Dr. Bitz's Man Meat

So, Proposition 8 passed in California. Similar votes throughout American States also passed to ban Gay Marriage. And this personally sickens me. I defy anybody to give me a legitimate reason that homosexuals shouldn't be allowed to be considered married in the eyes of the law. Oh, and 'because God said so' doesn't cut it.
But if you're really interested in how I feel, for the most part, then listen to Keith Olbermann on the left.
Anyway, as a really lame act of solidarity for 'those who play for the other team', I will now give everyone my long awaited(?) list of dudes that may make me take a few at-bats for 'the other team' if given the chance.

Before we get started, despite me saying that if I was any more pro-gay I'd be gay myself, I'm actually the straightest person I know. Dudes just don't do it for me. Why do you think I like lesbian porn so much? Regular porn has too much penis for my liking...which is to say ANY penis.
Although I will admit this. When I was in High School and I was striking out with the ladies left and right, I started to wonder if I was gay and didn't know it. Maybe I should've just tried to be gay in order to see some semblance of 'action.' But, in the end, three facts remained convincing me that I just can't be gay. I'm too messy, dress like a slob, and have a hemorrhoid problem. It just would never work.
However, if I had to make it work, these are the top 5 guys I'd try and make it work with.

John Cusack: I always go for the girl-next-door look. So I guess he would be the boy-next-door. But hey, he's got boyish good looks and can be charmingly befuddled. I also imagine him to have a soft touch. How can you not dig the Cusack?
And yes, I would at some point force him to stand outside my window with a boombox blaring Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes.'




Sean Connery: Yeah, he's old and I don't even want to imagine how far his balls droop, but there's something intriguing about getting worked over by the Man's Man. If Sean Connery gave it to me good, I doubt I'd refer to it as making love, getting it on, or making whoopee...I'd refer to it as a conquest. The adventure of a lifetime...so to speak.
Also, I'd imagine that while penetrating me Sean Connery would scream "Let my armies be the rocks and the trees and the birds in the sky!!!" and that would be worth it alone.


Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson: This guy is one of the most charismatic people I know. I shudder to think what this man could convince me to do with just a smile and a raise of the eyebrow. I also shudder to think what this man's half-Black ethnicity would do to my hemorrhoid problem...









Adam Carolla: He's a bit hairy for my liking, but I think he'd make up for it in personality. I believe that post-coitus Adam Carolla would bring humor and levity to the situation. So after being violated I'd be smiling instead of crying in the fetal position fully clothed in the shower.




Ichiro Suzuki: One of the only men in the world who, if I hooked up with, I feel like I'd have a decent chance at being the pitcher. Just look at his stance at the plate. He's like a delicate ballerina. Here's how I imagine my life with Ichiro would go:
We'd live in a quaint little home with a white picket fence. I'd come home after a hard day of work and Ichiro would be tending to the supper while wearing a pink apron with white fringe.
I would plop down on the couch with a grunt and turn on the baseball game. Ichiro would pull himself away from the supper long enough to offer me a beer. I'd accept with a nod and a faint smile and he'd go back to the kitchen.
Ichiro would secretly glare at me as I yell some uneducated comment at the TV. I'd scream something like, "How can you swing at a pitch like THAT!?" Ichiro would know exactly how you can 'swing at a pitch like that' for he has forgotten more about baseball than I'll ever know. And at that point another piece of him would die inside.
Thus, the tragic cycle of the internal battle between love and hate continues...ummm...what was I talking about again?

Honorable Mention: Toby Maguire, Barak Obama, Jamie Lee Curtis, George W. Bush

Movies I Shouldn't Admit I Really, Really Like

Dragonheart: I can't say much about this movie since I only saw it once. But here's the deal. My friend and I saw previews for this movie. Medieval Action, a classic battle between good and evil, a pre-grizzled old-timer Dennis Quaid, Sean Connery as a dragon...we were hooked before we even saw the movie. We went to see the movie the weekend it came out, and loved it. And to this day I think we are the only two people in the world who did. So all I have is fond memories...which I'm sure would be ruined if I ever watched it again.


The Cutting Edge: Another movie I only saw once. But I was in middle school and thought it to be an entertaining love story. But what really stuck in my memory was the ending. You see, they skate together, but you never see if they win the gold. It cuts out right before the results. Because, whether they won the tournament or not, they already won in life. Awwwwww. Such a non-traditional ending blew my mind when I was a kid. It probably wouldn't anymore.




Legally Blonde: I went to this movie on a date and was not expecting much. What I got was a funny, endearing and smart comedy. I thought I was going to get Reece Witherspoon acting like a ditz. Instead I got a protagonist with plenty of smarts who people refuse to take seriously due to her 'blondness.' Let's just say that I generally enjoy movies that stay within themselves and don't try to do too much. And that's exactly what this movie did.
However I was disappointed Reece Witherspoon didn't make out with Selma Blair while they were roommates...to complete the circle so to speak.

Jerry Maguire: It had me at hello. I'm just kidding, but the movie did show me the money. Alright, I'll stop with the overused catch phrases.
A gal friend and I were bored one day so we decided to watch a movie. I found Jerry Maguire in my brothers room and due to a lack of a better option we decided to watch it. All I knew was that it was a very popular romantic comedy. Sure, the masses liked it, but I had more discriminating tastes. I thought it'd be complete cheese mixed with, by then, well known catch prases. But I have to admit, it was a good the movie.
I find the romantic part of the story entertaining and unique. The sports agent part was intriguing and well done. The movie was also filled with genuinely funny scenes. This was just a solid movie with good acting, a good plot, and dare I say it? A lot of heart.

Jason X: This is the tenth installment of the Friday the 13th movie franchise which means, if traditional movie laws apply, its ten times crappier than the original. That is not the case in my opinion. In fact this is my favorite movie of the entire series.
First of all, it doesn't take itself too seriously. It's fraught with comedy and self parody. So some parts are hilarious. Secondly, it takes place in outer space, so you gotta love that. But probably the most important part of this movie is that you end up caring about some of the characters and wanting to see them live. That's an element lost in most modern day horror flicks.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Yes, I actually enjoy the ugly stepchild of the acclaimed series. I'm sorry, when I watched it I enjoyed the vampire killing action and the humor. Or maybe, since I was just a teenager hitting puberty, I simply enjoyed Kristy Swanson in a leotard. Either way, this movie still holds a fond place in my heart...and a tear drops from my eye when I think of poor Merrick.





Flash Gordon: Campy, silly, dated, filled with sci-fi, fantasy action, finishes with a ? after the words 'The End', has a Queen soundtrack. What's not to like?









Idle Hands: I don't care what anybody says, this movie is freakin' hilarious. I saw it when I worked at a movie theater, and me and my coworkers constantly quoted it. I'm not sure why I like this movie so much, maybe it's because I see a little bit of myself in the Devin Sawa character. He's so lazy a demon took control of his hand. That could quite possibly happen to me. Or maybe I like it because Jessica Alba is hot. Either way, if this movie is being shown (and it rarely is) you'll see me watching it and laughing my ass off.