From: Tom Brady [email@example.com]
Sent: Monday, February 04, 2008 3:16 PM
To: Dr. Bitz [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Subject: You've been blessed with an e-mail from The Tom Brady
Dear Dr. Bitz,
Never let anybody tell you you're not special. Like everyone in this world, you are special in your own way. You are one of the few people in this world that has taught me something. And that's special. You have opened my eyes.
In my endless quest to scour the Internet for any site that may mention my name I came across your blog. I find it amusing that you would encourage being leisurely when man's true nature is the pursuit of excellence in all phases of life, but I digress. I saw your post about rooting against the Patriots and, after staring at that picture of me you posted for a few hours, I read what you said about me and realized that you were on to something.
My existence has indeed come at a price. Allowing myself to be like this at the cost of 500 def, dumb, blind, crippled, mentally handicapped children simply wouldn't do. I did a bit of meditation whilst looking in the mirror and combing my golden locks and the answer became clear on what I must do.
On Superbowl Sunday I allowed myself to be fallible. Like Moses parting the red sea, I parted my offensive line and allowed the New York Giant defenders through. I allowed Michael Strahan to touch the hem of my garments. I allowed myself to fall to the ground and taste of the dirt God created. This is the sacrifice I made. I did it for the children.
However, my quarterbacking skills and abilities are so finely honed that sometimes they take on a life of their own. This is why I accidentally took my team on a drive down the field to take a 14 to 10 lead with 2 minutes 45 seconds left in the game. My precision passing and second-to-none decision making kicked in without me knowing and suddenly I found myself nearly winning the Superbowl!
In a desperate attempt to correct this mistake I quickly donned a David Tyree jersey and went out to play wide receiver for the New York Giants. On the play everyone is talking about, I saw Not Tom Brady in trouble so I parted my defenders to allow him to get free. Then, when Not Tom Brady threw a non-Brady-like pass I was forced to make that miraculous off my helmet catch to keep the drive alive and give the New York Giants the opportunity to score the go-ahead touchdown and win Superbowl XLII.
I am glad to announce that thanks to my noble sacrifice (and rogue stem-cell researchers) 25 of the 500 def, dumb, blind, crippled, mentally handicapped children were miraculously cured. This is truly a blessing and warms my heart.
I must remind you, though, that I am Tom Brady and I can only be so fallible. I cannot make any promises about my performances next year. However, I did what I needed to do this year and in some odd way I feel like I was victorious in Superbowl XLII too.
Thank you for opening my eyes and I wish you at least 10% of the happiness that I experience on a daily basis.
You are almost as beautiful as I,
#12 Tom Brady
New England Patriots
"In life and in football there are two types of people: Those who are Tom Brady and those who are not."