Dr. Bitz's Man Meat

So, Proposition 8 passed in California. Similar votes throughout American States also passed to ban Gay Marriage. And this personally sickens me. I defy anybody to give me a legitimate reason that homosexuals shouldn't be allowed to be considered married in the eyes of the law. Oh, and 'because God said so' doesn't cut it.
But if you're really interested in how I feel, for the most part, then listen to Keith Olbermann on the left.
Anyway, as a really lame act of solidarity for 'those who play for the other team', I will now give everyone my long awaited(?) list of dudes that may make me take a few at-bats for 'the other team' if given the chance.

Before we get started, despite me saying that if I was any more pro-gay I'd be gay myself, I'm actually the straightest person I know. Dudes just don't do it for me. Why do you think I like lesbian porn so much? Regular porn has too much penis for my liking...which is to say ANY penis.
Although I will admit this. When I was in High School and I was striking out with the ladies left and right, I started to wonder if I was gay and didn't know it. Maybe I should've just tried to be gay in order to see some semblance of 'action.' But, in the end, three facts remained convincing me that I just can't be gay. I'm too messy, dress like a slob, and have a hemorrhoid problem. It just would never work.
However, if I had to make it work, these are the top 5 guys I'd try and make it work with.

John Cusack: I always go for the girl-next-door look. So I guess he would be the boy-next-door. But hey, he's got boyish good looks and can be charmingly befuddled. I also imagine him to have a soft touch. How can you not dig the Cusack?
And yes, I would at some point force him to stand outside my window with a boombox blaring Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes.'




Sean Connery: Yeah, he's old and I don't even want to imagine how far his balls droop, but there's something intriguing about getting worked over by the Man's Man. If Sean Connery gave it to me good, I doubt I'd refer to it as making love, getting it on, or making whoopee...I'd refer to it as a conquest. The adventure of a lifetime...so to speak.
Also, I'd imagine that while penetrating me Sean Connery would scream "Let my armies be the rocks and the trees and the birds in the sky!!!" and that would be worth it alone.


Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson: This guy is one of the most charismatic people I know. I shudder to think what this man could convince me to do with just a smile and a raise of the eyebrow. I also shudder to think what this man's half-Black ethnicity would do to my hemorrhoid problem...









Adam Carolla: He's a bit hairy for my liking, but I think he'd make up for it in personality. I believe that post-coitus Adam Carolla would bring humor and levity to the situation. So after being violated I'd be smiling instead of crying in the fetal position fully clothed in the shower.




Ichiro Suzuki: One of the only men in the world who, if I hooked up with, I feel like I'd have a decent chance at being the pitcher. Just look at his stance at the plate. He's like a delicate ballerina. Here's how I imagine my life with Ichiro would go:
We'd live in a quaint little home with a white picket fence. I'd come home after a hard day of work and Ichiro would be tending to the supper while wearing a pink apron with white fringe.
I would plop down on the couch with a grunt and turn on the baseball game. Ichiro would pull himself away from the supper long enough to offer me a beer. I'd accept with a nod and a faint smile and he'd go back to the kitchen.
Ichiro would secretly glare at me as I yell some uneducated comment at the TV. I'd scream something like, "How can you swing at a pitch like THAT!?" Ichiro would know exactly how you can 'swing at a pitch like that' for he has forgotten more about baseball than I'll ever know. And at that point another piece of him would die inside.
Thus, the tragic cycle of the internal battle between love and hate continues...ummm...what was I talking about again?

Honorable Mention: Toby Maguire, Barak Obama, Jamie Lee Curtis, George W. Bush

Movies I Shouldn't Admit I Really, Really Like

Dirty Dancing: The movie every girl in high school loved. I have no idea why I like this movie. My wife doesn't even like it. But I do. Maybe its because I've seen it enough to know better than to put Baby in a corner...



The Little Mermaid: This is my favorite Disney movie, even though I'm well aware there are much better films in the catalog (Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King). Ariel's yearning to belong always gets to me. Also, she's pretty hot for someone who's half fish.



Home Alone: For whatever reason, I can't help watching this every Christmas.


Point Break: The Swayze makes another appearance on this list* with my favorite awful action movie from a time replete with them. Patrick Swayze as an armchair Zen-spewing leader of a surfer gang that robs banks wearing rubber masks of former Presidents? Keanu Reeves as a wooden FBI agent romancing Lori Petty while falling under the Swayze's sway? Gary Busey eating meatball sandwiches? Sign me up!



Kindergarten Cop: Another terribly awesome gem from the golden age of action movies. Arnold barely kills anyone, the kids are annoying as hell, and the jokes aren't funny, but I love it. Maybe it's because while the jokes aren't funny, Arnold's delivery of them is. My dad and I, like many others, have gotten far too many unintentional laughs over the years from "it's not ah tumah!" alone. And Arnold's partner in the movie (Pamela Reed) cracks me up.


Titanic: The history buff adult in me tells me I like this movie because of its painstaking recreation of the ship and the feel of the era in which it sailed. The 17-year-old guy in me tells me I like this movie because of the spectacle of the sinking and the awesome effects displayed therein. The 14-year-old girl in me tells me I like it because of the doomed romance. I never know who is enjoying it at any given moment, but the movie does a great job of appealingto all three at once.



*I don't know who that says more about: me, or the Swayze.

Movies I Shouldn't Admit I Really, Really Liked

The Cutting Edge – “Toe pick.” My brother claims to like this movie because it’s a hockey film. Just because there’s about 3 minutes of hockey doesn’t change the fact this is a complete chick flick.


Enchanted – Amy Adams was born for this movie.


A Knights Tale – One of Heath Ledger’s most brilliant performances. I could watch the dance scene with Bowie’s Golden Years every hour of every day for the rest of my life.


10 Things I Hate About You – Another Heath Ledger movie with a thrilling musical number by the unfortunately deceased. To my benefit it also contains Julia Stiles (Ol’ Shmoosh Face) grinding down to Biggie Smalls.


Ella Enchanted – Give me a moment as I reflect on the utter hotness that is Anne Hathaway . . . bo-ing.


13 Going On 30 – Normally I’m not a Jennifer Garner fan but she nailed this role 10 times better than Tom Hanks did in Big. The Thriller dance scene alone will hook you to watch the entire movie.

Teebore's Man-crushes

Because YOU demanded it, here's five guys that have the best chance of convincing me to play for the other team.

Mathew Perry (Friends, Studio 60, The Whole Nine Yards, various crappy RomComs): What can I say? I like to laugh. Chandler was always my favorite character on Friends, and the unfairly-criticized, but-not-without-its-flaws Studio 60 showed us Mathew’s more serious side without leaving the humor entirely behind. Plus, Mrs. Teebore likes him, so we could share.

George Clooney (Ocean’s 11, Michael Clayton, Good Night and Good Luck): ~boots likes Brad Pitt so I’ll give Brad’s buddy George his due here. There’s just something easy going and affable about Clooney that makes him likeable and suggests he’s not just an arrogant Hollywood pretty boy, so he’d treat me right, even though he’s way better than me at everything. Clooney also reminds me of an actor straight out of classic Hollywood, and I like that.

Shia LaBouf (Disturbia, Transformers, Indy IV): Shia strikes me as the kind of guy that in high school was into nerdy things, so he’d talk to the geeks, but was still hip enough to hang with the cool kids. So he’d probably break my heart, but still, like a woman and “bad boy”, I just can’t resist; last summer’s Transformers (in which he was almost as much fun to watch as the giant transforming robots, which is good, considering the producers insisted on not exclusively featuring the giant, transforming robots for some reason) did too good a job of sparking the flames of my man-crush on Shia. 

Ethan Hawke (White Fang, Great Expectations, Gattaca, numerous angsty early 90s movies): Ethan Hawke is handsome in that awkward, oddball way that makes you think he appreciates love, so he wouldn’t leave me when someone hotter came along. Starring in a version of Great Expectations that cut out all the boring Dickens crap and made it about unrequited love also helps his appeal.

Christian Bale (Newsies, American Psycho, Batman): As anyone who’s heard me use the phrase “it’ll be a Christian Bale-orama” to enthusiastically describe an upcoming movie, it should come as no surprise that he tops this list. Whether hawking papes or punching face, I wouldn’t mind spending some time with him in Santa Fe…

Man Meat

While watching greased up dudes sweating and frolicking around in skirts, I realized it’s been far too long since I posted anything on this blog.

Now I’m not a gay man (or bi-sexual since it’s my belief “gay” does not exist) but seeing this dude with his flowing blond hair plunging a short sword into the clavicle of a behemoth gave me a smile.

The movie – TROY. The dude – BRAD PITT.

If I ever find myself in prison because people keep emailing me pictures of Miley Cyrus’ myspace pictures, I hope Brad’s the sister who’s going to punish me.

Beyond the aforementioned eye-candy factor Mr. Pitt possesses, he really doesn’t get enough credit for what a truly gifted actor he is and the remarkable resume he has acquired.

12 Monkeys.

Se7en.

Fight Club.

Snatch.

The Jimmy Kimmel F*%!ing Ben Affleck skit.

I guess if I’m going to be abused between the glutes I’d like the guy to have a little talent I can appreciate.

Here are the guys I’d go gay for –

Brad Pitt.

Johnny Depp - As long as he is in costume and character either as Ed Wood, Capt. Jack Sparrow, George Jung, or Dean Corso (Ninth Gate).

Kevin Bacon with the Footloose soundtrack blasting.

Heath Ledger with pulse, even though Jake Gyllenhaal’s stench would be on him. Jake would be in the bottom five right behind the elephant man and the fat guy from Borat. I never want to be with someone who was chased by wolves and didn’t get eaten by them. Follow through, Jake. Eaten by wolves is a good way to go.

Ed Norton. Hopefully he’d have the look on his face in Fight Club where he realizes he’s boinking Marla Singer.

That’s my five.

I challenge the other Gentlemen to post their list and then we’ll have a vote to see who has the best taste in dudes.