To Better Know A Hero: Professor X

In memory of Isaac Hayes...

Who's the bald dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
(Prof!)
You're damn right

Who's the mutant
That risks his legs for his brother mutant?
(Prof!)
Can ya dig it?

Who's the teach that won't cop out
Unless there's alien tail about
(Prof!)
Right on

You see this cat Prof is a bald mother--
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about Prof
(Then we can dig it)

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but Cyclops
(Prof X)

Real Name: Charles Francis Xavier

First Appearance: X-Men #1 (September 1963)

Nicknames and Aliases: Chuck, Baldy, Onslaught

Powers and Abilities: Telepathy, including the ability to read minds and projects thoughts, even at great distances, take control of other minds, wipe or implant memories and thoughts, and enter the Astral Plane; (occasionally) low level telekinesis.

Weaknesses and Achilles’ Heels: Stairs.

Gadgets and Accessories: Cerebro (and more recently, Cerebra) a high tech computer capable of detecting mutants and amplifying the telepathic powers of the user; for a time, Xavier supplanted his more traditional wheel chair for a hover chair that utilized advanced alien Shi’Ar technology. He also owns a sweet mansion in upstate New York that serves as the X-Men’s headquarters and is fitted out with all kinds of high tech and alien upgrades (but it’s currently a pile of rubble).

Friends and Allies: The X-Men, Lilandra (his long time girlfriend, Empress of the Shi’Ar Empire) Legion (Daniel Haller, his son), Gabrielle Haller (his Baby Momma), Moira MacTaggert (his long time colleague, one-time love, acclaimed geneticist)

Foes and Antagonists: Magneto (Erik “Magnus” Lensherr, his friend and adversary), Juggernaut (Cain Marko, his step-brother), Cassandra Nova (his evil twin sister), the Shadow King, prejudice and intolerance.

Movies and Appearances: Professor X was played by Captain Picard in all three X-Men films. He was also a featured character on Fox’s animated series in the 90s and shows up just about anywhere else the X-Men appear in the media.

One-Sentence Origin: Born a mutant with vast telepathic powers, Professor X dedicates his life to bringing about peaceful co-existence between humans and mutants, and to that end, founded a school to serve as a haven for and teach young mutants, and formed the X-Men to defend humanity from those mutants who would rule over them.

Memorable Moment: X-Men (vol. 2) #25 (October 1993). After Magneto devastates Earth with a planet-wide electro- magnetic pulse, Professor X leads a small strike team of X-Men against Magneto abroad his orbital headquarters. During the battle, Magneto rips the adamantium from Wolverine’s bones, and Xavier, pushed to the limit, destroys Magneto’s mind, leaving him a mental vegetable and preventing him from doing any more harm (and inadvertently setting in motion Xavier’s later pseudo-transformation into the villainous Onslaught).

Fun Fact: In his lifetime, Professor X has managed to cripple two different bodies.

He originally lost the use of his legs when injured in battle with an advanced scout for an alien invasion (but not the same alien invasion he later went underground and lied to the X-Men in order to prevent).

After being implanted with a Brood embryo and transformed into a Brood Queen, Xavier's consciousness was transferred into a body cloned by the Starjammers. After overcoming a psychosomatic inability to walk, Xavier two-stepped his way through life until a battle with the Shadow King on the Astral Plane shattered the spine of his clone body, once again costing him the ability to walk.

Recently, in the wake of the Scarlet Witch’s alteration of reality which eliminated 90% of the world’s mutant population, Xavier lost his powers but regained the ability to walk. Apparently, as far as the Scarlet Witch is concerned “no more mutants” also means “no more paraplegics.” He has since regained his powers, but thus far, as managed to maintain his ability to walk. Third time’s the charm?

Teebore’s Take: For a writer, I can imagine Professor X is a tough nut to crack. He’s arguably one of the three or four most powerful mutants on the planet (alongside Magneto, the Scarlet Witch, and Franklin Richards (the son of the Fantastic Four’s Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman)) which means he should be able to do just about anything to solve the X-Men’s problems. Of course, when Chuck is solving all their problems, the fun of reading about the X-Men's adventures kind of goes away.

So to keep Xavier and his abilities around without creating incredibly dull X-Men stories, the solution has always been twofold: Xavier’s iconic (and thematically strong) circumstance of being a paraplegic, the greatest mind trapped in a weak, flawed body and a moral fortitude that prevents him from using his power to just change everyone’s mind about mutants. This keeps Xavier effectively sidelined from the main action of the X-Men where he can serve best as a mentor, teacher and inspirational figure, Martin Luther King Jr. to Magento’s Malcolm X. Even when this status quo is changed (as it is from time to time) and Xavier finds himself able to walk, other limitations are created to prevent Xavier from contributing too much to the X-Men’s adventures: he’s missing, he’s dead, he recognizes he’s not a field leader, he suffers injuries that inhibit his powers, he’s off in space with his girlfriend.

But the X-Men can never stray too far from Xavier. He may not be the most interesting character, or the easiest to write, but in the end, he and his dream for peaceful coexistence represent everything that separates the X-Men from other teams: they fight to bring about the vision of this idealist who dares to dream of a better world. Whether there as a character or as a symbol, Xavier is critical to the success of the X-Men. So no matter how long the detour, eventually Professor X makes his way back to the book, physically limited in some way to keep him out of the action, or unable to wield his power in such a manner as it renders the actions of the other characters moot, but he always makes it back. After all, there'd be no X-Men without Professor X.

Professor Xavier Is A Jerk!

You tell ‘em, Kitty.

Here’s a look at a few of Professor Xavier’s more prominent dick moves, in a career surprisingly littered with them for someone who’s made achieving tolerance and peaceful coexistence the life mission of himself and dozens and dozens of young men and women. And I'm not even counting the approximately 1,526 times Professor Xavier has been possessed by an evil power or temporarily turned evil.

"Ha ha! Fooled You!"

Throughout most the X-Men’s original run back in the sixties, Xavier was, for the most part, a dick. He was stern and authoritarian, brooking no sass mouth from his students, unafraid to alter a memory here or a impose his will on someone there, and nursing a creepy crush on Jean Grey. The zenith of his Silver Age dickery (an era that was a Golden Age of superhero dickery) came when, after learning of an incoming alien invasion, Xavier must go underground to prepare a defense against these invaders. For some reason, this must be done secretly, so he asks recently reformed shapeshifting villain Changeling to take his place and imbues him with a portion of his mental powers (hopefully, Xavier won’t need his full strength to defeat the aliens) so better maintain the ruse. The switch is made, and no one, not even his X-Men (except for Jean Grey) is told the truth. Kind of a dick move, especially when the Changeling gets himself killed, and the X-Men not only mourn his loss, but break up and go their separate ways for awhile (Jean Grey, sworn to secrecy, keeps quiet, using, I assume, her friends and teammates very real grief as a template for a very reasonable facsimile thereof), all while the real Xavier stays hidden in his underground bunker. Of course, once Xavier does pop out, saying “surprise, I’m not really dead!” the X-Men are too relieved at not being alien love slaves that they don’t give him the bitch-slapping he deserves.

And with that third mention of Changeling in as many posts, this blog has devoted more space to the 60s X-Men since that lewd Marvel Girl/Bernard the Poet fanfic site was taken down.

“She’s not just any stewardess…she’s a ten.”

For a bald guy in a wheel chair, Xavier always managed to get around, if you catch my drift. But while many were the ladies that he loved, far fewer were the ladies who could tear him away from his students and his dream. But when badly injured and dying, Xavier entrusts the well being of his school and his mission to a trying-to-be-a-better-guy Magneto. Moments later, Xavier’s alien girlfriend, hanging with the Starjammers, pops up, citing the advanced medicine aboard her ship as being the only thing that can save his life. All well and good for the short term, but when it becomes less convenient for the Starjammers to get Xavier back to earth, he figures “eh, what the hell. I deserve some time off. I’m sure Magneto’ll handle everything fine.”Of course, this stuck in the craw of some of Xavier’s older students, many of whom Magneto had been trying to kill since before they had zits and whom still greeted Magneto’s recent reformation with a certain amount of skepticism. But rather than help smooth over these rough edges, Xavier decided he’d rather hangout in space getting alien tail. Way to pull a Rod Belding, Chuck.

“I’m not your Baby-Daddy!”

Remember all those ladies I mentioned? Well, one of them was a woman named Gabriel Haller, a patient at a hospital in Israel specializing in helping Holocaust victims. Xavier worked there alongside Magneto for a time before founding the X-Men (real ethical, Chuck, sleeping with one of your patients). Well, the two did what recovering mental patients and their bald quasi-doctors are prone to do, but before you can say “honey, I’m late” Gabriel was kidnapped by Hydra, led by Baron Von Strucker, and Xavier and Magneto had to rescue her. Magneto left with some Nazi gold to jumpstart his evil plans and Xavier returned to America, parting amicably with Gaby but still ignorant of his love child, who happened to be an autistic mutant with multiple personality disorder. Only later, after Haller took her son to Moira MacTaggert (another old flame of Xavier’s) and Moira realized she was in over her head and called in Xavier, did he learn that he had a son named David (aka Legion). At which point he promptly promised to always be there for his son, except…he wasn’t.

Instead he left Legion in the care of Moira on Muir Island, where he was subsequently possessed by an old nemesis of Xavier, the Shadow King, whose defeat led to Legion entering a catatonic state. Rather than using his awesome mental powers to help the boy, Xavier instead decided to ignore him until Legion recovered on his own, more powerful and insane than ever, and subsequently went back in time to kill Magneto so that Xavier would have more time to spend with his son. Of course, Legion missed, killing Xavier instead, wiping himself from existence and creating a timeline in which Apocalypse ruled North America instead. Nice parenting there. Xavier should write a book.

“O Brother Where Art Thou?”

So remember when the original X-Men were captured by the living mutant island (don’t ask) Krakoa, and Professor Xavier recruited a new team of older, more international X-Men, including Storm, Wolverine, Colossus and Nightcrawler, to rescue the originals? Of course you do. Well, it turns out that second team was actually the third team he sent to rescue his original charges. Before turning to the likes of Banshee and Sunfire, Xavier called upon a group of four young mutants receiving tutelage from Moira MacTaggert on Muir Island, including Cyclops and Havok’s long lost brother. Of course, Moira wasn’t training her students for combat like Xavier did with his X-Men, but desperate, Chuck used his mental powers to “download” the necessary fighting abilities into Moira’s charges and sent them on their merry way. Of course, they failed miserably and were all believed dead-though they did manage to free Cyclops from Krakoa’s island-y clutches, who returned to lead Xavier’s second group of replacement X-Men, this time a group of more experienced individuals, in successfully rescuing the surviving original X-Men. Moria’s students? Still dead.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Xavier decided that the X-Men were so traumatized by the deaths that he wiped all knowledge of the events from their memories, so that as far as they were concerned, there was only one, successful, rescue attempt. And I’m sure Xavier did it for their own good, not just to cover up the fact that he was a giant dick who sent poorly trained students on a rescue mission that led to their deaths. Needless to say, when Cyclops's not-as-dead-as-they-thought but now-criminally-insane brother showed up and spilled the beans, Cyclops kicked Xavier out of the mansion and off the team.

At the time, Xavier was powerless, so he couldn’t just make everyone forget again. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure he would have.

Walking Out of the Shadows

A look at five villains-turned-X-Men.

Changeling: As mentioned before, Changeling was a minor 60s villain before having a change of heart and taking Professor X's place, before ultimately dying in the line of duty. Despite being the first X-Man to die in the line of duty, Changeling's transformation from villain to hero is still fairly minor, considering it was all done behind the scenes in a retcon.




Banshee: Debuting around the same time as Changeling, Banshee was forced into a short-lived career as a villain by an exploding headband (don't ask) before joining the All New, All Different X-Men when the original team was captured by a living island (don't ask). Banshee stayed on with the team for quite a while, before he temporarily lost his powers and shacked up with Moira MacTaggert. He eventually got his powers back, and lead Generation X as co-headmaster of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters alongside Emma Frost. Banshee recently died unceremoniously in Ed Brubaker's Deadly Genesis series.



Rogue: Often overlooked is the fact that Rogue's super-strength, invulnerability and flight powers were forcibly acquired from Ms. Marvel back when Rogue was rolling with her step-mom Mystique's Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Rogue also single-handedly took down the Avengers before going to Xavier for help in controlling her absorption power. Reluctantly accepted by an X-Men team she had battled in the past, Rogue proved herself to be a stalwart hero and mainstay of the team (even though Xavier proved to be less than successful in his meager attempts to help her control her power).





Magneto: The gradual reformation of Magneto from villain to hero was one of Chris Claremont's greatest accomplishments in his fifteen year tenure as X-Men writer. Beginning in Uncanny X-Men 150 when, following one his greater atrocities (the sinking of an attacking Russian submarine) Magneto almost killed the youngest X-Man, Kitty Pryde. Horrified by what he had almost done, Magneto began to slowly move away from his outright villainous ways. By Uncanny X-Men 200, Magneto had turned himself over to the World Court for trial (he was acquited on a technicality) and was asked by Xavier (who was leaving Earth with his alien girlfriend to receive needed medical attention) to become Headmaster of the school in his place. Taking the name Michael Xavier to pose as Professor X's cousin, he fought alongside the X-Men and mentored the New Mutants before his frustration with the continued degeneration of mutant/human relations caused him to seclude himself in Asteroid M. Seclusion was denied him, however, and he ultimately died saving the X-Men. Magneto got better, of course, but when he returned he was back to his more villainous ways. Of course, he now has a leg up on Xavier, citing the fact that while Magneto has walked Xavier's path of peaceful coexistence, Xavier has never tried Magneto's way.

Juggernaut: Probably the villain least likely to ever become an X-Man, Juggernaut's redemption was the sole bright spot in Chuck Austen's otherwise dismal run. Tired of constantly being chased by the authorities and the seemingly never ending back forth between him and the X-Men, Juggernaut finally took up Xavier's long standing offer of sanctuary. As an X-Man he struck up a strong and ultimately tragic friendship with a young student and infiltrated a new incarnation of the Brotherhood before being carted off to the pages of New Excalibur and whatever Modern Claremont wackiness ensued therein.

These Are The Mediocre X-Men Villains

Not all villains are created equal; for every Magneto, Juggernaut and Apocalypse there’s these guys. I will do my best to avoid populating this list with villains from the X-Men’s less-than-illustrious late 60s run (I could probably fill several such lists with the likes of Grotesk, the Colbalt Man and Factor Three).

Toad: First appearing as Magneto’s, well, toady in the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Mortimer Toynbee jumped the around the 60s in a jester suit, lusting after the Scarlet Witch. He tried to make it big in the 90s, leading his own incarnation of the Brotherhood, but it wasn’t too long before he was back to his simpering ways. Also, he recently experienced a secondary mutation that made him look more like Ray Park.

Mojo: The aforementioned ruler of the Mojoverse, Mojo belongs to a race of beings that lack a spine and rules his world by dominating the ratings, which he receives by broadcasting the X-Men’s adventures. He’s a villain that in no way, shape or form is thematically relevant to anything the X-Men are about, but at the same time, I enjoy a good Mojo story from time to time. There’s just something about how completely ill-fitting he is that is endearing.

The Vanisher: Teleportation doesn’t seem like a lame power, though it really isn’t that offensive of a power, but it certainly isn’t equivalent to the godlike omnipotence the Vanisher seems to think it grants him. Also, check out that costume. It’s no wonder this guy never made it to A-List status.

Count Nefaria: A leading member of the Maggia (Marvel’s mafia), Count Nefaria used an assortment of henchman (like the Ani-Men) to carry out his schemes before receiving his own super-powers. But his greatest accomplishment against the X-Men came in his suit-and-monocle days, when he managed to kill Thunderbird. The fact that Thunderbird is one of the few X-Men to actually stay dead helps put Nefaria in a fairly exclusive club.

Blob: Fred J. Dukes possesses the one mutant power each and every one of us could one day possess: he’s really, really fat. Also, in his first appearance, before joining Mystique’s Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Blob was a side show attraction that led his co-workers in an attack on Xavier’s school. That’s right, Blob’s a carnie, a King among Men.

These Are the Mediocre X-Men

This month Uncanny X-Men will see its 500^th issue ship (shh…don’t tell anyone that a chunk of those issues were reprints!) which is a pretty big deal for me, as there is no title I have read longer or have more issues of than Uncanny X-Men. The X-Men were my gateway characters into the wide world of comics, and no matter where I go in that world, they have always remained favorites. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I thought I’d spend a few posts with various aspects of the X-Men and their history.

First up is a look at five lesser known X-Men, the characters you likely won’t see making it into any movies. They are the Zachary Taylor, John Tyler, Millard Fillmore, Rutherford B. Hayes and William Henry Harrison of the X-Men.

Xorn: A Chinese mutant introduced during Grant Morrison’s defining run, his mutant power was having a small star for a brain that granted him healing and energy manipulation powers (like many Morrisonian ideas, it’s best not to think about the whole “star for a brain” thing for too long, and just roll with how cool that sounds). Xorn wore a full metal helmet that contained the awesome power of his star and prevented the world from being sucked in by its gravity. It turned out that Xorn was actually Magneto in disguise (Xorn’s helmet shielded his thoughts from Professor X). And it’s best to leave Xorn’s tale there, before Chuck Austen showed up and muddled things with talk of twin brothers and Magneto clones.

Sunfire: An arrogant SOB who was officially a member of the X-Men for one issue (Giant Size X-Men 1) before quitting in a huff, Sunfire is a Japanese mutant with fire related abilities. He fought the original X-Men once before joining the team, and remained a reluctant ally before recently being brainwashed by Apocalypse into becoming one of his Horsemen and later joining the most recent incarnation of Mr. Sinister’s Marauders alongside Gentlemen of Leisure man-crush Gambit. Also, Sunfire is a cousin of one-time Wolverine fiancé Mariko Yashida, and received one of the worst 90s costume updates, ever:

From retro cool to shiny and Man-Pretty

Maggot: Introduced as part of a trio of new X-Men during Joe Kelly’s brief run in the mid-90s, alongside Marrow and Cecilia Reyes, Maggot is easily the weirdest of the bunch. His mutant power somehow involves his digestive system transforming into a pair of large metallic-for-some-reason slugs that eat for him, enabling him to continue living and also gain increased strength and the ability to project some kind of energy. Apparently, all the sensible powers were taken by this point. Being the 90s, Maggot was of course mysterious and brooding when introduced. At first he was a big, bounty hunter type character, but eventually was subtly changed to a South African teen. Magneto was involved in his origin at one point, too. It was all kind of pointless and bizarre. After realizing he was a teenager, Maggot shuffled off to Generation X for a few issues before being forgotten for awhile. Eventually he was dusted off to become cannon fodder.

Changeling: In the longstanding tradition of X-Men villains becoming heroes (that could be a post unto itself…) Changeling was one of the earliest characters to do so, though his conversion is certainly the most ignominious. Changeling, as the name suspects, was a shape changer, not unlike Mystique, who was a member of the short-lived 60s villain team Factor Three. Turns out he tired of his villainous ways, and approached Professor X, asking how he could make a positive difference. Xavier’s solution? He imbued Changeling with a portion of his psychic powers, somehow, and had the Changeling pose as Xavier while the real Xavier went underground to prepare for a forthcoming alien invasion. Of course, no one told the X-Men (or the readers) about this until well after Changeling, posing as Xavier, was killed in action and the X-Men mourned his loss. It was the first of many dick moves on ol’ Chucks part, and one of the first major X-Men retcons. “The Xavier that died? Yeah, that wasn’t me, that was Changeling, your old enemy, who wanted to be a hero and took my place, none of which anyone knew until just now, when I ‘miraculously’ returned from the dead.” At least the real Xavier stopped the invasion…

Longshot: Ah, Longshot, a favorite of many 80s comic readers. Longshot hails from an interdimensional realm ruled by a lump of fat called Mojo, named, appropriately enough, the Mojoverse, in which TV rules, and the events in “our” world are broadcast as entertainment to the spineless masses. Longshot was bred to fight in the broadcast arenas for ratings and escaped to Earth, where he joined the X-Men. Longshot possesses three fingers on each hand, for some reason, hollow bones, which help increase his agility, an ability to hurl small knives, a mutant luck power that helps things work out in his favor, a yellow star-ish thing that flashes when he uses it, and the greatest power of all, an awesome 80s mullet. Longshot hung with the X-Men for a while, where he knocked boots with Dazzler, then the pair went back to the Mojoverse to lead a rebellion.