The ABCs of Awesome

I cribbed this meme from Michael May's Adventureblog.

Comic Book Movies Meme

So here's another meme that's been circulating (I forget the exact source of this one) that basically involves taking the list of the highest-grossing comic book movies (according to BoxOfficeMojo.com, I believe), noting the ones you've seen and commenting as you see fit. What the hell, right?

The ones I've seen are in bold.

01. The Dark Knight (2008)
02. Spider-Man (2002)
03. Spider-Man 2 (2004): This is my favorite of the Spider-Man films.
04. Spider-Man 3 (2007): There are parts of two movies in this one, that given room to breathe, could have been two very good movies. Instead, we got one okay movie with a few good parts to it.
05. Iron Man (2008)
06. Batman (1989): Damn it Alfred, don't let Vicki Vale into the Batcave!
07. Men In Black (1997)
08. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006): Lame Cyclops death aside, there really are a lot of cool and fun parts to this movie, that put together differently, might have been, you know, a good movie.
09. X2: X-Men United (2003): Easily my favorite of the X-Men movies even if Cyclops disappears for 2/3 of it.
10. 300 (2007)
11. Batman Begins (2005)
12. Superman Returns (2006): Kevin Spacey is the perfect Luthor on paper, but he infuses far too much of Gene Hackman's silliness to the role on screen. Also, this movie should have restarted the character fresh (a la Batman Begins) instead of slavishly adhering to a continuity that isn't all that great to begin with (the Christopher Reeves films).
13. Men in Black II (2002): Where the first movie was kinda fun, this one is just dull and repetitive.
14. Batman Forever (1995)
15. Batman Returns (1992): Still my favorite of the "original" Batman films..."Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?" Oh Christopher Walken, you crack me up.
16. X-Men (2000): I still remember the awe of seeing a live action X-Men film the first time I saw this; it holds up pretty well today, even if it is a bit light on the action.
17. Fantastic Four (2005)I had such low expectations for this that I ended up liking it more than I probably should have, terrible, terrible, wasted Dr. Doom aside...
18. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990): To this day, I have seen no movie in a theater more times than I saw this one: fourteen.
19. Superman (1978): You will believe a man can be suspended by wires in an attempt to simulate human flight.
20. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
21. Wanted (2008)
22. Hulk (2003)
23. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007): Again, take Dr. Doom out of the picture and this is a halfway decent flick. Lowered expectations also played a part in making me accept a Galactus that wasn't wearing a purple miniskirt.
24. The Mask (1994): I was fourteen when this movie came out and I absolutely loved Cameron Diaz's boobs in it.
25. Ghost Rider (2007)
26. Superman II (1981): Easily the best of the Reeve's Superman films, but still not without its problems. Maybe I'm just a few years too young to really "get" what everyone seems to love about these movies, especially the first two. They don't do much for me, and seem unnecessarily silly and really stiff for all the praise that's lauded on them.
27. Batman and Robin (1997)
28. Road to Perdition (2002)
29. Dick Tracy (1990): Man, I loved this movie when I was kid. Still do; it's a lot of fun, packed w/neat little cameos (Mandy Pantinkin, Dick Van Dyke).
30. Daredevil (2003)
31. Casper (1995)
32. Blade II (2002)
33. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991): Needless to say, I ate this up as a kid. It hasn't aged as well as the first one...
34. Constantine (2005): Mrs. Teebore really likes this. It's okay, as long as you accept it shares nothing in common with the character it's adapting, and view it on its own merits.
35. Sin City (2005)
36. Hellboy II: Curse of the Golden Army (2008)
37. V for Vendetta (2006): I haven't read the source material but I really enjoyed this. I find it eminently re-watchable.
38. Blade (1998)
39. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003): What a travesty of a film. So much potential wasted. Still, I really like the idea of Tom Sawyer growing up to be spy and serving as the American liaison to the League, though I imagine Alan Moore is bewitching me as I type for thinking as much...
40. Superman III (1983)
41. Hellboy (2004)
42. Annie (1982)
43. Spawn (1997): Generally speaking, I have a tendency to like, at least on some level, most movies I see in a theater. Some people *cough* Dr. Bitz *cough* like to give me a hard time about this, from time to time. Well, this tendency was even worse when I was younger. I liked almost every piece of crap I saw when I was kid. But I didn't like this.
44. TMNT (2007): A pleasant surprise, with lots of energy, and lots of fun. That Leo/Raphael fight is pretty bitchin' all on its own.
45. Blade: Trinity (2004)
46. Dennis the Menace (1993)
47. The Crow (1994)
48. Popeye (1980)
49. The Rocketeer (1991): I loved this movie as a kid and continue to love it to this day.
50. Timecop (1994): This was a comic book? What a crappy movie.
51. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time (1993): Even as a kid, I knew this was the lesser installment in the franchise. And I liked the movie with Vanilla Ice rapping...
52. Catwoman (2004): The only reason I saw this movie was because I had a free ticket for it. It was not worth it.
53. 30 Days of Night (2007)
54. Richie Rich (1994)
55. Judge Dredd (1995)
56. The Punisher (2004): A fairly spot-on adaptation of elements of Garth Ennis's early Punisher work, though I could have done without Travolta and with a little more guns a-blazing. All in all, it's fun enough to watch.
57. The Shadow (1994): Another movie I knew sucked even when I was a kid.
58. From Hell (2001): I've never read the source material; apart from that, I thought this was an enjoyable enough murder mystery/serial killer movie.
59. A History of Violence (2005): Ask Dr. Bitz about this one sometime.
60. Mystery Men (1999): I saw this once then promptly forgot about it.
61. Flash Gordon (1980)
62. Elektra (2005)
63. Bulletproof Monk (2003)
64. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (1979)
65. The Crow: City of Angels (1996): Ah, the first of many crappy and wholly unnecessary Crow sequels. Thankfully, I stopped watching them after this one. Unfortunately, I saw this one.
66. The Phantom (1996)
67. Howard the Duck (1986): Despite admittedly worshiping at the altar of Lucas, I've managed to avoid this reputed stinker.
68. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
69. Supergirl (1984)
70. Josie and the Pussycats (2001)
71. Virus (1999)
72. Ghost World (2001)
73. American Splendor (2003)
74. Sheena (1984)
75. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993): It may not be the best Batman movie anymore (then again, it might) but either way, its still damn good.
76. Tank Girl (1995)
77. Barb Wire (1996)
78. Steel (1997)
79. Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland (1992)
80. Brenda Star (1992)

The "50 Things I Love About Comics" Meme

John Seavey recently posted this meme on his blog. Here's my list of 50 things I love about comics (in no particular order):

1. The X-Men
2. Cyclops
3. Stan Lee



4. Grant Morrison's "Batgod" Batman


5. Fables
6. The basic concept of the Green Lanterns: space cops with magic rings
7. Primates with super powers



8. The Legion of Super Pets



9. Digging through quarter bins at conventions
10. The smell of old comics
11. Covers with dialogue on them
12. Lex Luthor's 1980s, George Pereze-designed battle suit



13. Dr. Doom speaking in the third person
14. John Romita Jr.
15. Chris Claremont's Magneto
16. Uncanny X-Men #175
17. Steve Englehart's crazy time traveling Kang stories
18. "I know your secret."
19. Silver Age Jimmy Olsen stories



20. The Justice League
21. The Avengers
22. The crappy paper on which comics used to be printed before the glossy stuff used today, so comics felt like books instead of magazines.
23. Darkseid



24. Thanos



25. Fin Fang Foom



26. Noble Causes
27. "With great power comes great responsibility."
28. Stan Lee's memory-saving alliterative character names
29. Thor's Shakespearean speech patterns
30. Jack Kirby
31. Bernard the Poet
32. Uncanny X-Men #190 and #191



33. DC's Showcase Presents and Marvel's Essential collections
34. Kingdome Come
35. Marvels



36. The Watcher, especially the fact that he's sworn to observe and never interfere, but he interferes every damn time.



37. Subplots
38. "My ward is a junkie!"



39. Claremontisms, especially: I’m the best there is at what I do” “The focused totality of my telepathic power” “No quarter asked, none given” and “I'm nigh invulnerable when I'm blastin’!”
40. Cable's convoluted history
41. DC's legacy characters
42. The women of the Hellfire Club



43. The idea that superhero comics are a modern mythology
44. Continuity
45. Pouring through my longboxes for hours on end, organizing my collection
46. "Ultron. We would have words with thee."



47. The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe



48. "To Be Continued."
49. Footnotes: I've read countless comics I never would have otherise because of them.
50. The letters page, a great way to end a comic: the story is over, but I'm not quite ready to move on to the next one.

1.

"3 Questions About Comics and You" Meme

Here's another little meme that's been circulating around recently. I invite my fellow Gentlemen to answer as well, if they are so inclined.

What was the first comic you remember reading?

New Defenders 129, in which the New Defenders battle Professor X and the New Mutants (who were actually just mental illusions cast by the slightly whacky New Defender Moondragon.

I have no idea how this issue of a B-List (at best) comic that I had never heard of at the time came into my possession; it just showed up in the house one day. I remember reading it and having no clue who the New Defenders were (except for Iceman, due to his role as one of Spidey’s Amazing Friends) or who the New Mutants were (but I did know Professor X, thanks to the cartoons of the era).

I do recall that Moondragon made a pre-teen Teebore feel kinda funny, like when you slide down the rope in gym class…

What was the first comic that made you realize that you might be in this for the long haul?

X-Men #8 and Uncanny X-Men #289, the two issues on the stand when the baseball-cards-to –comic-book-cards transition inevitably led me to comic books themselves. I have no recollection why I picked up two X-Men books with which to test the waters, but I did, and had no freaking clue what was going. Rather than be turned off by the dense and seemingly impenetrable continuity contained therein (the effect that many critics believe the similarly continuity-obsessed super hero comics of today have on new readers) I was captivated by it, and realized the door had opened on a rich and new mythology that I could learn, study and devour. From that point forward, as I did just that, I was hooked.

Also, Jim Lee’s infamous Psylocke-slowly-emerges-from-the-water bit of cheesecake art in X-Men #8 probably helped ease my confusion.

If you had to make a snap decision to take one comic or one comic run to a desert island, what would it be? Don’t think too hard!

My first instinct is to take the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe series with me, because that would be like having a whole ton of stories on hand.

Otherwise, probably X-Men 194 -137 (the Claremont/Cockrum and Claremont/Byrne runs). It's not my favorite run, but the one with enough variety to keep me interested whilst exiled.

"10 Character" Meme

OK, this is a meme, blah blah, you already read about it below. However, I did things a bit differently than Teebore. I decided to pick 25 characters (all of whom had to be different than Teebore's picks) and then had Mrs. Dr. Bitz pick 10 random numbers which would correspond to a character.

All the characters were from shows or stories that I am or at least once was interested in. My group ended up being rather eclectic...

1. Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)
2. Vash the Stampede (Trigun)
3. Papa Smurf (The Smurfs)
4. Lion-O (Thundercats)
5. Max Sterling (Robotech)
6. Sailor Moon (Sailor Moon)
7. Princess Monoke [San] (Princess Mononoke)
8. Robin [Dick Grayson] (Batman)
9. Rodimus Prime (The Transformers)
10. Lala-Ru (Now and Then, Here and There)

1. Divide the list up by even and odd. Which group of five would make a better Five Man Band (like a Power Rangers team)? Who would you slot in each position: Leader, Lancer (second-in-command), Big Guy, Smart Guy, The Chick? If you think the team would be improved by swapping one character between the even and odd groups, which ones would you switch?

Team A: Cloud Strife, Papa Smurf, Max Sterling, Princess Monoke, Rodimus Prime
Team B: Vash the Stampede, Lion-O, Sailor Moon, Robin, Lala-Ru

Team A Roster:
Leader --- Papa Smurf (Listen, you can take your Optimus Primes, your Commander Siskos, your Lion-Os, your Supermans, your Cyclops, your Professor Xs, your Ronald McDonalds, take any leader you can think of and they're nothing compared to the leadership abilities of Papa Smurf. Here's a guy who leads over a community consisting of like a hundred males and one female and he has somehow managed to keep that one female from getting raped like five times a night. Let's face it, that's nothing short of a miracle. Papa Smurf should be canonized in my eyes.)

Lancer --- Rodimus Prime (I had to put him somewhere. Basically it came down to who was stronger, Rodimus or Cloud, and I get more in depth below. But let's face it, if something happens to Papa Smurf and Rodimus becomes the leader than the team is screwed. All someone has to do is mention how much better things would be if Optimus Prime were around and Rodimus won't come out of his room for a week.)

Big Guy --- Cloud Strife (Yeah, I gotta say Cloud could take Rodimus. I mean, sure, Cloud may not be a giant robot, but he can summon the Kremlin which then turns into a giant robot. That's pretty sweet. Besides, look at that big ass sword he carries. He can put magic stones into that sword that allows him to do all sorts of magic. I'd think his lightning spells could wreak havoc on Rodimus. You could argue, especially later in the game, that Cloud would be a good leader. But he's no Papa Smurf. Besides, Cloud's emotionally fragile at best. Just ask him about his childhood and he'll probably crawl into the fetal position and bawl and babble about what number he is. It would go on like that until someone slaps him across the face and reminds him that no matter how weak he was he's a complete badass now so he best start acting like one. He probably wouldn't listen, though.)

Smart Guy --- Max Sterling (I dunno, he seems the smartest of this bunch. He's a tech head, he's the ace pilot of the United Earth Forces, and he's known throughout the universe as the deadliest Robotech pilot ever. He also seems to be the type of guy that knows something about everything.)

Chick --- Princess Mononoke (Well, she's got the XX required for this category. Although if Peter Patrelli made the list he'd totally be the chick. Princess Mononoke has many traits that I believe embody a chick. Generally, the first words any chick says to me when I first meet them is "Go away." So she's consistent in that aspect.)

Team B Roster:
Leader --- Lion-O (Lion-O's like me, he's a 12-year-old boy trapped in an adult's body. Why his suspension pod allowed his body to age while Wiley Kit and Wiley Kat still stayed kids is beyond me. Lion-O matured though, and by the end of the series he was definitely a capable leader. Even if he always had to resort to calling his friends over to help him out of a jam. Still, he's a better leader than anyone else on this team. Vash may come close, but he's too much of a loner.)

Lancer --- Sailor Moon (She could be the chick, but the way I see it, Sailor Moon is more of a "guy's chick". I mean, she loves comic books, video games, goofing off, eating junk food, and you know she's totally easy. She can get a bit annoying and she complains about being fat despite looking slightly anorexic. So I think she's best placed in the Lancer position and the team can just hope she doesn't break anything.)

Big Guy --- Vash the Stampede (Vash kicks all forms of ass. He can also take a licking but keeps on ticking. If I needed some threat neutralized then Vash would definitely be the guy on this team I'd go to. Provided, you know, it wouldn't involve any killing.)

Smart Guy --- Robin (I'm not sure what it says when the Dick Grayson Robin is the smartest guy on your team. I'm sure Batman has taught him a thing or two and probably put Robin through all sorts of grueling mental tasks. So I figure he's gotta be pretty smart.)

Chick --- LaLa-Ru (Ah, Lala-Ru, now this is definitely a chick. You never know what this girl is thinking and she'll be damned if she's going to tell you. You can be mean to her and she'll just turn her head and stare into the middle distance. If you're nice to her she just stares at you seemingly asking you why the hell you wasted your time. Lala-Ru's shoulder can near absolute zero. When Lala-Ru eventually does say something, you best be listening, because she won't repeat it. And make sure you have your Lala-Ru decoder ring handy so you can figure out what she's REALLY trying to say. Lala-Ru truly embodies the enigma that is 'chick.')

The teams look fairly even to me. At first blush, you'd think any team with Cloud Strife, a transformer, and Max Sterling with his transforming Varitek fighter, would have the edge. But simply question Rodimus' leadership by saying Optimus would do things differently and Rodimus' confidence would shatter. In fact, both these teams Lancers' are placed in that position simply in hopes that they don't screw anything up.

If these team fought I think it would come down to which team would be more ruthless.
If Team A was after me, I'd definitely be crying like a baby. This is a team that could kick some serious ass and would have no qualms about killing. Max and Cloud don't have a problem with killing if its warranted. Neither does Princess Mononoke, as long as doesn't involve killing animals or trees. Rodimus isn't big on killing, but just tell him that Optimus would do it and he'd go along with anything. And don't underestimate the depths Papa Smurf would go to to ensure peace among his people. If keeping things in order meant killing a few people, he'd do it.

Team B are the goody two shoes. While Sailor Moon kills monsters, I think she'd be a bit queasy about killing humans. Robin has inherited a no killing policy from Batman, Lion-O ain't no murderer, and we all no Vash's peace-nik views. In fact, I think the entire team would spend a lot of energy trying to prevent Lala-Ru from drowning half the population.

So if it came down to a straight up fight, I think Team A has it.

2. Gender-swap 2 (Vash), 8 (Robin) & 10 (Lala-Ru). Which character would have the most change in their story arc? Which the least? Would any of these characters have to have a complete personality change to be believable as the opposite sex?

The most change would probably be Lala-Ru. I mean, while they kept the relationship between Lala-Ru and Shu completely platonic, you would have to wonder if Shu would go to all this trouble for some dude. Maybe. But a guy can handle getting the cold shoulder from a woman, but what if it was some guy treating Shu like Lala-Ru did? You'd have to think it would end up in a fist fight, no matter how good natured Shu is.

A female Vash I could see. Why can't a female kick ass without killing? Sure, a female Vash's constant flirting and love story would be a bit more...lesbianic...but that makes it all the more awesome.

I can't see Dick Grayson being a female changing many things either. I mean, look at him. He's an effeminate boy in tights. Put a little rouge on him and tuck his sack back and he's already a female. I suppose the perceived homosexual overtones that offended the masses in the 1950s would be replaced with strictly heterosexual pedophilia overtones. That would probably be an easier pill for society to swallow.
When Robin grew up he went out on his own and became Night Wing. Which could happen if he was female but she'd probably have a different name since female heroes seem to love alerting the world to the fact that they're female. She'd probably be named Night Angel, or Dark Misstress, or the C-Cup Avenger, or something to that effect. But really, why deal in hypotheticals? There already was a female Robin. We all know how that turned out...

Uhhhh....well...let's move on...

3. Compare the matchups of 1 (Cloud) & 8 (Robin) and 5(Max Sterling) & 9 (Rodimus Prime). (Ignore canon sexual preferences for the moment.) Which couple would be more compatible? Which couple would be more plausible to people from either principal's home culture?

I don't think it could really work out between Cloud and Robin. I mean, you can ask Cloud what his name is and he'll start to panic. He'll wonder if Cloud really is his real name? Are his memories his own? Perhaps he's a clone and all his memories are a lie? Perhaps he only thinks he's strong but he's actually still weak? Who could ever love a weakling like him? You get the picture.
As far as Robin is concerned, you know those late nights when Bruce Wayne would stumble down the hall reeking of cheep booze pounding on Dick's bedroom door demanding to teach him the way the world really works have probably left him with some deep emotional scarring. I just don't think these two guys would be mentally capable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship with each other. But the sex would be bitchin'. If you were into that...you know...cause I'm not...unless you are.

In what could be seen as a giant coincidence or divine fate, Rodimus Prime ended up in exactly the same position as Optimus Prime did for Teebore. Which begs the question again, we can ignore ‘canon sexual preferences’ for a moment, but what about simple biology? Would Max Sterling knock boots with a giant robot? I think we all know the answer to this is unequivocally YES! I think Max making it with a giant robot would probably be the highlight of his life. Greater than marrying his alien wife and greater than the birth his half alien children. Getting to mate with something as technology advanced as Rodimus Prime would be Max Sterling's holy grail.
Now you may ask if Rodimus would be willing to get with Max? You all see it coming, right? All Max would have to do is tell Rodimus that Optimus would go for it and Rodimus is puddy in Max's hands.

4. Your team is 3(Papa Smurf), 4(Lion-O) & 9(Rodimus Prime). The mission consists of a social challenge, a mental challenge and a physical challenge. Which team member do you assign to each challenge?

Social: Definitely Papa Smurf. I mean, you've heard what I said about his leadership abilities. And he's practically a SOCIAList. It's in the name.

Mental: By default this goes to Lion-O. I recall he had to undergo some trials for his 24th birthday or something. And I think he had to do a mental challenge. If I remember correctly, he did alright.

Physical: Despite Rodimus Prime's numerous shortcomings, he's still a giant freakin' robot. He can handle a physical challenge featuring Marc Summers. Just don't mention the O-word around Rodimus. But, unlike Optimus, the Social and Mental challenges would probably prove to be too much.

5. 7 (Princess Monoke) becomes 1's (Cloud Strife) boss for a week in some plausible fashion. How's their working relationship?

Cloud's not much for taking orders, but he's usually more receptive to it if it's from a female in hopes that he could get into her pants. So I think it would work out. I mean, Cloud seemed to have no problem being an environmental terrorist against the evil Shinra corporation that was raping the world of precious Mako Energy. He'd probably agree to do whatever morally ambiguous, environmentally friendly task Princess Mononoke would send him on.

6. 2 (Vash) finds him/her/itself inserted into 6's (Sailor Moon) continuity. As far as anyone other than 2 or 6 is concerned, they've always been there. What role would 2 be presumed to have had in 6's story, and could they fit in without going wonky?

Well, I figure Vash would be the owner of a donut shop in Tokyo. Sailor Moon would of course down about a billion donuts in a sitting and then complain about being fat while not showing any actual weight gain. Meanwhile, Vash would hit on all the Sailor Scouts, even Sailor Mercury, making her feel more secure in her breast size.
I figure at some point some magical meanie would infiltrate the donut shop and curse the donuts so that the hunger of the children who eat the pastries would be transformed into dark energy that would power a crystal designed to destroy all joy and make-up in the world.
Or something.
After discovering this evil plot, Vash would team up with the Sailor Scouts to take out the meanie. While the Sailor Scouts wasted time announcing their attacks before actually attacking, Vash would merely fight the monster.
There'd be a lot of destruction and Tokyo Tower would probably go crashing down but Vash would make sure their were no fatalities. In the end, Vash would ricochet a bullet of a light post, off the pavement, and hit the magical monster in the back of the leg immobilizing it.
At this point the five Sailor Scouts would show up and all prepare their special attack du jour and try to take out the monster once and for all. Then Vash would dash out in front of the monster and take the full brunt of the Sailor Scouts' attacks.
Vash would fall to one knee as blood trickled down the corner of his mouth. He'd then give a big speech about how we have no right to take the life of anything, including monsters that want to rid the world of all joy and make-up.
Then Tuxedo Mask would appear out of no where and do what he always does. Throw a rose. Luckily, a rose tossed by Tuxedo Mask can pretty much do whatever is needed at that time. So in this case it would send Vash into complete paralysis giving the Sailor Scouts the opportunity to dust the monster. After watching the monster die right before his eyes, Vash would sulk for weeks.

7. 3 (Papa Smurf) and 5 (Max Sterling) get three wishes. The catch is that they have to agree on all three wishes before they get the benefits of any of them. What three wishes would they make?

1. I think they would first agree to universal peace. Max would like no more interstellar wars and I'm sure Papa Smurf would rather not have Gargamel trying to eat his entire village.
2. Next would be the ability for inter-species mating to work out. I mean, Papa Smurf knows the complications it would cause in his village if he got with Smurfette, so he has to look outside his own species. And Max wants to marry an alien...and most probably wants to do a giant robot too.
3. To have Blue by Eiffel 65 be declared the greatest song in the history of history and have radio stations all over the universe play nothing but that song. Max has got blue hair and Papa Smurf is, well, a smurf.

8. 1 (Cloud) and 2 (Vash) are brainwashed by a one-time artifact that works even on people immune to mind control to attack and kill 4 (Lion-O). They keep their normal personality, skills and competence level, except any Code vs. Killing has been turned off. Can 4 (Link) survive? How?

It's tough to think of a more formidable combo than Cloud and Vash. Especially if Vash has no pacifism code to enforce. I mean, Lion-O's powerful with the Sword of Omens and the Eye of Thundara. But Cloud can create giant meteors that will crash into the Earth, or summon giant Arthurian Knights to do his bidding, or simply do an Omnislash in which he slices you up like 255 times with his giant badass sword. Those are some powerful moves.
Lion-O could take Cloud out of the equation by asking him if Aeris had an itch on her back only Sephiroth could scratch. This would cause Cloud to crawl under a rock and suck his thumb.
But even with Cloud out of the equation, Lion-O would still have to deal with Vash the Stampede. Who, with no moral code inhibiting him, could simply turn his arm into a giant cannon and blow open a crater 10 miles wide where Lion-O was standing. Sorry Lion-O, I don't like your chances.

9. 6 (Sailor Moon), 7 (Princess Monoke), 9 (Rodimus Prime) & 10 (Lala Ru) must help an orphanage full of small and depressed children have a merry Christmas. Who does what, knowing that at the very least the kids will be expecting a visit from Santa?

I'm going to have to be honest. The orphanage is screwed.
First of all, Princess Monooke was an orphan herself and she was raised by giant wolves. She never got presents from Santa. I wouldn't expect much pity from her. And as soon as she saw one of the kids throw a plastic bottle into the garbage instead of the recycling bin she'd wash her hands of the whole affair.
Lala-Ru wouldn't be much better. She'd find the childrens' depression pitiful. What do these kids know of suffering? Lala-Ru has suffered through millenia of watching people waste the precious natural resource she provides time and time again. The kids would be lucky that she doesn't just drown their asses.
Rodimus Prime would probably try to make the kids happy by dressing up as Santa Claus. Of course upon donning the garb Rodimus would feel the pressure of following in the lofty footsteps of the original Santa Claus. The burden would prove too much for Rodimus to bare and he'd simply cower in a corner.
This would leave Sailor Moon to do the job. She may decide to cook for the orphans. The orphans would simply have to pray that she doesn't burn down the entire orphanage in the process. Of course, the orphans might actually prefer that to having to eat her food. One taste of her overcooked sweet buns and the kids would be longing for the gruel made out of the ground bones of their fallen, syphillus layden brethren which they normally eat for dinner.
The kids would maybe rather Sailor Moon just go out and buy them presents. She of course would buy them at the newest, hottest toy store in all of Tokyo. This toy store is of course run by some monster in disguise who put a curse on the toys. When the kids open the toys on Christmas morning their hearts would be stolen for some nefarious plot to steal all love from the world. Sailor Moon would defeat the monster (with the help of Tuxedo Mask, of course) but would then completely forget that the Orphans would enjoy some non-cursed toys.
But all of this may actually teach kids the true meaning of Christmas when, after the holiday season, they're simply happy to be alive.

10. 3 (Papa Smurf) and 8 (Robin) are challenged to circumnavigate the Earth in eighty days or less, using only forms of transportation invented before 1900. Can they do it, or will they be fatally distracted by sidequests or their own personality conflicts?

I dunno, without his utility belt and other various bat gadgets Robin would be pretty lost. But one step by Robin is equivelent to, like, 300 steps by Papa Smurf. That's a nice advantage. And you'd think Gargamel would be hot on Papa Smurf's heals trying to make him into a stew.
I think Robin could hitch a ride across most of the oceans. His purdy mouth and the way he fills out his tights would probably endere himself to the sailors spending long months out at sea. So I suppose my money's on Robin.

"10 Character" Meme

There's this meme that's been circulating through some of the blogs that I frequent, and while I haven't officially been tagged, it looked like fun. So I thought I'd give it a try, and challenge Dr. Bitz to try his hand at it as well.

First, select your ten fictional characters (from any medium) by whichever method you like best. Then answer the questions below.
1. Cyclops (Marvel Comics)
2. Captain Benjamin Sisko (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)
3. Luke Skywalker
4. Link (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
5. Indiana Jones
6. Sherlock Holmes
7. Willow Rosenberg (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
8. She-Ra (She-Ra: Princess of Power)
9. Optimus Prime
10. Noah “HRG” Bennet (Heroes)

1. Divide the list up by even and odd. Which group of five would make a better Five Man Band (like a Power Rangers team)? Who would you slot in each position: Leader, Lancer (second-in-command), Big Guy, Smart Guy, The Chick? If you think the team would be improved by swapping one character between the even and odd groups, which ones would you switch?

Team A: Cyclops, Luke, Indiana Jones, Willow, Optimus Prime
Team B: Cpt. Sisko, Link, Sherlock Holmes, She-Ra, Bennet

Team A Roster:
Leader --- Cyclops
Lancer --- Optimus Prime (yes, I am saying both that Luke is more powerful than Optimus Prime, and that Cyclops is a better leader. Deal with it.)
Big Guy ---Luke Skywalker
Smart Guy ---Indiana Jones
Chick ---Willow (really don’t like this category. Just “chick”? Not tough chick, or crafty chick, or just a fifth non gender-specific category so the “chick” could go any place?)

Team B Roster:
Leader --- Captain Sisko
Lancer --- Bennet
Big Guy ---Link (not so much big as good with a sword, arrows, flute, etc. She-Ra can help make up for his lack of power, since as a chick, she apparently has little else to do but be a “chick”)
Smart Guy ---Sherlock Holmes
Chick ---She-Ra

Seems pretty evenly matched, all told. She-Ra makes up for Link’s lack of raw power, but Team A probably has more balanced power and better long range attack capabilites, between Cyclops’ blasts, Luke’s Jedi skills, Willow’s magic, and Optimus Prime being a big freakin’ robot. Plus, he can double as the group’s transportation.

But team B is definitely the smarter, sneakier team. Holmes trumps Indy in that department, and Sisko is definitely more of a crafty “gray area” leader than Boy Scout Cyclops. Toss Bennet in the mix and it’s surely the “black ops”, down and dirty, always has a back-up plan team.

2. Gender-swap 2 (Sisko), 8 (She-Ra) & 10 (Bennet). Which character would have the most change in their story arc? Which the least? Would any of these characters have to have a complete personality change to be believable as the opposite sex?

The most changed would probably Bennet, as he would no longer be a father protecting his daughter, but a mother. Now, that may not be a huge change (and really, not a lot different from Niki’s bit on the show) but it would subtly change the dynamic of the relationship and the way he goes about protecting his daughter, I think.

A female Sisko? Big whoop; a hard-assed female captain isn’t all that different from a hard-assed male one in the Star Trek universe.

And a male She-Ra? That’s called He-Man.

3. Compare the matchups of 1 (Cyclops) & 8 (She-Ra) and 5(Indiana Jones) & 9 Optimus Prime). (Ignore canon sexual preferences for the moment.) Which couple would be more compatible? Which couple would be more plausible to people from either principal's home culture?

Cyclops and She-Ra would probably be a good match up. Scott’s always had a thing for the tough, strong redheads (when he’s not ditching them for other tough, strong redheads or icy blonde headmistresses, of course) so in She-Ra he’d have a likeable combination in the tough, strong blonde. He would certainly be sympathetic towards her mission of overthrowing the oppressors of her people. She-Ra certainly appreciates Scott’s leadership and tactical skills.

The biggest downfall, of course, would be Cyclops’ incessant whining about how he can’t possibly love a woman when he’s cursed with the uncontrollable power of his optic blasts. But he’s gotten better about that lately. And She-Ra’s invulnerability might help shut him too.

Indiana Jones and Optimus Prime? Look, I can ignore ‘canon sexual preferences’ for a moment, but I have a harder time ignoring simple biology. Would Indy make it with a truck if such a thing was possible? Well, if it was a hot and sassy truck, probably. But Optimus isn’t sassy. So no dice.

4. Your team is 3(Luke Skywalker), 4(Link) & 9(Optimus Prime). The mission consists of a social challenge, a mental challenge and a physical challenge. Which team member do you assign to each challenge?

Social: Luke, assuming it’s post-Return of the Jedi, Jedi Master Luke, who has lots of experience running a Jedi Order and navigating tricky post-war (and war, and post-war again) politics. If it’s the damn whiny-ass Luke from New Hope, we’re all boned. Get the kid some power converters already!

Mental: Link. Dude solves puzzles and finds hidden stuff in almost all his adventures as is. He’ll do fine. As long as the challenge isn’t figuring out his own complicated continuity.

Physical: He’s a big robot that becomes a truck. It screams “physical” (although really, Optimus could probably ace all these challenges himself-he’s just that cool).

5. 7 (Willow) becomes 1's (Cyclops) boss for a week in some plausible fashion. How's their working relationship?

Heh.

Three words: Hot. Powerful. Redhead. She’s already his boss, whether she knows it or not.
Cyclops is a man accustomed to giving orders, not taking them. Unless those orders come from:
A. Professor X
B. A hot, powerful redhead.

6. 2 (Captan Sisko) finds him/her/itself inserted into 6's (Holmes) continuity. As far as anyone other than 2 or 6 is concerned, they've always been there. What role would 2 be presumed to have had in 6's story, and could they fit in without going wonky?

Well, I could see Sisko as the captain of a Victorian-era sailing or exploration ship, maybe an old friend of Holmes or someone he goes to for help or advice, who shares Holmes’s wider worldview-certainly not one of the hapless characters that so often set Holmes off on his investigations.

7. 3 (Luke) and 5 (Indy) get three wishes. The catch is that they have to agree on all three wishes before they get the benefits of any of them. What three wishes would they make?

1. Knowledge of the past: For Luke, this would mean the history of the Jedi before him,for Indy,definitive answers regarding earth’s past civilizations.
2. Time for love: They’re busy guys, and as Short Round so aptly pointed out, “there’s no time for love, Dr. Jones.” I think both of them would love some down time for lovin’.
3. Man, I got nothing. World Peace? How about world peace...

8. 1 (Cyclops) and 2 (Sisko) are brainwashed by a one-time artifact that works even on people immune to mind control to attack and kill 4 (Link). They keep their normal personality, skills and competence level, except any Code vs. Killing has been turned off. Can 4 (Link) survive? How?

Link probably has at least one crystal (if not a whole suit of crystal armor or something) in his pouch that can mirror the effect of Ruby Quartz and thereby completely null Cyclops’ blast. Then it’s just one little pissed off dude with a freakin’ armory in his pocket against two regular guys.

But those regular guys are not accustomed to losing and are pretty good at developing tactics and strategies. It would be a dirty fight, and a long one, possibly lasting years as they work systematically to wear down and eliminate Link’s arsenal and resolve. But ultimately I think the tactics and strategies of Cyclops and Sisko would win out over the skill and resources of Link.

9. 6 (Holmes), 7 (Willow), 9 (Optimus) & 10 (Bennet) must help an orphanage full of small and depressed children have a merry Christmas. Who does what, knowing that at the very least the kids will be expecting a visit from Santa?

Bennet spends weeks carefully profiling all the orphans, building extensive case files determining what presents they most want. Then he and Optimus Prime begin acquiring the gifts.

When Bennet arrives at the orphanage, Willow casts a spell so that he appears to all the kids as Santa.

Holmes, meanwhile, has filled the orphanage will all kinds of ancillary evidence of Santa’s visit, so that long after they are gone and the spell wears off, the kids will still believe Santa was there: boot prints indicative of a grossly overweight man, reindeer droppings, half eaten cookies, bits of red fabric and a jingle bell or two.

10. 3 (Luke) and 8 (She-Ra) are challenged to circumnavigate the Earth in eighty days or less, using only forms of transportation invented before 1900. Can they do it, or will they be fatally distracted by sidequests or their own personality conflicts?

Does She-Ra’s flying horse count as “invented before 1900”? Pegasus, another flying horse, was around during Ancient Greece. And technically, Luke comes from a “long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” so maybe they could use his X-Wing?

I have a feeling She-Ra would question the whole point of the trip, and be somewhat irritated by Luke’s Jedi, zen-like acceptance of the whole thing. But they are both determined people, and are unlikely to get too sidetracked.

Unlike, say, Indy and Link, who would never make it in 80 days, since they’d have to have an adventure every place they stopped, all in the process of reclaiming some lost artifact or weapon.