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Monday, August 4, 2008

MLB Headlines Week 18

Well, well, well, look whose in first place in the division. I'd like to be the first to point out that I've believed in the Twins all along. I always knew they could win big this season.
Seriously, though, it's nice to see the Twins in first place. I know it's August and there's a lot of games left, but I believe before Sunday the Twins had been a half game behind the White Sox 11 other times and couldn't take first place.
So by taking over first place on Sunday the proverbial monkey was taken off their back. Of course, I'd be upset if a literal monkey was lifted from there back. Because, honestly, I'd love to watch the Twins play baseball with spider monkeys clinging to their backs. Hehehehehe....
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, headlines! Headline of the Week:
Happy returns: Liriano puts Twins alone in first

OK, I'm a homer. So sue me? Would this headline be better?
Box office smash: Manny rules weekend in LA

I still think The Dark Knight grossed more than Manny, but what do I know?

Onto our headlines:
Dr Bitz:
August 2nd, 2008 - Phillies 2 Cardinals 1
Pujols stinky in Cardinals loss

August 3rd, 2008 - Indians 2 Twins 6
Francisco fantastico in win for Twins

August 3rd, 2008 - White Sox 3 Royals 14
White Sox suffer Royal beatdown...figuratively AND literally!

August 2nd, 2008 - Indians 5 Twins 1
Byrd flies away with a win

August 2nd, 2008 - Astros 5 Mets 4
Wagner conducts blown save of operatic proportions

August 3rd, 2008 - Red Sox 5 Athletics 2
Dice-K slays A's

Teebore won last week. Not sure why you people insist on voting for him. Believe in Dr. Bitz! Voting to your left.


12:15 PM: I hate closers. I just hate them. I had Pittsburgh's closer, but he got injured. Eventually, I picked up Pittsburgh's replacement closer. Then the next day he was traded to the Yankees and no longer closing. So I pick up Pittsburgh's next closer, Grabow. However, he had a bad day. So the next day Yates the save. So I drop Grabow and picked up Yates, and in Pittsburgh's next save opportunity? Grabow gets the save. LAME!
Anyway, all this wouldn't be a big deal except EVERY SINGLE closer has been picked up in our league. I'm in the shallowest ten team league ever since most people don't pay attention, except for closers, apparently. Actually, there is one closer available, Masa Kobyashi. And he is what we like to call in the business, a disaster. Here's how it looks:
Me: 33 8 37 5 .307 3 3 43 5.58 1.52
Him: 30 10 35 2 .316 3 0 25 4.02 1.41

My hitting is do fairly well, but his team has been keeping pace, thanks to a certain vegan. My pitching is pretty much a disaster again. I think I have Strikes and Saves, he has ERA and WHIP. The rest of the categories are up for grabs. But he has two starting pitchers today and I have one, so I don't like my chances with Wins. But that's why they play the game...or something.

12:16 PM: Nothing fantasy-wise yet. But I'm watching the Yankees play the Angels and Darrel Rasner is imploding. I'm sure glad that guy's no longer on my team. But if the Angels win this game they will have played 3 games against the Red Sox and 3 against the Yankees and will have won 5 of 6. Twins, that's what a real team does against good teams. You could learn a thing or how to spend money.

12:26 PM: First batter of the day is Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez. He's got a man on second. Let's see what he got!

12:28 PM: And Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez strikes the *Expletive Deleted* out. What a waste.

1:08 PM: Brandon Phillips singles, helping out my average, but Corey Hart singles for my opponent, and steals a base. I'm not liking that.

1:09 PM: So the TBS announcers keep talking about the first inning woes of Darrel Rasner. Maybe there's a curse on pitchers whose last name start with Ra?

1:13 PM: Quentin and Delgado both strike out swinging....sounds like a typical Sunday for me.

1:30 PM: Oh look, Corey Hart stole another base. I'm only leading steals by one. Awesome.

1:33 PM: "Do It All" Doumit singles. A player scored but apparently it was on an error so no RBI. Lame!

1:37 PM: And of course Prince Fielder doubled to make up for Doumit's single and then some.

1:47 PM: Stupid players on the same team with the same last name. I see "Rodriguez homered to deep left" for the Yankees and I get excited. But it's just Pudge who hit it.

1:53 PM: So A-Rod's up with a man on first and third and nobody out. Sounds entertaining.

1:56 PM: A-Rod walked...I love me my walks.

2:01 PM: "Professor" Xavier Nady (No longer on my team) just ground rule doubled. Derek Jeter scored for my opponent but A-Rod had to stop at third. Sounds about right.

2:04 PM: A-Rod managed to score. So that's good. Brandon "Good, but not really as good as I had hoped" Phillips just walked. A steal would be nice.

2:09 PM: At least my opponent isn't having a very good Sunday either. My opponent is out hitting me, and out stealing me, I guess, butwe both have just one run and no RBI.

2:28 PM: Abreu hit Jeter home. So that's another run for my opponent. Then A-Rod comes up and gets a single. Or as I like to say, gets a Not-A-Homer.

2:31 PM: Carlos Delgado singles. I'm only .04 behind in average now.

2:32 PM: "Professor" Xavier homers. I should've never dropped him. He got A-Rod a run though, so I keep a 3 Run lead over my opponent.

2:47 PM: Just saw a big fight between the White Sox and Royals. And as much as I enjoy seeing AJ Pierzynski get clocked, he didn't do anything wrong. He was just trying to hold back the batter from pummeling his pitcher.

2:51 PM: Teixera just hit a grand slam to put the Angels on top of the Yankees 9 to 8 with two outs in the 8th inning. Mariano Rivera would've come in in the ninth, too. If I'm a Yankee fan I'm thinking one thing..."Ouch".

2:58 PM: Aramis Ramirez hit a solo home run for my opponent. Right now I'm thinking one thing..."Ouch".

3:09 PM: The Yankees scored to tie the game. There's one out, bottom of the 8th, Bases Loaded, Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez at bat. They all say A-Rod isn't clutch. Let's find out...

3:10 PM: Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez safe at first on an error. A run scores...but no RBI. I'm not sure where an error rates on the clutch scale.

3:12 PM: I stand corrected. A-Rod did get an RBI. I suppose because even if he was out at first the run would've scored.

3:18 PM: A-Rod came around to score. 5 Run 8th and Jeter has no part in it. I like it.

3:19 PM: Carl *Garbage* Crawford strikes out. BJ Upton manages to hit a two run homer. Carl Crawford? 0 for 4 on the day.

3:22 PM: Brian "Just Call Me Eddie Guardado" Fuentes came in for a save and promptly loads the bases with one out. He got out of it, but I wouldn't mind a nice one-two-three inning.

3:23 PM: Despite my disdain for the Upton home run (as opposed to a Carl Crawford home run), that homer did put J.P. Howell in line for a vulture win. That would be big.

3:25 PM: So Troy Percival comes in for the save and immediately gives up a game tying solo homer to Curtis Granderson. None of that has much fantasy impact on my or my opponent's team...except that completely ruins the possible vulture win for J.P. Howell. I....HATE....CLOSERS!!!! I need a shower.

3:56 PM: Got back from my shower. Heard Juan Rincon give up a solo home run. Just like old times! Only I was happy about it. So, let's check the scoreboard.

3:58 PM: Not a whole lot changed. Doumit got an RBI. Ichiro Suzuki stole a base to *sigh* tie the category. That's about all.

4:01 PM: AJ Pierzynski just hit a solo homer for my opponent. Ugh. I'm so glad my White Sox were taken out of the game but AJ stayed in to hit a meaningless homer. I hate the White Sox. I hate Fantasy Baseball.

6:13 PM: OK, so here's hot it stands. I'm ahead in runs and RBI by two, he's ahead in home runs by 4, steals are tied, and he's leading average by .02 points. We're tied in Wins. I have Albert Pujols hitting and Todd Wellemeyer pitching (both Cardinals) for me tonight and he has Shane Victorino hitting and Brett Myers pitching (both Phillies) for him tonight. Basically tonight I'm a huge Cardinals fan, and he's presumably a huge Phillies fan. What I need to happen is this, Albert Pujols goes 6 for 6 with 5 Home Runs and a single with a steal. I need Shane Victorino to go 0 for 4. All resulting in a win for Todd Wellemeyer. But...I'm not optimistic. I mean, sure, it COULD happen. And my wife COULD agree to have a threesome with Scarlet Johansen and upon agreeing to that Scarlet Johansen COULD randomly show up on our doorstep looking for a good time. But the odds are not in my favor.

7:32 PM: Well, my plan has been foiled. Pujols starts out the game stinky...hehehe....I may steal that for the headlines. Anyway, he grounded out. The good news is the Cardinals scored giving my pitcher a 1-0 lead and Shane Victorino is on the bench. It's hard to take over RBI and Runs from the bench.

7:59 PM: Argh...Pujols grounds out again. By my calculations Pujols needs to go 1 for 1, 2 for 2, or 2 for 3 the rest of the game depending on how many at bats he has. Not likely though.

8:12 PM: Why is there a Texas/Toronto game going on right now? Not that me or my opponent have any players on either of the teams. But still, it's odd.

8:25 PM: Stupid Chase Utley hitting a stupid home run off of my stupid pitcher. I hate that guy.

8:34 PM: Pujols flied out...crap. Now I need him to get two more at bats and get a hit in each of them.

9:21 PM: *An incredibly long expletive laden tirade which was offensive to approximately 6 cultures, both Sexes, and could've possibly landed Dr. Bitz in prison for reasons of National Security has been edited out of this log for the sake of basic human decency.* The Phillies bullpen just gave up the lead costing Wellemeyer the win. Then Shane Victorino came in to pinch hit and hit 3 run homer. I can't win Wins now, Average is completely out of the question, and now my opponent leads in one. Hey, maybe Shane Victorino can come up to bat again and get a steal and two runs to take those categories too! Why not?

9:37 PM: A-Poo is coming up to bat with two men on base. The fans are cheering, they apparently don't realize he's on my fantasy team which means he's about to hit into a double play. I know you're all thinking I want a home run. It would be nice. But what would be nicer is a bases clearing double followed by a steal. But really, I might as well wish to start crapping gold. Or should I say, wish for gold to start coming out of my Pujol.

9:42 PM: So my double play prediction was a bit pessimistic. Pujols walked instead...yay...I'm so bitter right now that I don't even know what to say.

10:07 PM: The night games are over and I'm more pissed than Teebore's mattress. This is how it looks:

Me: 37 8 40 5 .305 3 4 48 4.85 1.45
Him: 36 13 41 5 .313 3 0 32 3.78 1.34

That's right, my opponent comes into the day losing 4-5, and ends up winning 5-3. He comes into the day trailing steals by 3 and gets 3 steals on more steal than he's had the enitre week before today. He enters the night game trailing by 2 in RBI and his player is on the bench...yet manages to get 3 RBI and take the category from me. Awesome. What's more infuriating is he probably isn't even paying attention to appreciate this.
40 RBI should be good enough to win the damned category and 8 home runs isn't that bad! God f'in damnit!

Nemesis of The Week:
Well, the week started with Torii hunter as the prime candidate. He hit 3 home runs in as many days. But he didn't play most of the weekend due to family issues. So today I was positive that it was going to be Prince Fielder. 6 Runs, 5 Home Runs, 6 RBI, and a .400 batting average. But he's a vegan, so I kind of like him. But more importantly, Shane Victorino just pissed me the f' off tonight. 6 Runs, 2 Home Runs, 6 RBI, a steal, and .333 batting average for the week. Maybe not as good as Prince...but damnit, that pinch hit 3 run homer just killed me.

Savior of The Week:
You know what, if it's anybody, it's A-Rod...but really, no savior for this week. 3 Categories just isn't good enough.

The Moral of this week's story is to NEVER, EVER play fantasy baseball. And pinch hit home runs suck hard core.

1 comment:

  1. Man, I really tried to come up with Liriano and Manny based puns and couldn't do it. Both you and MLB blew me out of the water on that score.

    Seriously, what is up w/our shallow leagues obsession w/closers? Maybe it's just because those of us that pay attention stockpile them?

    "Twins, that's what a real team does against good teams."

    Also, something else real teams do? Say to themselves "we're good, but we could be better" and go out to acquire a key player that helps make that jump, instead of sitting on their rumps at the dealine (and all season) citing a fear of disturbing the "chemistry" when really, it's because we're too cheap, and because apparently, every single one of our young starters is a future Cy Young winner and thus incapable of being traded.

    Now that Zod picked up 'Professor' Xavier, is it wrong that I'm really hoping Nady sucks it up from here on out?

    If it makes you feel any better, Upton's been sucking about as bad as Crawford lately. That homer was his first in something like 45 games.

    My anger towards Shane Victorino has nowhere near the ground to stand on as yours does, but man, that guy pisses me off too. I had him last year, and I guarantee you he wasn't hitting 3 run homers off the bench. The worst thing is, I think he has more homers in the last two weeks than all the rest of the season combined.

    You know, in general, I think I just don't like most of the Phillies. None of them are on my team and all they seem to do is hit home runs.


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