a big speech about how we have no right to take the life of anything, including monsters that want to rid the world of all joy and make-up.
Then Tuxedo Mask would appear out of no where and do what he always does. Throw a rose. Luckily, a rose tossed by Tuxedo Mask can pretty much do whatever is needed at that time. So in this case it would send Vash into complete paralysis giving the Sailor Scouts the opportunity to dust the monster. After watching the monster die right before his eyes, Vash would sulk for weeks.

7. 3 (Papa Smurf) and 5 (Max Sterling) get three wishes. The catch is that they have to agree on all three wishes before they get the benefits of any of them. What three wishes would they make?

1. I think they would first agree to universal peace. Max would like no more interstellar wars and I'm sure Papa Smurf would rather not have Gargamel trying to eat his entire village.
2. Next would be the ability for inter-species mating to work out. I mean, Papa Smurf knows the complications it would cause in his village if he got with Smurfette, so he has to look outside his own species. And Max wants to marry an alien...and most probably wants to do a giant robot too.
3. To have Blue by Eiffel 65 be declared the greatest song in the history of history and have radio stations all over the universe play nothing but that song. Max has got blue hair and Papa Smurf is, well, a smurf.

8. 1 (Cloud) and 2 (Vash) are brainwashed by a one-time artifact that works even on people immune to mind control to attack and kill 4 (Lion-O). They keep their normal personality, skills and competence level, except any Code vs. Killing has been turned off. Can 4 (Link) survive? How?

It's tough to think of a more formidable combo than Cloud and Vash. Especially if Vash has no pacifism code to enforce. I mean, Lion-O's powerful with the Sword of Omens and the Eye of Thundara. But Cloud can create giant meteors that will crash into the Earth, or summon giant Arthurian Knights to do his bidding, or simply do an Omnislash in which he slices you up like 255 times with his giant badass sword. Those are some powerful moves.
Lion-O could take Cloud out of the equation by asking him if Aeris had an itch on her back only Sephiroth could scratch. This would cause Cloud to crawl under a rock and suck his thumb.
But even with Cloud out of the equation, Lion-O would still have to deal with Vash the Stampede. Who, with no moral code inhibiting him, could simply turn his arm into a giant cannon and blow open a crater 10 miles wide where Lion-O was standing. Sorry Lion-O, I don't like your chances.

9. 6 (Sailor Moon), 7 (Princess Monoke), 9 (Rodimus Prime) & 10 (Lala Ru) must help an orphanage full of small and depressed children have a merry Christmas. Who does what, knowing that at the very least the kids will be expecting a visit from Santa?

I'm going to have to be honest. The orphanage is screwed.
First of all, Princess Monooke was an orphan herself and she was raised by giant wolves. She never got presents from Santa. I wouldn't expect much pity from her. And as soon as she saw one of the kids throw a plastic bottle into the garbage instead of the recycling bin she'd wash her hands of the whole affair.
Lala-Ru wouldn't be much better. She'd find the childrens' depression pitiful. What do these kids know of suffering? Lala-Ru has suffered through millenia of watching people waste the precious natural resource she provides time and time again. The kids would be lucky that she doesn't just drown their asses.
Rodimus Prime would probably try to make the kids happy by dressing up as Santa Claus. Of course upon donning the garb Rodimus would feel the pressure of following in the lofty footsteps of the original Santa Claus. The burden would prove too much for Rodimus to bare and he'd simply cower in a corner.
This would leave Sailor Moon to do the job. She may decide to cook for the orphans. The orphans would simply have to pray that she doesn't burn down the entire orphanage in the process. Of course, the orphans might actually prefer that to having to eat her food. One taste of her overcooked sweet buns and the kids would be longing for the gruel made out of the ground bones of their fallen, syphillus layden brethren which they normally eat for dinner.
The kids would maybe rather Sailor Moon just go out and buy them presents. She of course would buy them at the newest, hottest toy store in all of Tokyo. This toy store is of course run by some monster in disguise who put a curse on the toys. When the kids open the toys on Christmas morning their hearts would be stolen for some nefarious plot to steal all love from the world. Sailor Moon would defeat the monster (with the help of Tuxedo Mask, of course) but would then completely forget that the Orphans would enjoy some non-cursed toys.
But all of this may actually teach kids the true meaning of Christmas when, after the holiday season, they're simply happy to be alive.

10. 3 (Papa Smurf) and 8 (Robin) are challenged to circumnavigate the Earth in eighty days or less, using only forms of transportation invented before 1900. Can they do it, or will they be fatally distracted by sidequests or their own personality conflicts?

I dunno, without his utility belt and other various bat gadgets Robin would be pretty lost. But one step by Robin is equivelent to, like, 300 steps by Papa Smurf. That's a nice advantage. And you'd think Gargamel would be hot on Papa Smurf's heals trying to make him into a stew.
I think Robin could hitch a ride across most of the oceans. His purdy mouth and the way he fills out his tights would probably endere himself to the sailors spending long months out at sea. So I suppose my money's on Robin.

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