Teebore's 5 Favorite Christmas Episodes

Not to be confused with Christmas specials, "very special" Christmas episodes have long been a tradition for TV shows, teaching viewers young and old all kinds of important lessons, like when DJ and Stephanie were stranded at an airport and learned that Christmas isn't just about getting presents, or when Blair learned that convicts are people too, or when Zack and the gang learned that not all homeless people are scraggly bums; sometimes they're attractive blond girls.

Here are five of my favorite Christmas episodes from five of my favorite shows, in no particular order:

Amends (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): From Buffy's third season, this loose adaptation of the Dickens Christmas classic finds a recently-returned from hell Angel haunted by visions of his past victims, created, unknownst to him, by the First Evil in an attempt to remove Angel from the scene by leading him to suicide. Angel, ultimately deciding he deserves to die, resolves to watch the sunrise and not even Buffy can talk him out of it. He is spared by a mysterious and unseasonable snowfall that blocks out the sun and he realizes that, perhaps, he can atone for his past evils, a revelation that puts him on the path he walks in his own series.

Lesson Learned: Try not to caught in the middle of a battle between two opposing and powerful forces, especially around the holidays.


Afternoon Delight (Arrested Development): Michael, feeling ignored by George Michael, and Maeby, feeling abandoned by her mother, decide to attended the Bluth Company Christmas party together, where they proceed to stick an assortment of candy to G.O.B's suit (he's paranoid that kids will put their sticky fingers all over the expensive suit he's been boasting about) before hoping on stage to perform a karaoke version of "Afternoon Delight". Lindsey and George Michael, seeing Michael and Maeby having such a good time together, leave before Michael realizes that Afternoon Delight isn't the best song to be singing with his niece. So at a second Bluth Company Christmas party later that day (long story), Lindsey and George Michael decide to get back at Maeby and Michael by doing their own rendition of Afternoon Delight...before they, too, realize the adult nature hiding behind the song's innocent melody.

Lesson Learned: Be careful about with whom you sing Afternoon Delight.


Woodland Critter Christmas (South Park): South Park has a long tradition of Christmas episodes, most famously the introduction of Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. But my favorite is their most recent one, the Woodland Critter Christmas. Done in the tone and narrative style (complete with rhyming narration) common to storybooks and the stop-motion Rankin-Bass classics, Stan, "the boy in a red poof-ball hat", helps a group of cuddly, wide-eyed woodland critters bring about the birth of their messiah, even going so far as to slay a moutain lion that devours the Critters' savior every Christmas.

Of course, it turns out that beneath their cuddly cuteness, the critters are vicious, orgiastic psychopaths, their messiah is actually the anti-Christ destined to bring about the Apocalypse, the moutain lion Stan slew was the only creature capable of killing the anti-Christ, and that the lion's death left behind three orphaned cubs, which Stan proceeds to reluctantly take to an abortion clinic so they can learn how to perform an abortion to kill the anti-Christ in-utero.

Hilarity ensues, and by the end, Santa decimates the Critters with a shotgun, Kyle gets possesed by the anti-Christ and freed by a lion-cub abortion performed on his anus, and all is revealed as a Christmas story written for class by Cartman.

Lesson Learned: Beware woodland critters. Especially cute ones.


A Tale of Two Santas (Futurama): This second tale of the future's evil Robot Santa features Bender taking his place and getting put on death row for Santa's crimes, culminating in Dr. Zoidberg dressing up as Santa's friend Jesus in an attempt to clear Bender's name. It also features Santa's hilarious, inebriated, short-shorts wearing Neptunian "elves" and Coolio as the voice of Kwaanzabot.

Lesson Learned: A family huddled together in fear at Christmas is still a family together at Christmas.


The Grift of the Magi (The Simpsons): I went back and forth on this one, reluctant to proclaim "Grift" my favorite Simpson's Christmas episode when it's really only a Christmas episode for the last third, but, well...that last third is funnier than the entireity of most other Christmas eps, what with Gary Coleman and Homer stealing the town's Funzos and the ending narration in which Mr. Burns gets visited by three ghosts and Moe replaces his head in the oven with a plump Christmas goose after seeing the world had he never been born.

Lesson Learned: Gary Coleman knows EXACTLY what you're talking about...

Other Simpsons Christmas episode contenders:

Marge Be Not Proud: In which Bart gets caught stealing the videogame Bonestorm, was originally going to be crowned my favorite, but upon re-watching it recently, I found it...kinda boring.
Miracle on Evergreen Terrace: After accidentally destroying the tree and all their presents, Bart pretends a burglar stole the family's Christmas and the townspeople respond by giving them $15,000 which is spent on a new car that gets destroyed shortly thereafter, so that when the townspeople find out the truth, they retake their donations by pillaging the Simpson's house. Not without its fair share of laughs, but ultimately a little too depressing to be my favorite.
Skinner's Sense of Snow: This episode finds the children trapped inside the school with Principal Skinner during a blizzard and is considered a Christmas episode, but aside from taking place around Christmas time, it really isn't.
'Tis the Fifteenth Season: A fairly solid Christmas episode in which Homer, after watching Mr. Magrew's Christmas Carol, is motivated to change his selfish ways and starts competing with Flanders for the title of "nicest guy in town," culminating in Homer stealing all the townspeople's gifts, intent on destroying them, Grinch-style, in order to free them from their desires. Funny and well done, I was pleasantly surprised upon re-watching this one. However, I remain reluctant to call any episode this recent the best Simpsons anything. Perhaps in a few years...

Teebore's 5 Favorite Gifts from Childhood Christmases Past

The Eborsisk: When the movie Willow came out, I was mildly obsessed with it for awhile. And for me, as a kid, "obsessed" more or less meant "wanted any and all merchandise associated with the film, especially the toys."

Unfortunately, the Willow toys were pretty lame: they weren't poseable, at all, and they all came fastened to these metal bases from which I inevitably removed them forcibly in an attempt to make them more "action figure-y" and less "hunks of plastic."


But the crown jewel of the Willow figures, as far as I was concerned, was the Eborsisk, the two-headed dragon Madmartigan fights in Tir Asleen (reportedly named for Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel). I received it Christmas morning of 1988 (or maybe '89). It was in-scale to the other "toys" in the line and was actually poseable. Plus, it was just the right size to crossover and double as a twisted experiment of Cobra amongst my GI Joe figures.


Voltron: Good ol' Voltron, Defender of the Universe. The highlight of Christmas '86 this version was made by Panosh Place as part of their Voltron action figure line. It was actually a set of all five lions (Yellow, Blue, Red, Green, and Black..."and I'll form the head!") that snapped together to form Voltron AND were sized such that the Voltron Force pilots could fit inside their respective lions.


Of course, the set also came with a not-quite Blazing Sword and other Robobeast-smashing accessories.


She-Ra: Yeah, yeah, make all the gay cracks about lil'Teebore playing with dolls you want*, the fact remains that She-Ra was He-Man's sister which meant, despite the rooted-hair and comb accessory, 6-year old Teebore HAD to have this figure.

But what cements She-Ra's place on this list is the fact that I received She-Ra and her...pink...horse...Swiftwind (*sigh*) from Santa Claus himself, who chose to make a personal appearance at my house in Sharon, Pennsylvania that Christmas for reasons unknown (but presumably because I had been such a good boy that year). Of course, it was too bad that my Grandpa chose that moment to step out and missed meeting Saint Nick himself...

*in my defense, though I didn't really think about it at the time, She-Ra is pretty hot.

Trypticon: It is a well-documentated fact that transforming robots are awesome. But a transforming robot that's also a dinosaur? That's even awesomer, especially for a kid who LOVED dinosaurs almost as much as transforming robots.


Trypticon is the Decepticon's evil base, and as his name suggests, could transform from a dinosaur to a city to a battle-station-ready city. He could even walk on his own, thanks to a couple of batteries in his tail.



Of course, being a transforming city, he should really be much, much larger, but the Transformer toys have always had issues with scale (something that bothered even lil'Teebore).

However, the fact remains, opening a present to reveal a transforming robot dinosaur makes for one hell of a good Christmas, no matter how old you are.

Cobra Terror Drome: For a GI Joe fan in the Christmas of 1988 (especially one, like me, who found Cobra much cooler than GI Joe itself), the Terror Drome was the holy grail of toys.

Check out Dial-Tone in Cobra jail like a chump.

It came with a sweet little jet (the Firebat) that launched from the center of the base, and had all kinds of fun things, like a jail for pesky GI Joes, a refueling station and really big guns.

I love that the box points out the "reclining chairs" as one of the toy's features.

Needless to say, this is one Christmas present that became the centerpiece of many a GI Joe adventure, and was played with until long after it fell apart.

Teebore's 5 Favorite Christmas characters

5. The Bumble from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The mentally-challenged, Christmas-hating abominable snowman barely edges out Yukon Cornelius as my favorite character from the Rankin/Bass stop motion classic. After all, we both share an intense dislike of Rudolph.






4. Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey (from the classic Christmas carol of the same name): Star of my favorite non-traditional Christmas song, Dominick the Donkey helps deliver toys to all the children of Italy. Sure, reindeer can fly while Dominick must climb the treacherous mountains surrounding Italy, but that just shows making children happy means more to him than it does to those lazy, flash-in-the-pan reindeer.



3. The Old Man (from A Christmas Story): Ralphie's dad makes this list for the way he "worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay," his appreciation of fine art, and for coming through for Ralphie and getting him is Red Ryder BB gun.







2. Ebenezer Scrooge (from A Christmas Carol): My favorite performances of this venerable character are from Michael Caine and Scrooge McDuck.

1. Santa Claus: Duh, right? I mean, if all the various holiday characters got together in some kind of Hall of Justice, Santa Claus would be their Superman. My favorite Santa Claus story is his "origin"in the the claymation "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," in which he fights the evil Burgermeister Meisterburger.