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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Not Patriotic

So, the Superbowl is coming up and I'm sure you're all wondering who I'm rooting for. Well the answer to that is simple: the New York Giants. The bigger question should be who are you rooting for? And the answer should be, again, the New York Giants. The Patriots aren't worthy of your support and I'll tell you why. These are my top 5 reasons you should root against the New England Patriots.

5. Boston Wins Too Much
Am I wrong? I mean, in this decade the Patriots have won 3 Superbowls and the Red Socks have won 2 World Series. This year the Patriots are undefeated and the Celtics are the best team in the East. So maybe it's just sour grapes. Or maybe it's because their success seems to be done on the backs of ex-Minnesota guys like David Ortiz, Kevin Garnett, and Randy Moss. The bottom line is Boston wins too much and it's time they're knocked down a peg.

4. Tom Brady
Yes, NFL's so-called golden boy is certainly a reason to root against the Patriots. I mean, he has those flowing golden locks, a shapely butt, a cool, suave attitude, and he doesn't play football, he blesses the sport with his presence. Seriously, this guy can do no wrong. Even when he has a bad game (like two Sundays ago) his team still wins. It's annoying.
Beyond that, I believe in karma and laws of equity and conservation of mass and such, so I did some calculating. Apparently, in order for Tom Brady to exist, 500 def, dumb, blind, crippled, mentally handicapped children needed to be born. That's wrong, Tom Brady, that's just plain wrong.

3. Bill Belichik
What an ass. I mean...seriously...what an ass. This is a guy who will walk into a room and with one look of disdain you'll know that A. He knows more about football than you do B. You can't comprehend just how much he actually knows about football and C. Him knowing more about football than you makes him an all around better person than you. A-S-S.
Remember when Bill Belichik cheated? Yeah, he had some intern dress up as a reporter and had them try to tape the Jets' sideline during a game. That's illegal in the NFL. That's cheating. Well the media has certainly forgotten it happened. Apparently cheating is OK as long as you win a lot.

2. Rodney Harrison
This guy was voted by the league as the 'dirtiest player' in football in two years: 2004 and 2006. He's been fined multiple times for cheap and dangerous hits. Oh, and he was suspended 4 games for taking performance enhancing substances...this year. (Yes, the very same substances that baseball players get crucified by the media for taking.) Apparently in football taking chemicals to boost performance is OK, but in baseball you have to go before congress. But I'm getting off track. The bottom line is Rodney Harrison is cheap and a cheater but you can cheer for him and his team if you want to...if you have no soul.

1. Randy Moss
I actually hear Minnesotans talk about how they're glad to see Randy Moss finally get to the Superbowl and finally get his chance at a ring. I make sure I'm not eating at the time or I may end up puking the food up.
Randy Moss pretty much screwed over the Vikings. When Randy wasn't taking plays off because of boredom he was happily toking the ganga and running over meter maids. Not only was he a distraction to the team off the field, but if the team fell on any sort of hard times he was a detriment on the field. Randy Moss was a selfish player who played when and only when he wanted to play.
We dumped him off in Oakland where he proceeded to be a non-factor. He finally goes to the Patriots and now suddenly he's good? He was mediocre to bad for 3 to 4 season before the Patriots and do we think he magically found talent simply by walking into the Patriot's locker room? Hell no. Randy Moss was simply dogging it in Minnesota and Oakland because he didn't feel like playing. Randy Moss will only play well when the team is playing well. If he feels the team is no good he'll quit, plain and simple. Which is why the Patriots are perfect for him, because they're always good.
But the Patriots being a good fit for Randy still doesn't excuse his behavior. He's a player who needs to be elevated and refuses to elevate anyone else.
Maybe if Randy Moss was like Kevin Garnett, a guy who gave his all and always tried to win no matter the obstacles, then I would be glad to see him get a championship. But Randy Moss is no Kevin Garnett.
So when people call Randy Moss the greatest wide receiver ever, I gag. He may be the wide receiver with the best physical talents but to be the 'greatest' you need something Randy Moss simply doesn't have: heart.

4 comments:

  1. baroness van bitzenhoferFebruary 1, 2008 at 5:47 AM

    I promise I'll be cheering on the Giants because I agree with whatever you say (ok, well, not really, but I like to let you think that sometimes...). Happy Birthday!!!

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  2. I was going to root for the Giants, but then I was bedazzled by that glorious image of Tom Brady you posted.

    Ah, just kidding, Pats suck, go Giants. Seriously, 5 championships for two teams in seven years? Spread the wealth, Boston, you victory hog...

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  3. i think that pic of tom brady hurt your appeal - before this i thought he was all right. After i saw the pic you used, well, now i think he looks better than just "all right".

    Still, boo pats.

    -S

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  4. well i like the giants because they are the reason I got to take two trip to new york in high school! go band trips!

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