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Sunday, August 12, 2007

Missing: Minnesota Twins Offense

Amongst the missing: reigning AL MVP Justin "I Homered Three Times in One Game" Morneau, AL batting champ Joe "Baby Jesus" Mauer, two 30/100 outfielders and a swarm of angry Piranhas.
All evidence seems to indicate they have been replaced by a team of inferior lookalikes, perhaps from a mirror universe, unable to consistently score more than two runs in a game. Amongst the duplicates are the frustrating Justin Morneau-for-4, the shifty "Maybe Jesus?" Mauer, the aged and patched together RonDL, the impish and many faced third baseman L-Puntcherkins and a swarm of young guppies. While numerous, these guppies are more or less ineffective when placed in a larger pond than one to which they are accustomed.
If anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of the real Twins offense, please contact the Metrodome in Minneapolis, MN. Management has made it abundantly clear that no replacements will be found; the hopes of all Twins Territory rests on the return of the true Twins offense and the expulsion of these genetically-identical-yet-offensively-inept duplicates.


  1. . . . if they were up your ass you'd know where they were . . .

  2. It is true I would know where an entire team of large men were if they were up my ass, but if I didn't see or notice they were crawling in there, it would feel like a regular Friday night for a Cubs fan. Frankly,Twins recruiters are not able to be up my ass right now as they are pretty far up their own. Castillo (lead-off batter, .300+ hitter, gold glove second baseman) for ... guppies when Monroe, Engsberg, and the numerous other low-dollar good ball players are floating around? I suppose if we keep putting faith in Punto and minor league ball players we will maybe hit 75 wins. Still love the Twins, but management is making some mistakes that are going to cost the season probably.


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