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Friday, March 9, 2012

The Teenage Heartthrob Blogfest (Dr. Bitz)

Teebore inspired me to create my own list. (You can read more about the specifics here.) I tried my best not to sound like a creepy horndog pervert. You'll be happy to know I failed on all counts. 

Christine Taylor
As seen in Hey Dude and many Ben Stiller movies post Dr. Bitz's teen years.


Well, it's a little wild and a little strange but I'd like to my home out on her range. Yeah, I watched a lot of Nickelodeon growing up but there wasn't a whole lot there to appeal to my baser instincts. (Rightfully so, I guess?) My point is, I would have held Hey Dude's sweet Melody's hand anytime. Apparently Ben Stiller agreed with young Dr. Bitz since he later ended up marrying her. I'm unsure if that helps or hurts my argument? But I am sure that you can't get a ride...if you can't hold on. Yippee kai yai yay!


Jennifer Aniston
As seen in Friends


I wasn't as into Friends as a lot of people but I did watch it a fair amount early on. But regardless of how much Friends I did or didn't watch, there's no denying that Jennifer Aniston was super hot. Seeing Rachel dress up as Princess Leia in slave garb ranks as one of my top five moments in TV. And that Rolling Stone cover? That was in my high school library. Ogling it ranks as one of my top five moments in high school. (Yeah, my high school life wasn't very exciting.) Frankly, I never understood why Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie.

Renée O'Connor
As seen in Xena: Warrior Princess


Sure, Lucy Lawless was attractive, but I was also fairly sure she produced more testosterone than I did. Frankly, any fantasies I had about Xena usually ended up with me having numerous bite marks and a ball gag in my mouth. I'm not up for that. Sweet, innocent Gabriel was more my speed. She'd be gentle with me. (The fact that I was sure she had found comfort in Xena's warm embrace on more than one occasion didn't hurt my attraction to her either.)

Sarah Michelle Gellar
As seen in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Cruel Intentions


I wasn't a very big Buffy fan in my teens. That happened later. But I did watch the soft core porn for teens known as Cruel Intentions. I found it much to my liking.

You know what else didn't hurt? I worked the concession stands at the local movie theater and for about 3 months they had a movie poster of Cruel Intentions right in front of my stand which prominently displayed about as much cleavage of Gellar's as possible. Scientists would say that I found it attractive due to some primal instinct that hearkens back to cavemen doing their cavewomen doggy style and staring at their butt cracks. I don't know if the scientists are right or not but I do know that poster was hot. (Also, there was a certain kiss in that movie which much delighted teen aged Bitz.)

Alicia Silverstone
As seen in Clueless and some Batman movie I'm still trying to forget

Alicia Silverstone was right in my wheelhouse. I had a major crush on her. She had girl-next-store charm, a nice body and pouty lips. She was perfect for revving teenage Bitz's motor. Oh, and she was pretty freakin' hot in those Aerosmith videos. In fact, I found her so attractive I watched The Crush...on purpose!

Christina Applegate
As seen in Married...with Children and Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead


Kelly Bundy = hot. And Married...with Children (ever willing to appeal to the lowest common denominator) always put her in as skimpy of outfits as possible. It was much appreciated.

Sailor Moon
As seen in Sailor Moon


When she wasn't fighting evil by moonlight she was winning my love by daylight. Yeah, she's a hot blond, but there's so much more. She's genuinely nice which is always appreciated. She's a super hero..pretty sweet. She's got some hot lesbian friends...definitely a bonus. And..well...just look at this line from her Wikipedia page:

"She spends her time eating, playing video games and reading comics."

I mean....how can I not hope for a Cool World moment? (Assuming that when she enters the real world she retains her immunity to calories...or lays off the junk food occasionally.) Unfortunately, I wouldn't have a tuxedo and infinite supply of roses ready for her. mumble mumble...stupid Darien making me look bad...grumble grumble... 


5 comments:

  1. My point is, I would have held Hey Dude's sweet Melody's hand anytime.

    I COMPLETELY forgot that Christine Taylor was on Hey Dude. Crazy!

    Frankly, I never understood why Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie.

    Ditto. As I mentioned, Jennifer Aniston was probably #8 on my list, and just barely missed the cut.

    Sweet, innocent Gabriel was more my speed. She'd be gentle with me.

    I thought about Rene O'Conner as well, but left her off since I never really watched Xena, and just thought she was hot from the commercials and whatnot.

    But I did watch the soft core porn for teens known as Cruel Intentions. I found it much to my liking.

    I considered putting SMG on my list, but declined because, like you, I became a Buffy fan in college.

    Of course, that meant I completely forgot about Cruel Intentions. And the irony is that I never found SMG hotter than she was in that movie, so she really should have been on my list.

    In fact, I found her so attractive I watched The Crush...on purpose!

    Ditto. Good call.

    Kelly Bundy = hot. And Married...with Children (ever willing to appeal to the lowest common denominator) always put her in as skimpy of outfits as possible

    Oh man, of everyone on your list, this is probably the biggest oversight on mine. I didn't even think of including her, and I should have. I watched Married...with Children all the time when I was younger, and she was a huge part of that.

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  2. Good Calls on Christina Applegate and Alicia Silverstone. Also- i was super delighted to see Sailor Moon on your list. spot on. spot on

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  3. A cousin of ours married a girl who is the long lost twin to alicia silverstone. True story. It was really creepy. Anyway, they're no longer married.
    I never really understood the Gabby love on Xena. I just don't see it. I mean, yeah, i'm a chick, but usually i can appreciate a hot chick. She just seems...eh, to me.

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  4. @Teebore: I COMPLETELY forgot that Christine Taylor was on Hey Dude. Crazy!

    You apparently didn't watch as much Hey Dude as me. (Since I can't not see her as Melody.) Then again, I'm not sure many people have seen more Hey Dude than me....maybe my sister...maybe.

    Oh man, of everyone on your list, this is probably the biggest oversight on mine. I didn't even think of including her, and I should have. I watched Married...with Children all the time when I was younger, and she was a huge part of that.

    Well, we it's tough not to leave some girls out. I mean, it was really tough for me to leave Tiffany Amber Thiesen off my list. In fact, one of the reasons she wasn't on my list was you said all that needed saying.

    @Anne: i was super delighted to see Sailor Moon on your list. spot on. spot on

    I was having trouble picking which of my many teenage crushes ended up on the list...except that one. No brainer.

    @Falen: A cousin of ours married a girl who is the long lost twin to alicia silverstone. True story. It was really creepy. Anyway, they're no longer married.

    You know what they say, if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife.

    I never really understood the Gabby love on Xena. I just don't see it. I mean, yeah, i'm a chick, but usually i can appreciate a hot chick. She just seems...eh, to me.

    What can I say? I have a thing for girls-next-door with lesbian tendencies...

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  5. You apparently didn't watch as much Hey Dude as me.

    Yeah, I admittedly didn't watch a lot of Hey Dude.

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