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Monday, January 3, 2011

Show Me Yours Blogfest

Fellow blogging buddies Falen, Hannah and Summer are hosting the "Show Me Yours" blogfest, in which participants share a 500 word (or so) excerpt from their finished or unfinished novel from last November's National Novel Writing Month challenge. Below is an excerpt from my unfinished NaNoWriMo 2010 book, Dawning Equinox. Be sure to check out any one of those lovely ladies' blogs for the full list of blogfest participants.


This excerpt is a relatively straightforward action scene (it's also a little longer than 500 words. Shh!!!). All you really need to know is that the main character, Jon Rooker, is a telepathic CIA agent and that just before this scene begins, he's learned his girlfriend has been kidnapped by one of his enemies and Jon's been framed for her murder: 

               “Jon Rooker, you’re under arrest for murder. Come quietly and it’ll be easier for everyone.”
               The words cleared Jon’s clouded mind. He snapped into action as years of training took effect. Jon quickly put his phone away and rose from his knees. He strode past the door, on which the cops were now pounding, and grabbed a frying pan from the kitchen.
               Jon waited, the frying pan clenched in both hands, next to the door with his back against the wall. A few seconds later the door fell inside with a great crash.  
               The doorway was narrow enough that the cops had to breach the room one by one. Jon watched as the barrel of the first officer’s MP5 machine gun entered the room, followed by his outstretched arms. Jon raised the frying pan up and sent it crashing down onto those arms. With a cry of surprise and pain, the cop dropped his gun. Jon swiftly raised the pan, slamming it into the officer’s face. The cop flew backwards, his hands held to his bleeding nose.
               Jon dropped the pan and grabbed the second cop, who had dropped his guard when his partner went flying out of the room, by the collar of his tactical vest and pulled him inside the room. Jon pressed a hand against the cop’s face and shouted sleep in his mind. The second cop immediately shut his eyes and crumpled to the floor inside the apartment, sleeping soundly.
               Without wasting a second, Jon scooped up the sleeping officer’s MP5 assault rifle and quickly scanned the hallway outside telepathically. There were three men still, two to the left of the door and one to the right. Jon fired the rifle at the light in the outside hallway. It shattered, and Jon sensed the cops moving back a few steps and momentarily focusing their attention upwards.
               Jon dove out of the apartment, landing on his side facing the two cops to the left. He fired two quick shots, each hitting one of the cop’s knees. Jon knew he was likely ending their careers, but hopefully they’d get a medal and a nice commendation out of it. It was at least better than getting killed.
               Before the remaining cop behind him could react, Jon reached into his mind and planted an image of Jon running down the hall.
               “He’s getting away!” the telepathically-hoodwinked cop shouted, turning his back to the real Jon and charging down the hall.
               Jon sprang to his feet just as the two men he’d shot were bringing their rifles to bear. Placing a hand on each of them he repeated his telepathic sleep command. The pair fell backwards with a thud. Jon picked up the radio clipped to one of their shoulders. “Suspect is fleeing on foot. We have officers down. Need immediate EMT response inside.”
               Then Jon turned back towards the one remaining cop, who had reached the end of the hallway and stopped when he hadn’t seen Jon anymore. He turned back around and Jon saw his eyes widen as he took in the sight of his partners, unconscious and bleeding on the ground, and Jon, still holding the rifle.
               “Freeze!” the cop said.
               “He’s behind you!” Jon shouted, telepathically making the cop see Jon as a fellow officer. The cop spun around and fired into the wall. Dropping his rifle, Jon sprinted down the hall and came up behind him. Jon slid his arms around the man’s neck and applied pressure. Within a few seconds, the cop went limp. Jon lowered him to the floor, and without looking back, ran towards the stairwell.

18 comments:

Rebecca T. said...

I love when he makes the cop fall asleep. Also, I love how he gets out of it without killing anyone. Nice action and I would love to know more!

Hannah Kincade said...

As always, brilliant. I lurve your action scenes. That he did all that and got away without killing anyone says a lot about his character. And seriously, you hurry up and finish!! I want to read it! And don't you dare say the same to me. *shakes fist*

Anne Gallagher said...

Oh I totally love this guy! At least he's nice enough to not kill anyone. Great read.

Lisa Potts said...

Nice action scene. You did a good job of showing movement without confusing the reader about who was doing what.
Thanks for sharing.

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

Haha! "Hoodwinked"!
excellent.
Yeah i'm with hannah, you need to finish this.
Or. Else.

Teebore said...

@Rebecca: Also, I love how he gets out of it without killing anyone.

@Hannah:That he did all that and got away without killing anyone says a lot about his character.

@Anne: At least he's nice enough to not kill anyone.

The "not killing" is definitely part of his character. As the story opens, he's at a point in his life where's he's sick of the whole secret agent thing, including all the killing.

Plus, he knows these are cops that are just doing their job.

@Lisa: You did a good job of showing movement without confusing the reader about who was doing what.

Good to hear! That's something I always strive for when writing action scenes, having movement without confusion.

Thanks for stopping by!

@Falen: Yeah i'm with hannah, you need to finish this.
Or. Else.


We'll see. I mean, I'll finish it at some point, but I'm not sure when. I'm just not feeling it right now.

Anne said...

this was great and i can't wait to read more!

kelworthfiles said...

That was a really cool action scene, a little bit James Bond-ish, (or James Bond with ESP,) but I liked it anyways. Agree that it's a nice character trait for the hero to be so resourceful and concerned about leaving the cops alive.

The strangest thing of all is, I feel like I know Jon Rooker - or at least I know somebody who'd like to think that he was that guy.

Thanks for sharing, and I wish you the inspiration to finish the story.

Elizabeth Twist said...

Great action scene. I think you've set an interesting challenge for yourself as a writer - giving your character lots of power, so that he can (with some effort, of course) get out of situations that would seem impossible for a normal person.

I would be interested to see what limitations you place on his powers, or what situations you put him in, to create difficulties for him. Because, you know, what's a narrative without difficulty?

Thanks for sharing. It's always nice to read well-executed action scenes.

Summer Frey said...

Okay, you had ME at telepathic CIA agent!

It doesn't get mentioned in my excerpt, but along with the time traveling, my MCs are also telepathic (MMC) and telekinetic (FMC). It's so badass; always been an obsession of mine.

Loved the excerpt! Especially when he smacked the cop in the face with the frying pan.

Jessica Lei said...

Great starting point--hooked me right in :D It gave me a Bourne feel (err, hope you were going for that?!)--which I love. (Spies are hot.) A few things pulled me out of the story, though, like "telepathically-hoodwinked." Just doesn't roll right for me among all the great action.

Trisha said...

Cool, I like it! wanna know what happens before, and after too :D

Jon Paul said...

Great movement in this scene! I liked the use of the telekinetic powers which amped each engagement up 'cuz you weren't sure what Jon would do next.

Nice job!

Ellie said...

I love the title of your nano novel - it had me hooked before even reading a word!

You've given us a great action scene and I definitely want to read more.

Teebore said...

@Anne: this was great and i can't wait to read more!

Thanks!

@kelworthfiles: a little bit James Bond-ish, (or James Bond with ESP,)

That's definitely what I was going for. Thanks!

@Elizabeth Twist: I would be interested to see what limitations you place on his powers, or what situations you put him in, to create difficulties for him.

Yeah, that's one of those things I spent a lot of time on as I was outlining the story. There definitely are some limitations to his power (it works better with physical contact, he can only maintain so many illusions/thoughts at one time, the more foreign the thought the harder it is to get someone to accept it, etc.).

It's always nice to read well-executed action scenes.

Thank you!

@Summer: It doesn't get mentioned in my excerpt, but along with the time traveling, my MCs are also telepathic (MMC) and telekinetic (FMC).

Okay, now I want to read your novel EVEN MORE!

It's so badass; always been an obsession of mine.

Me too! I'm (obviously) a big comic book nerd, and those sensibilities come across in a lot of my fiction writing.

Teebore said...

@Jessica: It gave me a Bourne feel (err, hope you were going for that?!)

Definitely! I'm not as huge a Bourne fan as I am of other espionage/action characters, but there's a few scenes like this one that are inspired by him.

@Trisha: Cool, I like it! wanna know what happens before, and after too

Thanks! Mission accomplished then!

@Jon Paul: Great movement in this scene!

Thank you!

@Ellie: I love the title of your nano novel - it had me hooked before even reading a word!

Thanks! I spent WAY too much time before NaNo started coming up with the title, so I'm glad you liked it.

And thanks everyone, for reading and commenting!

The Golden Eagle said...

Great action scene! I love the telekinesis/telepathy, and I definitely want to know more about the story now.

Teebore said...

@The Golden Eagle: Thanks!