MLB Headlines Week 25

Yeah, Pessi-Bitz is back. Let's just go over the facts. The Twins pretty much choke against the Royals but manage to salvage a game. The White Sox do something similar but win their one game against the Tigers to force the one game playoff. They do it in semi-dramatic fashion giving them the momentum.
So, you've got the Twins going against the White Sox who have all the momentum playing at the White Sox stadium. The Twins are a terrible road team and the White Sox are a great home team. To top it all off, The Twins manager is saying "Hey, we nobody thought we'd even be in this position. So we're happy to have gotten this far." Which would be fine if you already lost the division, the manager should put some positive spin on it, but when you still got a chance you should not talk about being happy with just settling.
I'll let you do the math on who I feel will win Tuesday night.
Oh, and naming the new Twins ballpark "Target Field" is dumb also. There should only be one "stadium" with the name Target in it in the same city. I mean, what's the over/under on people confusing Target Center with Target Field in casual conversation?
Oh, and I predict that Mauer loses the Batting Average title on Tuesday while the Twins lose. How's that for pessimism?

www.mlb.com Headline of the Week:
With a Win, Mets can live to see another Shea

It's funny, cause they didn't. Now Shea stadium is being torn down. I suppose I'll give a nod to a sign I saw in the Metrodome on last Tuesday that said "I have fever, and the only cure is more Kubel" which was cool since he hit two home runs in that game.

Dr. Bitz:
September 27th, 2008 - Royaks 4 Twins 2
Royal choke job by Twins

September 28th, 2008 - Rays 8 Tigers 7
Lambert lambasted in eleventh

September 28th, 2008 - Pirates 6 Padres 1
Pirates not friendly to pitcher LeBlanc

Teebore:
September 28th, 2008 - Royals 0 Twins 6
Offense cooks up a half dozen runs for Baker but only the White Sox can make it a sweet finale

September 28th, 2008 - Marlins 4 Mets 2
No playoffs in New York as Mets "Shea" goodbye to their stadium and their season

September 28th, 2008 - Cubs 1 Brewers 3
CC clutch against Cubs as Braun powers Brewers into playoffs

I know you're going to say that I'm just being bitter and pessimistic with the first pun. And you're right. But that loss Saturday really sticks in my craw. The Friday loss I can handle. I could accept the Twins going 2 of 3 against the Royals and Friday was the predictable "let down" game. But the Saturday loss was unacceptable. They had so many chances to win that game and they blew all of them. And if the Twins won that game (and the subsequent one) they wouldn't have to worry about going to Chicago.
Anyway, I won last week. And I think I take the crown of the best punner this baseball season. I have 11 Wins and 5 ties. Teebore has 7 wins and 4 ties. So this week doesn't really factor in...but keep up the voting anyway!

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10:58 AM: Well, if you didn't read the summation last week, the championship is two weeks long. If it was just one week I would've won. But after the first week my team collapsed while his did awesome. Still, I had a good Saturday, partially due to the Twins imploding, and this is how it looks:
R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 50 15 50 2 .257 8 11 116 4.75 1.43
Him: 54 14 63 9 .278 8 9 92 4.35 1.31

I'm losing 6-3 at the moment. I have a change at Wins and Runs, but I need on more category, which will be tough. But MAYBE ERA, WHIP, or Average. But it looks bleak. And due to me being...uh...drunk last night I forgot to use my last add on a pitcher. We'll see if it will cost me, as I'd probably take whoever is today's Royals pitcher, Duckworth, to hedge my bets. Which is a bit ominous...But let's see what happens.

1:00 PM: Yahoo's live stat tracker isn't working. Which will make my log harder. Stupid Yahoo...I'm sick of them. Anyway, both Scott Olsen, my pitcher, Carlos Delgado, and Alex Rodriguez are in rain delays. Awesome.

1:39 PM: So I've got Juan Uribe up to the plate with bases loaded in the White Sox game in a tie game. I figure whatever happens is good for me...unless of course Uribe reaches on an error. Which happened. White Sox take the lead but my fantasy team gets no help. Vikings just miss a field goal and are down by 10 at the half. The Twins are playing like a noose is around their neck...it's shaping up to be a great day.

2:08 PM: Scott Olsen has pitched 4 Innings with no runs, two hits, and no walks. I can tell you that that's a 0.00 ERA and 0.50 WHIP, what that means for my team? I have no idea because of stupid Yahoo.

2:09 PM: An error gives the Twins a man on first and third with 1 out, then they hit Delmon Young to load the bases. If I didn't know better, I'd think the Royals WANT the Twins to win the division. Now if only Cleveland can hold up their end of the bargain.

2:15 PM: And the Royals screw up a throw to home and the Twins score. The Royals DO want the Twins to win.

2:16 PM: Just like yesterday, the Twins were one hit away from breaking the game open and relieving the pressure that's been building up. Just like yesterday, the Twins failed to get that one big hit. And I have a feeling, that just like yesterday that failure will bite the Twins in the ass.

2:21 PM: Hey, live scoring is back! And I'm still losing 3-6. Awesome!

2:26 PM: Pujols...hehehe...is 1 for 2 with an RBI and was taken out of the game. God I love end of the season baseball...that's sarcasm. And probably a good reason fantasy baseball should end a week earlier. But perhaps I'm just bitter.

2:33 PM: "Professor" Xavier Nady stabbed me in the back and hit a 3 run homer. I'm losing 6-2 now.

2:45 PM: Justin Morneau popped out. Right now, he's the biggest reason the Twins are struggling. I'm shocked the Twins swept the White Sox the way he played. And frankly, regardless of whether the Twins win the division or not, Morneau does not deserve the MVP. It looks like that honors should go to Dustin Pedroia.

2:57 PM: Joey Votto hits a home run. I'm once again leading that category.

3:08 PM: Jermaine Dye hit a 2 run single. I think my fantasy team is so far out of it that I can't even be remotely happy about it.

3:42 PM: Well, the Twins finally get a clutch hit with Delmon Young's two run single. Looks like the Twins should be winning that game...but the White Sox already wonn. And I just can't see them losing to the Tiger's tomorrow. Looks like a one game playoff is in our future.

4:26 PM: Twins win. I'm still going to lose my championship. Like I said before, I'm sure the White Sox will win tomorrow, so I'm nervous about the Twins playing in U.S. Cellular field.

6:47 PM: I've done the math...and I shouldn't have. According to my calculations, if I picked up Duckworth last night to hedge my bets, which I probably would've done if I wasn't drunk, I would've tied WHIP and won ERA. Making the final 4-4 and giving me the tie breaker in ERA and thus garnering me the championship...and I'm bitter...and pissed at myself...and I don't want to talk about it.

10:44 PM: I suppose I have to do a prologue...:

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 54 16 57 2 .265 9 11 131 4.35 1.32
Him: 57 16 69 10 .269 8 9 94 4.29 1.30

Yeah...I lose 6-3. But I really think that if I picked up Duckworth on Saturday instead of pass out I would've won 4-4. *sigh*

Nemesis of The Week:
Me...for being an idiot.

Savior of The Week:
No savior...it would've been Duckworth.

The Moral of this week's story is that winners don't drink booze. Take it from me.

MLB Headlines Week 24

Well, it's gut check time for the Twins. It's kind of weird. Being 2 1/2 games back doesn't sound like a lot, but when you realize there are only 6 games remaining and you start doing the math...it almost feels like the Twins need to win the rest of their 6 games to get into the playoffs.
They certainly need to sweep the White Sox. But we'll see. You'll be shocked to hear that I'm not optimistic.

www.mlb.com Headline of the Week:
Dice-K rolls a one; Sox on verge of October Date

Apparently the Red Sox magic number is one...I wish the Twins' magic number was one....

Teebore:
September 20th, 2008 - Twins 2 Rays 7
Bad outing by Slowey speeds the Rays into the playoffs

September 22nd, 2008 - Mets 6 Braves 7
Braves beat Mets as beleaguered bullpen biffs it again

September 22nd, 2008 - Red Sox 3 Blue Jays 0
Dice-K sends Jays south for the winter

Dr. Bitz:
September 21st, 2008 - Twins 4 Rays 1
Twins sting the Rays

September 21st, 2008 - Phillies 5 Marlins 2
Chase-d by the Mets, Utley unleashes a homer inching Phillies closer to the postseason

September 21st, 2008 - Tigers 5 Indians 10
Detroit's Dontrelle destroyed

Well last week Teebore and I tied at one vote a piece. I think this time it was just he and I voting for each other. Don't worry folks. Only one week left.

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No real log this week, since the finals are 2 weeks long. Which of course means if the championship was one week, like every other week of fantasy baseball, I would've won. But of course they have to give me a whole other week to blow it. And we all know I will. Especially since the iron fist of boots~ laid down a decree that the 2nd place winner in the playoffs gets $20 less than they were supposed to. So I know I'm going to get screwed...but here's how it looks after a week:

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 27 8 25 2 .231 5 6 67 4.03 1.21
Him: 30 8 36 6 .257 5 5 36 4.47 1.47

So yeah, we're tied. But I won ERA, so if it ended after just one week I would've won the championship. But it's not over, and as of tonight, I'm already losing 5-2...including ERA. Awesome.

A Poetic Celebration of Dr. Bitz's Fantasy Baseball Team

For two seasons of Fantasy Baseball now, Dr. Bitz and I have had a standing wager: whenever we'd play each other, head to head, we agreed that the loser of that matchup would have to write up a blog post about how awesome the winner's team is.

If you can believe it, in two seasons we never reached a decisive conclusion: we'd either tie (in which case, technically, whomever had the better ERA would be declared the winner, but we agreed that didn't seem like a REAL victory, worth bragging about) or else face each other during the week shortened by the All Star game (in which we agreed to void our bet since it was a short week; good thing, too, because this season Dr. Bitz CRUSHED me 9-1 that week).

Until now.

That's right, with Dr. Bitz's decisive 6-4 victory over me in the championships last week, we finally have winner in our little wager. Sadly, I was the loser.

So without further ado, here is a poetic celebration of the awesomeness of Dr. Bitz's Fantasy Baseball team.

Mighty Yankee
A-Rod swings the bat.
In awe stands Jesus himself
reborn a Yankee

A Man Named Randy
There once was a pitcher named Randy.
His fastball and slider were dandies.
When facing his foes,
his pitches said "no!"
For at striking out batters he was handy.

Ode to a Second Basemen*








*this space left blank because Dr. Bitz's second basemen went on the disabled list early in the week, and his team is so good, it didn't need a healthy one to beat me.

B is for Baseball

Albert Pujols knocks 'em home,
While Dan Haren strikes 'em out,
Ethier keeps on hittin'.
Swing and a miss!
Opposing teams hear.
Many runs are scored.
Every player's a star!

Second
For many kids, hitting a Major League homer is a dream
Most pros are happy hitting one in a game it seems
But for Carlos Delgado, second-half savior
Hitting two home runs in a game is routine.

Talkin' Baseball
(sung to the tune of Talkin' Softball...or the original Talkin' Baseball song, both by Terry Cashman).

Well, Dr. Bitz had done it.
His Skynet team had won it.
With Fausto Carmona sucking
all the while.

Jay Bruce's rookie season
made us swoon.
While Bedard spent the season in
the doctor's room.

We're talkin'...
Baseball.
From Blaine to Mahtomedi.
Talkin'...
Baseball.
Shoppach, Pujols and Dye.

Tejada, and his spicy hits and runs
Ethier, who always get it done.
We're talking homers...
Relievers, and A-Rod.

We're talkin'...
Baseball.
From Blaine to Mahtomedi.
Talkin'...
Baseball.
Shoppach Pujols and Dye.

Tejada, and his spicy hits and runs
Ethier, who always get it done.
We're talking homers...
Relievers, and A-Rod.

Consider my hat off to you, Dr. Bitz. Well played.

MLB Headlines Week 23

It is with a heavy heart that I write this, as explained by our headline of the week:

Dr. Bitz's fantasy baseball team advances to the league championship game by defeating Teebore's team.

Here's some headlines more punny in nature:

Dr. Bitz:
9/13/2008 Twins 12 Baltimore 2
Denard helps Twins span the gap against the White Sox with a multi-homer game.

9/13/2008 Rays 5 Yankees 6
Xavier erases any thought of a Rays win

9/13/2008 Royals 8 Indians 3
Carmona crapola against Kansas City

Teebore:
9/14/2008 Twins 3 Orioles 7
Five homers help Orioles fly high over the Twins

9/14/2008 Pirates 7 Cardinals 2
Pirates weekend sweep sinks St. Louis

9/13/2008 Blue Jays 8 Red Sox 1
Byrd flies the coop after crappy start

Voting to your left. Remember, a vote for Dr. Bitz is a vote for everything you are against.

It may look like Dr. Bitz won this contest last week, but a recount shows that I, in fact, won. Any calls for additional recounts by Dr. Bitz will be overturned by the Supreme Court, which ruled it best we just move on (wow, a 2000 election joke? Really Teebore? Seriously, what am I going to do next, make a crack about N*Sync?).

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No Sunday log this week, as Dr. Bitz was too busy cruising the sunny seas and my team had this thing lost regardless of what happened Sunday. I suppose my team could have hit five home runs to take that category and then pitch well enough to retake WHIP, but what kind of team can hit five home runs in one day all the while his opponent's team hits none?

Oh, that's right, Dr. Bitz's team did that on Tuesday.

Here's how things ended between us:
R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 24 8 26 5 .226 5 2 68 5.01 1.56
Him: 33 11 44 0 .369 2 1 34 3.83 1.53

Sadly, I was pretty well dominated in 4 of the 5 hitting categories (but my team was able to outrun his lumbering behemoth of a team) so my only hope of a victory was to hang on to steals and force a 5-5 tie in which I had the better ERA (the Yahoo tie breaking category). Of course, this didn't happen when:

A. Dr. Bitz figured this out and conceded wins, strikeouts and saves to me by benching his crappy starters and his various relievers in the hope that without them damaging his ERA , he could take that category and thus force a win in the event of a tie, under the assumption that my team would pitch itself out of contention

B. My team pitched itself out of contention.

In the end, all our ERA-inspired shenanigans were for naught, as my pitching sucked enough to blow that category and WHIP to give him a 6-4 victory. Maybe, just maybe, if he had kept Fausto "Crapola" Carmona and a couple of other starters in the game, his ERA and WHIP would have ballooned enough that I could have taken it all. But I doubt it. Or maybe my team could have hit better than .226 on the week. Either way, the approximately one hundred and sixty four home runs Nick Blackburn gave up in the Twins game yesterday certainly didn't help.

Nemesis of the Week:
So many to choose from. Kelly Shoppach had 7 runs, 3 homers, 7 RBI and a .500 average: as a catcher. But then again, my catcher has done his fair share of damage throughout the season too. Andre Ethier and his .529 average seemed to get a hit every bloody time he came up to bat. But I think my nemesis this week is obvious: the traitorous rookie phenom Jay Bruce. He only had 4 runs, 2 homers and 4 RBI but this week, but Bruce and I have history together. He was supposed to be the GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYER EVER when he was called up mid-season and I felt pretty good nabbing him back then. After a deceivingly torrid start which led me to reject several trade offers (including one from Dr. Bitz in which I would have acquired potential AL MVP Carlos Quentin) Bruce cooled down considerably, forcing me to drop him. His game has picked back up a bit lately, though certainly not to the level expected of him. Still, his help in finishing me off this week was a betrayal most bitter. Et tu, Bruce?

Savior of the Week:
No savior for me, as I must now move on to the consolation match and battle for my pride and third place. I prayed to Jesus over the course of the week, but he never showed. Like seemingly everyone else on my team, he probably had a sore hamstring.

The moral of this week's story is that you can't pin your hopes of winning the week on winning the ERA category. At least I went down swinging against a worthy opponent, and not someone who wasn't even paying attention. And finally, the two season long Fantasy Baseball bet between Dr. Bitz and I comes to a decisive conclusion. But more on that later...

Also, I know how Dr. Bitz's brother felt last Sunday. In one day, I ended my fantasy baseball playoff run, was eliminated from Survival Football by a 33-30 San Fransisco win over the Seahawks in overtime, and the Twins failed to sweep a vastly inferior team. Plus, the Vikings blew a 15-0 lead and never scored a touchdown. Booyah!

MLB Headlines Week 22

Just finished watching the Vikings game. Frankly, it looked like a healthy dose of same old, same old. After the last game of last season, I could've fallen asleep, woken up today, watched this game, and I would've said, "Yeah, that looks about right. Jared Allen who? Bernard Berrian who?" You couldn't find those guys with a flashlight.
And don't even get me started on the Twins. Let's just say they're as done as a team can be when being out of the division lead by "only" 2 1/2 games.
Oh well, I suppose there's no reason to gripe. After September 10th, none of this will matter.

www.mlb.com Headline of the Week:
D-backs unable to Dodge sweep in Los Angeles

By the way, it's hard to say D-backs without sounding like you're saying d-bags.

Teebore:
September 5th, 2008 - Tigers 2 Twins 10
A Grand return as Morneau's Slam sweetens homecoming

September 6th, 2008 - Cubs 14 Reds 9
Alfonso Soriano a-soarin' as three homers help put the Reds in the black

September 5th, 2008 - Diamondbacks 0 Dodgers 7
Dodgers exterminate Diamondbacks lead with weekend sweep.

Dr. Bitz:
September 7th, 2008 - Tigers 7 Twins 5
Ryan rockets his first hit over the fence as the Tigers trash the Twins...again

September 7th, 2008 - Phillies 3 Mets 6
Carlos marvelous in win again Phills

September 7th, 2008 - Red Sox 7 Rangers 2
Byrd poops on the Rangers

I won last week. This week I'm going for world domination!!!

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10:00 AM: Well, it's do or die time, back against the wall, gut check time, win or go home, and any other cliche you can think of. It's the playoffs and I'm going against my brother, to really up the ante. Here's how it shook out so far:
R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 36 8 28 1 .322 3 8 50 4.61 1.31
Him: 17 3 18 2 .267 3 2 33 2.31 0.99

I'm in the catbird's seat. However, keep in mind the tie breaker in Yahoo goes to ERA, so all my brother has to do is tie 5-5 but win ERA (which he pretty much has wrapped up) and he wins the week. And it's very possible for him to take Wins or Strike Outs. I have one pitcher and he has three going today, one of which is Johan Santana. I have Wandy Rodriguez, who gets a lot of strikeouts, and he has Cliff Lee who doesn't, so it's Pedro Martinez who will be the difference maker. I'm nervous.
I would've picked up a lot more pitchers, but I picked up Adam Ethier to start the week, who has been a good pick up. Carlos Quentin's forearm is, like, shattered or something, so I picked up Rookie Phenom Jay Bruce. That only left two add for pitchers. I got Pettite, who netted me 9 strike outs to match Francisco Liriano's, and then I picked up Oakland's Scott Olsen, who only had 2 strike outs but got me a Win. If there wasn't this stupid add limit, I'd be owning this Sunday. Instead, I'll be sweating it out, but we'll see what happens.

12:20 PM: First batter of the day is Brandon "I'm almost always the first batter of the day and generally do nothing" Phillips. He strikes out.

12:40 PM: And now Rookie Phenom Jay Bruce was hit by a pitch. Steal! Steal! Steal!

12:43 PM: The next guy walked and now the bases are loaded. So no steal for Jay Bruce.

1:15 PM: OK, The Mets game has started. This is where the real "fun" begins.

1:16 PM: Miguel Cabrera singles against the Twins for my brother. So obviously my brother hates the Twins. I like the Twins, which is why Jermaine dye struck out swinging.

1:19 PM: Pedro Martinez is perfect through an inning, but no strike outs. so that's good. Wouldn't mind if he gave up a few runs though.

1:50 PM: Alright, I'm showered and panted. Let's see what's going on. The Unfortunately Named Albert Pujols got me a two run homer. I approve of that. Pedro Martinez gave up a couple of runs, that's good. 2 strike outs by Cliff Lee and Pedro Martinez so far. Not bad...but lets keep the strikeout totals low.

2:00 PM: Vladimir Guerrero stole a base...no fantasy impact but my team could learn from that.

2:18 PM: Wandy Rodriguez has just started pitching for me...and he gave up a single. That doesn't sound like a strike out to me. Luckily Pedro just gave up a 3 run homer. Hopefully he's knocked out of the game soon.

2:19 PM: Big Poppi Punto just stole a base. Again, my team could learn something. Then again, it's easier to steal when you're on base. My team is 2 for 12 right now. And one of those was a home run.

2:23 PM: Ahhhh....2 strike outs for Wandy Rodriguez so far. That's the stuff.

2:24 PM: Of course Cliff Lee just got a strike out. But that's because there were men on base. And Cliff Lee always gets exactly what he needs exactly when he needs it.

2:26 PM: BOOM! Another strike out for Wandy Rodriguez. 3 Strike Outs in the first inning. If Wandy was a stripper, his name would be Kandy.

2:33 PM: What the flippin' hell!? Wandy Rodriguez was pinch hit for in the 2nd inning? He's out of the game? First Randy Johnson is scratched due to a bad back, and now this? Why does the world hate me?

2:35 PM: At least Pedro Martinez is out of the game. Only one strike out and no win for him. Now if only Cliff Lee could not get a win. I might as well wish for the ability to crap gold.

2:41 PM: "HOUSTON PITCHER WANDY RODRIGUEZ LEFT THE GAME IN THE TOP OF THE SECOND INNING DUE TO A STRAINED LEFT OBLIQUE." Which of course hurts me for next week too...assuming I get to next week.

2:43 PM: Miguel Cabrera hits a home run because like Teebore, my brother hates the Twins.

2:52 PM: Dan Wheeler comes into the game to pitch an inning and nets me a strike out. Always appreciated.

2:57 PM: Cliff Lee just gave up a run. Didn't know that was possible. He's still ahead by 2 runs though. And got another strike out. Stupid Cliff Lee.

2:58 PM: Breaking News: Twins suck...that is all.

3:18 PM: Mike Gonzalez pitched a scoreless inning with a strike out in the top of the 9th of a tied game. If Atlanta can get a run in bottom of the 9th I get a vulture win. Oh yeah, and the Twins REALLY suck.

3:31 PM: No vulture win. Stupid Atlanta offense.

3:35 PM: Andre Ethier singles to center. I like him so much...it's like I'm sniffing ether! I'm here all day folks.

3:36 PM: Cliff Lee's out of the game with a total of 5 strike outs. Acceptable. Even more so if Rafael Perez give up the lead to cost Lee the win. Let's see.

3:57 PM: Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez grounds out. He's 0 for 2 today, and has yet to get a hit this weekend....against a Seattle team known for its terrible pitching. A-Rod's beginning to annoy me.

4:04 PM: Cleveland wins. Cliff Lee gets the win. What else is new?

5:13 PM: Argh, so Johnathon Papelbon was brought into the game even though it wasn't a save situation. And now hes got a strike out. Stupid Red Sox.

5:38 PM: Someone must have put a sliding glass door on first base because Stupid Hunter Pence stole second. Now I'm down by two stolen bases.

5:39 PM: Anyway, my brother's day pitchers are done for the day, but the fearful Johan Santana still has to pitch in the night game. Basically, if Johan gets 18 Strikeouts, I lose the week. Not likely, but if anybody can do it...or Carlos Delgado could get two stolen bases. Bwa-ha-ha-ha. Sorry, I have to wipe the tears from my eyes.

7:24 PM: We're through one inning in New York. Santana has a strike out. I can handle that ratio.

7:49 PM: Another inning, another strike out. Still not terrible.

8:10 PM: Ugh...Johan struck out the side. Not happy about that.

8:13 PM: Delgado hit a meaningless home run. Too bad those don't count as stolen bases.

8:26 PM: Santana gets through another inning. But no strike outs. So that's good.

8:45 PM: Another inning, another strikeout. I think I'm safe. But we'll see. Also, another meaningless homer by Delgado. Save some for next week!

9:00 PM: Another inning for Johan and no strike out. Unless he pitches into extra innings, there's no way he can get enough strike outs to beat me. This means I get the pleasure of losing to Teebore next week!

9:32 PM: After one out in the 7th, Johan is out of the game. I win by 11 strike outs.

10:00 PM: Night game is officially over. This is how it looks:

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 43 11 35 1 .305 3 8 57 4.29 1.27
Him: 21 5 21 3 .275 5 2 46 2.83 1.09

Well, my hitting did well. And 8 saves is a lot. But it came down to Strike Outs, and I eeked out the category. It would have been even closer if my brother didn't forget to put Santana in on Monday who had 10 Strike Outs. But I'm glad I won by more than 10 so the victory doesn't feel tainted. But, I think my team will have to do better to beat Teebore's team next week. The way I hear it, he has a fool proof plan for beating me. So we'll see.

Nemesis of The Week:
We'll say Cliff Lee, because he annoys me. 2 Wins, 9 Strike Outs, 0.55 ERA, and a 0.80 WHIP. That's sick.

Savior of The Week:
A-Rod did get 9 Runs, 3 Home Runs, 10 RBI, a Steal, and had a .346 Batting Average. But his hitless weekend pissed me off. I should also note that newly acquired Andre Ethier had 9 Runs, 2 Home Runs, 8 RBI, and a .667 Average. But I'll go to the pitching side. Andy Pettite's 9 strike out game (3.86 ERA, 1.14 WHIP) was big to keep pace with Francisco Liriano.

The Moral of this week's story is that I'm glad I'm not my brother. Not only did he lose to me this week and was knocked out of the playoffs, but he had Tom Brady on his fantasy football team whose out for the season, and in his Survivor League he picked San Diego who lost on the last play of a game. My TV and computer would no longer be functioning if I were him. I won't be around next week to catalog my inevitable loss to Teebore. But we'll see.

MLB Headlines Week 21

I suppose the first order of business is to wish everyone a Happy Labor Day. Of course, by the time you read this it'll probably be Tuesday, and you'll all be working like chumps. I on the other hand........will be working like a chump too. Sucks, don't it?
Anyway, color me worried about the Twins. Sure they won big on Sunday, but on Saturday Nathan blew a save big time. And that's two blown saves in a week, each leading to a loss. But the worst thing about Saturday's loss is not just that Nathan blew a save, he looked completely panicked. And if you can't rely on Joe Nathan anymore, then the whole season is up in the air. Then again, the Twins have been known to surprise me before. So we'll see.

http://www.mlb.com/ Headline of the Week:
Brewers Have the Cards' number, and it's Wild

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cards...Cardinals...Wild Card. We get it.

Dr. Bitz:
August 31st, 2008 - Brewers 7 Pirate 0
Brewers brutalize Pittsburgh and CC bathes in victory once again

August 31st, 2008 - Twins 12 Atheletics 4
Twins score a Baker's dozen and secure Scott's success

August 31st, 2008 - White Sox 4 Red Sox 2
Sock it Thome! Two-run homer rockets White Sox to a win over Boston

Teebore:
August 31st, 2008 - Dodgers 8 Diamondbacks 1
Dodgers defeat Diamondbacks in desert duel

August 31st, 2008 - White Sox 4 Red Sox 2
Thome homer helps halt Hosiery Hoedown sweep

August 30th, 2008 - Twins 2 Athletics 3
Blown Opportunity: Bad throw on bunt scores Brown, blows save.

I won last week. Voting to the left. You know the drill.

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11:00 AM: For the past few weeks my team has been hitting thirty to forty RBI and Runs. This week, my team collapsed. My collapse topped off on Friday when my hitters combined for 4 hits and a Run. Much like the Twins, my team is falling apart, complete with closers blowing it and everything!

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 24 6 19 1 .254 2 4 58 4.96 1.27
Him: 32 4 22 7 .335 1 5 43 5.85 1.53

I'm going against boots~ this week. He's got 4 starting pitchers going today and I have three. (I picked up Oakland's pitcher who's facing the Twins today for...obvious reasons.) Thanks to my closers combining for 6 Runs in 3 innings yesterday, my ERA and WHIP sky rocketed. Runs, Steals, and Average is his. The rest of the categories are up for grabs. But I don't really care how well I do against boots~ this week, I just have to make sure my sister doesn't win 3 more categories than I do. Or else it's no playoffs for me.

12:30 AM: First batter of the day is Carlos Delgado...and he grounds out to first. No surprise there.

1:12 PM: Not a whole lot going on. I got a run and am 2 for 8. I'm very happy to see that both Brandon Phillips and Jermaine Dye are benched because they want to screw me over. Stupid baseball holding a grudge against me.

1:14 PM: Wandy Rodriguez managed to get out of the first inning without any runs scored. Gave up two hits though, which is lame. Although one of those hits was from Mr. Pooh Holes himself, so I guess that's acceptable.

1:17 PM: Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez finally remembered who he is this week and hit a solo home run.

1:25 PM: Sometimes I'm really slow on the uptake. Two of my pitchers are facing each other. Wandy Rodriguez and Todd Wellemeyer. That should mean a Win for my team is inevitable, right?

1:29 PM: Two of boots~'s pitchers are struggling. Pettite and Matt Cain current have a 9 ERA. Pettite's through 4 innings and Cain's through 5. So that's good. And apparently Carlos Zambrano who was supposed to pitch is not for unknown reasons. I'm not complaining.

1:34 PM: And now Cain's been taken out of the game. 5 Innings, 5 Runs. Me likes.

1:40 PM: According to TBS, Zambrano is out due to a 'tired arm'. Poor baby.

1:41 PM: I dropped "Do it all" Doumit for Kelly Shoppach for a multitude of reasons not the least of which because Shoppach's been on a roll. It paid off because Shoppach's in the lineup today and Doumit is not. Shoppach also just hit a double. So that's good. Could use some RBI though.

2:00 PM: Way-Rod gave up two lead off singles but a double play and strikeout got him out of the inning. I always feel like a double play should count as a negative hit towards a pitchers WHIP. Like instead of WHIP being (Walks + Hits)/Innings Pitched it should be (Walks + Hits - Double Plays)/Innings Pitched. Just a though. Although that formula wouldn't have as cool of name as WHIP.

2:07 PM: Pettite has been taken out of the game. No win for him. It's really shaping up like I'm going to Win wins.

2:09 PM: According to TBS the White Sox managed to "manufacture" a run. Does hitting two two out doubles really count as "manufacturing" a run?

2:12 PM: Carlos Delgado is up to bat with two men on and two outs. I wonder what's going to happen? (Here's a hint: It starts with "S" and ends with "trike Out")

2:13 PM: "Delagado struck out looking."

2:17 PM: Despite my team hitting .400 today, they only have one RBI. Can't say I approve of that.

2:58 PM: Despite not giving up an earned run, Wandy Rodriguez was taken out of the game after 5 2/3 innings pitched. We'll see if that becomes significant.

3:05 PM: Funnily enough, since boots~ had 4 pitchers going he had to take Detroit's closer out of his lineup, who promptly got a save today. I almost feel sorry for him.

3:09 PM: Here's a shocker, Denard Span struck out again Greg Smith. Hmmm...perhaps my logic was sound to pick up Smith? Maybe not, he just gave up a double to Big Poppi Punto.

3:13 PM: RBI single for Morneau, against my pitcher. Not upset though. That's why they call it hedging your bets.

3:58 PM: So Greg Smith has given up 3 runs in 3 innings. I don't mind. That's good for the Twins and I think regardless of what happens with ERA that I'm going to make the playoffs. So whatev. Let's hope Nathan doesn't biff it this time though.

3:59 PM: Wandy Rodriguez got the win. That pretty much seals that category for me.

4:00 PM: All my batters are done for the day. Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez hit a solo home run, my other hitters added a single run on top of that. That's all. So for those of you counting at home, this weekend (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) my team combined for a total of 4 RBI. That's spectacularly lame.

4:04 PM: I just saw one of those lame Channel 9 morning show commercials where they go to New York to see what New Yorkers know about Minnesota. You know, because other morning shows have their studio in New York while Channel 9's studio is local. Anyway, they had New Yorkers try to say hard to pronounce cities in Minnesota, like Ely, Wayzata, and Mahtomedi. Everyone, of course, screws it up. That is until they come across someone who I swear is Stan Lee. Stan easily belts out the city name he's given, "Excelsior!" I laughed fairly hard.

4:12 PM: Redmond just grounded into a double play despite Kubel running on the pitch. And this was a routine ground ball double play. That's just...amazing.

5:04 PM: Well 5 runs in the 6th inning all credited to Greg Smith...who didn't get an out in that inning. Pretty rough...but good for the Twins. But naturally, I pick up Greg Smith and he gives up more earned runs in this start than in any other start hes had this season. Cool.

5:08 PM: I think the accounts of this game are being disseminated by me without the expressed written consent of the Minnesota Twins. I'm a fugitive!

5:49 PM: Frank "With a last name like Francisco I expect a more exotic first name than Frank" Francisco got me an inning and a third of one hit no run ball and garners me a save. The category is tied now and I lead in categories now, 5-4.

6:38 PM: Day games are over, and unless Brandon Webb pitches a shutout with 23 Strikeouts, I think I'm safe. This day will probably end with me winning 5 to 4.

11:29 PM: All the games are over. Webb got rocked which simply amuses me. Here's how the week ended:

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 26 7 20 1 .261 3 5 72 4.61 1.19
Him: 33 4 22 8 .314 1 5 53 6.88 1.75

Aside from Home Runs, my team has some very paltry hitting numbers. And aside from Strike Outs, my pitching numbers aren't anything to write home about either. But, luckily boots~ had an equally bad week and I ended up in the playoffs. Ain't no stopping me now.

Nemesis of The Week:
Nobody springs immediately to mind. Maybe because I won most the pitching categories and my team's hitters played so poorly I didn't deserve to win those categories. But let's check the stats. Brian McCann's a catcher who hits home runs. We all know how I feel about that. So his 3 Run, 2 Home Run, 5 RBI, .375 performance was enough to earn him the dishonor this week.

Savior of The Week:
After Wednesday when Carlos Delgado has his second multi-home run game of the week I figured he was shoe in for savior. But Delgado had equally as bad a weekend as any other hitter on my team. I should note his 4 home runs garnered me the win in the category, but my savior will go to a guy who helped get one and a half categories for me. Dan Wheeler. He pitched 3 innings, had 1 Win, 2 Saves, 5 Strikeouts, a 3.00 ERA, and 0.33 WHIP. He's my Fantasy Savior.

The Moral of this week's story is that looks can be deceiving. You see, I've been planning on making a change of catcher and outfielder. I wanted Kelly Shoppach and Andre Ethier on my team. But because of the player add limit I could only get one today and would have to get the other tomorrow. After a series of internal debates, I went with Shoppach. It looked like a brilliant move as Shoppach played today and Doumit did not. Meanwhile, Adam Lind was playing and so would Ethier but that would be a wash. I thought I was so smart. Of course Adam Lind and Kelly Shoppach combined for 0 RBI. Andre Ethier? A home run and a total of two RBI. I could've tied RBI. Oh well, Ethier will be on my team tomorrow, I'm in the playoffs, and that half a category would have amounted to nothing. No harm, no foul. I'll see you all in the playoffs!

MLB Headlines Week 21

So the Twins finally try to boost their bullpen. They trade for Eddie Guardado giving up a minor league pitcher. He was the Twin's closer before Joe Nathan. "Every Day" Eddie's a decent pitcher these days but not great. Still, he's better than anything else the Twins have...besides Nathan. So you'd think I'd be happy about it, right?
WRONG!!!
The minor league pitcher the Twins traded for Eddie Guardado was Mark Hamburger. I mean come on. With pitchers like Glen Perkins and Dennys Reyes, think of the kind of puns we could do with a guy like Mark Hamburger on the Twins. It's a down right shame...

http://www.mlb.com/ Headline of the Week:
As Labor Day approaches, contenders on the job

Yeah, that's a reach. Even for http://www.mlb.com/.

Teebore:
August 22nd, 2008 - Twins 9 Angels 0
Angels in the outfield no use against homer hitting Twins

August 24th, 2008 - Twins 3 Angels 5
Tragic Crain Collapse: Twins reeling from Jesse's poor pitching in 8th inning Angels rally

August 24th, 2008 - Nationals 1 Cubs 6
Tough loss for Nationals as Harden continues to make Cubs pitching Rich

Dr. Bitz:
August 24th, 2008 - Twins 3 Angels 0
Bullpen bullshit again!

August 25th, 2008 - Red Sox 6 Blue Jays 5
Lowrie launches one and lifts Sox to victory.

August 17th, 2008 - Rays 5 White Sox 6
Dan's wheels come off in ninth

Special Bonus Olympics Pun!!!
Usain's insane bolt garners him gold

Teebore and I tied...again. At least we got two more votes this time. Don't worry folks, it's almost over.

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11:09 AM: I've said it once and I'll say it again. Playing a team that isn't paying attention makes Fantasy Baseball much easier. However, I only recently realized that there's only one week left before the playoffs, and after last week I was on the outside looking in. I'm battling my sister for the last playoff spot, but she's currently losing 3-6 and I'm winning 7-3. So hopefully that keeps up:
R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 33 6 30 2 .337 4 4 48 4.30 1.48
Him: 22 2 9 3 .217 2 3 26 0.49 0.44

Most of the categories are settles already. He has two starting pitchers going today, but they're playing each other, so I think I got Wins. Stolen Bases and Steals are the only two categories really up for grabs. Although, if my opponent's two starting pitchers and two relievers can't combine for one and two-thirds innings pitchers, then he won't make the inning limit and I win all the pitching categories. But I doubt that's likely to happen. However, since he has so few innings pitched, if both his pitchers get rocked, his ERA and WHIP could climb higher than expected. But again, I'm not holding out hope.

12:14 PM: First hitter of the day: Miguel Tejada. He fouled out to the catcher. I assume he did it spicily.

12:45 PM: Typical Sunday so far. My team starts off 0 for 3.

1:54 PM: Got back from Stupid Taco Bell and they screwed up my order. Anyway, Pujols hit a two run homer. So that's nice. And Tejada had a spicy run. That about all. My team is 2 for 14.

2:06 PM: Bitter-sweet two run home run by Carlos Quentin. And since Jermaine Dye doubled and Thome homers putting the White Sox in the lead it's REALLY bitter-sweet. C'mon Rays!

2:07 PM: By the way, I was wrong about my opponents pitchers facing each other. So I'm in jeopardy of losing or tying wins.

2:27 PM: Cueto has given up a run on Jay Bruce's fielding error. I blame Teebore.

2:38 PM: *phew* AJ Burnett is taken out in a tie game. I think I'm safe with Wins.

3:16 PM: A-Rod's on 1st in a tie game. I'm hoping for a steal.

3:19 PM: And Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez disappoints me again.

4:10 PM: Back from shower. Wheeler blew a save for the Rays which is doubly painful. But it's still in extra innings, so let's hope the Rays can still pull it out. Not much else has changed.

4:17 PM: The White Sox win thanks to an AJ Perzynski intentionally 'accidentally' hitting a fielder and acting like he was hit. No bad deed goes unrewarded, I guess. I should probably be quiet now or I'll I sound like an old fuddy-duddy. But the fact is the Rays did have a one run lead in the bottom the 9th with 2 outs and a 3-2 count and couldn't get it done. So in some ways, they have nobody to blame but themselves.

5:12 PM: So the Twins bullpen blows it again and they lose. I'm not surprised. After the White Sox came back in the 9th and won their game on a controversial call, it was down right predictable that the Twins would lose. Not much going on fantasy-wise.

5:25 PM: Uh oh...Mariano Rivera picked up a save tying the category. Anybody surprised Dan Wheeler's blown save is coming back to bite me in the ass? Anybody?

7:05 PM: The day games are done, and all my batters hit. Shockingly, none of them got a steal, despite me needing one. I'm down to hoping Eddie Guardado gets a save. That seems to happen often, lately.

11:30 PM: Hey, here's a shocker. Guardado was brought into the ninth inning of a tie game, gave up a run, and ended up being the losing pitcher. *sigh* This is how it finishes:
R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 38 8 35 2 .316 4 4 59 4.08 1.43
Him: 26 3 13 3 .224 3 4 46 1.82 0.63

Obviously I was never going to win ERA and WHIP. He got lucky that the four starts his pitchers had were all solid ones. I think I'm most bitter about the save. especially since the Dan Wheeler blown save also hurt the Twins. I would go so far as to call it a debacle. My hitting did well again, though. It's just a shame that my pitching staff is so putrid that it'll probably cost me the playoffs.
Overall, I lost a half a category on the day and my sister only managed to win 3 categories this week. Where does this leave me? I'm 2 1/2 categories ahead of my sister going into next week. But if she wins 3 more categories than I do next week, I'm out. It'll be interesting.

Nemesis of The Week:
Dan Wheeler? I suppose not. Rich Harden pitched 14 innings, got 2 wins, 21 Strikeouts, had a 0.64 ERA and .029 WHIP. That's annoying. But I think my fantasy Nemesis of this week is Mariano "I had no saves last week but now that I'm facing Dr. Bitz I'll go nuts" Rivera. He had 3.2 Innings Pitched, 3 Saves, 3 Strikeouts, 0.00 ERA and a 0.27 ERA. Of course really, I wish my team could do better than just 4 Saves.

Savior of The Week:
Well, I'm going to go back to the well, or the toilet as the case may be, and go with Albert "Hehehehe" Pujols. I deem 3 Runs, 2 Home Runs, 10 RBI, and a .579 Average acceptable.

The Moral of this week's story is that steals and saves are surprisingly similar. When you need one, you just never seem to get them.

MLB Headlines Week 20

Barring games where injuries occur, I can't think of a Twins win that felt more like a loss than the wins on Saturday on Sunday. I mean seriously. On Saturday you're leading 5-0 and end up needing 8th and 9th inning heroics to win 7-6. On Sunday you're leading 8-0, I repeat, 8-0, and you end up with one of the games best hitters in Ichiro representing the tying run for the Mariners? Luckily Nathan gets the Twins out of the jam but having to win that game 11-8 is just unacceptable.
The problem is I don't see this getting any better. As the starting pitchers continue to fail to get into the 7th inning the more the bullpen has to be used. The more the bullpen has to be used the more they wear out and the more they suck. The more the bullpen sucks the more relievers need to be brought out to replace the sucking relievers. Thus tiring out the bullpen even more causing them to suck more...am I making any sense? Let's just say it's a vicious cycle that will inevitably end with a Twins game that simply won't finish. The Twins relievers will be so bad that they can't get anybody out and the opposing team will just keep on batting...for eternity! Unless Bud Selig calls the game off.

www.mlb.com Headline of the Week:
Mets get their Maine man back in the rotation

Not sure there's much to comment about on that one. Let's get to our headlines:

Dr. Bitz:
August 17th, 2008 - Brewers 5 Dodgers 7
Los Angeles dodges devastating loss with walk off homer in bottom of the ninth

August 17th, 2008 - Blue Jays 15 Red Sox 4
Mark up a win for Marcum as Blue Jays beat up on Boston

August 15th, 2008 - Mariners 3 Twins 9
Seattle's Silva sucks...shocking!

Teebore:
August 15th, 2008 - Mariners 3 Twins 9
No Silva lining for Carlos in his return to the Dome

August 17th, 2008 - Orioles 16 Tigers 8
Detroit says "no Mora" as Orioles third baseman tears two homers and six RBIs en route to a 16 run victory

August 17th, 2008 - Blue Jays 15 Red Sox 4
Rios dances on the sand with five hits to help the Blue Jays blast Beckett and the BoSox

Well either this bit is getting stale or Teebore and I did a particularly bad job last week. We ended up tying in votes one a piece. I'd say that that just mean Teebore and I voted for ourselves...but I think I forgot to vote as well....oh well, voting to your left.

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1:09 PM: I'm getting started a little late today. I gave blood to the Red Cross this morning then came home and slept. Then I ate. I know this is incredibly exciting to you all. Here's how it looked coming into the day:
R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 31 8 28 0 .259 3 3 40 5.31 1.47
Him: 25 4 25 5 .275 4 2 47 2.65 0.92

My Saturday sucked. I had three starting pitchers and none of them got a win. In fact, Albert Pujols' two home run game is the only thing that redeemed the day. Anyway, my opponent's pitching has been phenomenal, so most of those categories are hers. If I had to predict, I'd say I'll end up losing this week 2-8. I'll only win Runs and Home Runs. But I'm a pessimist.

1:15 PM: OK, let's check where things are at. Things are surprisingly positive! Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez hit a 3-run home run. Off of my opponent's pitcher no less. In the second inning, Jason Giambi's Mustache hit a grand slam off my opponent's pitcher. I'll have Brian Bannister's full line for the day coming up. Aside from that, Rookie Phenom Mike Aviles has a single and a run. Which is good, since I've been debating whether to put in Aviles or Miguel 'Spicy' Tejadas. Yahoo! suggested Aviles yesterday which was a slight mistake. Aviles went 0 for 6, while Tejada only went 0 for 4. (I had A-Rod and Aviles in a 12 inning game and they went a combing 0 for 11 with a run. Awesome.) Anyway, Joe Mauer is up for my opponent (who I traded to my opponent along with Milton 'Mouse Trap' Bradley for A-Puj). Let's see what happens. I'm happy with whatever!

1:21 PM: Mr. Glass walks! That's good all around. Speaking of Mr. Glass, why can he suddenly play day games after night games after I trade him?

1:22 PM: Brian Bannister's official line for the day: 1.0 Innings Pitched, 90 ERA, 13 WHIP. My opponent's ERA ballooned to 4.33. If I get great starts from Randy 'I hate pigeons' Johnson and Rookie Pitching Phenom Clayton Kershaw, I may take ERA! Not likely, though.

1:25 PM: Edgar Renteria stole a base to rub my lack of steals in my face. What a bastard. I won't forget this!

1:26 PM: The Twins take a quick 3 run lead. Let's not have the bullpen blow it this time!

1:27 PM: I was contemplating picking up Glen Perkins for today. I went with Kershaw instead for the strike outs. But with a 5 run lead, I have to question my decision.

1:34 PM: Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez gets an RBI but is thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double. I like the hustle, but is a 7 run lead a time to try that? Did A-Rod break some sort of ancient Baseball player 'code'? Perhaps we should check the Baseball Tome buried deep within the catacombs of Cooperstown.

2:11 PM: Big Poppi Nick Punto just hit his second double of the game. Maybe I should pick him up? Yeah right....

2:13 PM: Uh oh, Tejada is 2 for 2 and not in my lineup. Mike Aviles is only 1 for 3. Looks like I chose wrong again.

2:20 PM: Kenji Johjima flied out. I only bring it up because I can't say his name without imitating Dr. Evil. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

2:25 PM: Carlos Beltran hit a home run for my opponent. He's trying to make today interesting. If I lose home runs I'll be pissed. By the way, my opponent currently has a .353 batting average. I doubt I'll be winning that category.

2:29 PM: Well, my opponent gets a home run, but I get one right back. Brandon 'Remember me?' Phillips makes a cameo with a 3 run homer.

2:31 PM: According to Yahoo! the Twins are only winning 4 to 0. The Twins have 6 Runs. It's a conspiracy, I tell you! Or Yahoo! is just lame.

2:34 PM: The Twins are actually tacking on runs to their big lead instead of blowing them. What a novel idea! Of course 3 wild pitches makes tacking on runs a bit easier.

2:35 PM: Make that 4 wild pitches in an inning.

2:26 PM: Oops, make that 3 wild pitches and a passed ball.

2:28 PM: Now it's 4 wild pitches and a passed ball.

2:44 PM: Abreu had an RBI double and scored for my opponent, but then Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez singled in Abreu and then scored on a Ransom (who?) home run. So everything negates itself, I guess.

2:48 PM: Haven't even noticed that Randy Johnson is pitching. He's pitched 5 innings, given up 3 runs, and has a disappointing 3 Strike Outs. Unless the Diamondbacks score 4 runs quickly, it looks like no Win for him either.

2:53 PM: What the heck is "Professor" Xavier Nady doing at first base? Just a random thought...

2:54 PM: Why can't the Twins just take care of the Mariners is orderly fashion? Leading 8-0 in the top of the 6th, now the lead is 8-4 thanks to 3 Mariner home runs. Come on Perkins.

3:01 PM: Well Morneau tries to answer the Mariners back with a solo home run. It's big to gain even one run back after a bad inning.

3:43 PM: Bittersweet two run homer by Quentin. I'd rather see the White Sox lose.

3:45 PM: And Dye homered. Which is fine, I guess, but it's as the Mariners cut the lead to 3. Which means Nathan will probably come into the ninth and get a save for my opponent. Or the Twins lose. I don't like either option, really. But I'd rather Nathan get the save.

3:55 PM: Kershaw with a strike out to get the lead in the category. The week is now tied at 5-5.

3:59 PM: So Joe Nathan comes into the game in the bottom of the 8th, two outs, bases loaded, Twins now only leading by two. My prediction? Bases clearing double.

4:01 PM: Honestly my second guess was a strike out. I didn't say it because it wouldn't make for much of a prediction. But Nathan does get a strike out which means strike outs are tied once again.

4:12 PM: Quentin hits a 2 RBI single. He now has the fake grand slam, because his line says 1 Run, 1 Home Run, 4 RBI. My team has 14 RBI today. Yowza.

4:32 PM: So the Twins win and Nathan gets the save...barely. I'll probably state my opinions on the game in the opener, but let's just say I ain't happy. Up 8-0 in the 6th and the go ahead run is on base in the top of the 9th? That just isn't good baseball. But Joe Nathan gets the save to tie the category. I'm down to hoping 'Everyday' Eddie Guardado gets a save in the night game to win Saves.

4:34 PM: Kershaw gets a strike out to take the lead in that category again. But Saves are tied now so I'm losing the week 4-5.

4:43 PM: So Jermaine Dye is pinch hit for by Brian Anderson. I understand that with a big lead you take out guys for rest and defensive reasons, but why take out Dye right before he hits? Wouldn't it make more sense to wait for him to hit and then take him out the next inning in the field for defensive purposes? Then again, knowing what Ozzie Guillen is thinking is downright impossible.

6:39 PM: Back from goofing off. It looks like Kershaw had a good outing of 6 innings 1 run ball, but Chan Ho Park comes in the ninth and gives up 4 runs to tie the game and cost Kershaw the win and most likely giving the Win category to my opponent. Awesome.

6:40 PM: For the night game it'll come down to two things. First, Marlon Byrd vs Milton 'Guess Who?' Bradley. It's all about average, really. So let's hope Marlon Byrd goes 7 for 7 with 7 steals while Milton Bradley goes 0 for 7. Also, if Eddie Guardado can get a save for Texas, that would give me the win in the category. We'll see what happens.

7:42 PM: Milton 'Crossfire' Bradley is on the bench, so Marlon Byrd just needs to get a couple of hits. Since I'm ahead by 16 Runs, 7 Home Runs, and 14 RBI, I don't suspect any pinch hit shenanigans again.

10:14 PM: Marlon Byrd singled in the 8th, but that only makes him 1 for 3. It doesn't look promising. However, Texas is rallying in the ninth and Marlon Byrd is on deck. Another hit MAY get me average. But there's two outs. So he probably won't even get a chance at another at bat.

10:16 PM: Well there's something you don't see every day. Josh Hamilton was apparently intentionally walked to get to Marlon Byrd. It's time to make them pay for that indignity!

10:22 PM: Byrd struck out swinging...of course. So here's how the week ended:

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 40 12 42 0 .274 3 3 51 4.84 1.46
Him: 34 5 28 6 .279 4 3 49 4.14 1.20

Some big Run, Home Run, and RBI numbers for me, but not as big as Teebore's this week. But no matter, they were enough for me to win those categories this week against my opponent. Overall, I simply managed to gain half a category on Sunday, but still lost the week...thanks to the fact that Twins can't close out games very well.

Nemesis of The Week:
Hate to do it, but I think it ends up being Joe Mauer. 6 Runs, 1 Home Run, 4 RBI, 1 Stolen Base, and .444 batting average. I think it's the home run and stolen base that annoy me the most. He only had like 3 home runs in the time I had him, and I can't ever recall him stealing a base for me. But it's good for the Twins, I guess.

Savior of The Week:
Brandon Phillips made a run at it with 4 Runs, 3 Home Runs, and 7 RBI, but his .217 batting average ain't impressing anybody. So, despite the broken record aspect of it all, the honors go to Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez. 6 Runs, 2 Home Runs, 7 RBI, and a .292 batting average. You know what? Executive decision time. A-Rod, you're NOT that Fantasy Savior of the Week. The honors go to Carlos Quentin. 5 Runs, 2 Home Runs, 5 RBI, and .467 Batting Average. Eat it!

The Moral of this week's story is karma's a bitch. I figured by giving blood today I was a shoe in to get at least a couple more categories and win the week. But it was not to be.

MLB Headlines Week 19

Alright, check it out. On Friday, the Twins were a half game behind the White Sox. On Saturday, the Twins won garnering them first place in the division by a half game. At this point Horacio Ramirez, a relief pitcher, went to waivers. Because the Twins had a better record than the White Sox the White Sox were able to claim the relief pitcher on Sunday without the Twins getting a chance at him.
So the White Sox get a new relief pitcher on Sunday, which the Twins could use, and then what happens at the end of the day? The White Sox gained first place again. The sun is shining on Chicago...apparently.
Anyway, if you want my opinion, I think the Twins are on the verge of imploding. They've got sketchy bullpen play and they're making mistakes on defense. They're also leaving a lot more men on base. I think we're going to see more and more games being close through 6 or 7 innings, and then the Twins panic and give the game away. This all spells a division title for the White Sox. In my opinion.
But we all know that 50% of the time I'm wrong 80% of the time.

www.mlb.com Headline of the Week:
Dandy Moss: Amazing catch lifts Bucs past Phils

Get it? There's this famous football player named Randy Moss who's known for making amazing catches, and this baseball player, Brandon Moss, made a DANDY catch to save the game...so he's Dandy Moss! Brilliant!

Teebore:
August 10th, 2008 - Padres 16 Rockies 7
Livan resurrected in Colorado but Padres do all the feasting

August 10th, 2008 - Pirates 3 Phillies 6
Phillies sink Pirates' Ship in Battle of Pennsylvania

August 10th, 2008 - Twins 4 Royals 5
Candlestickmaker missed as Buscher and Baker fail to beat Royals

Dr. Bitz:
August 10th, 2008 - Twins 4 Royals 5
Twins have a Royal screw up that costs them first place

August 10th, 2008 - Red Sox 5 White Sox 6
Buchholz buckles against the other Sox

August 10th, 2008 - Rays 11 Mariners 3
Jackson moonwalks over the Mariners

Last week everyone came to their senses and voted for me. Let's keep it up! Don't stop believin'.............HOLD ON TO THAT FEEEEEEEEEEEELING!!!!!

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11:15 PM: I still hate closers. Just wanted to make sure that was clear. I am facing my brother this week so obviously I want to win big. From Wednesday to Saturday at around 6:00PM all my RBI came about via the home run. Luckily, my team hit 8 home runs in that time span. Unfortunately, all but two of them were solo home runs. Here's how it looks:

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 35 11 23 4 .290 2 3 46 5.52 1.45
Him: 27 8 29 3 .278 5 2 45 3.72 1.22

So I'm not winning big. But I am winning. And if I had to guess, despite most of the categories being close, this is how it will stay. He definitely has Wins (I only have two starting pitchers going today), ERA and WHIP. I was slowly creeping up on ERA and WHIP but Dan Haren got rocked. My pitching is terrible...anyway, let's see what happens.

1:00 PM: First batter of the day is Brandon Phillips. Naturally he grounds out to shortstop.

1:39 PM: Jacobe "Drop the E" Ellsbury stole a base. Can't say I approve of the that.

1:40 PM: Jermaine "The Dominator" Dye just hit a solo home run. Can't say I don't approve of that...provided it doesn't result in a White Sox win.

1:56 PM: Argh, Brian Roberts hit a double, making my opponent 3 for 7. Since it's Sunday, my team is, of course, 1 for 7. My opponent has taken the lead in Average and is now winning the week.

2:00 PM: Make that 1 for 8.

2:07 PM: Now I'm 2 for 11. Quentin hit a 2 run home run. That tied the White Sox up with Boston. I'm conflicted. I'm still losing average but have closed the RBI gap to 3.

2:08 PM: Jermaine Dye singled. Now I'm winning average.

2:40 PM: Jermaine Dye struck out with the bases loaded. Which is only good if the Red Sox come back to beat the White Sox.

3:15 PM: Came back from my shower and I'm losing 6-4 this week. Awesome. Brian Roberts got a steal to take the lead in that category and I'm losing average. Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez managed to get an RBI without hitting a home run, so I'm still trailing RBI by 3.

3:17 PM: So my opponent manages to get two steals today to pass me in the category, for now at least, and my biggest base stealing threat, Carl Crawford, is on the bench for the game today. I think we all know how I feel about that.

3:26 PM: Texas is up 12-6 going into the 9th. Baltimore decides to bring in Sherrill. He's their closer and he's on my team. Needless to say, it's 15-6 now and Sherrill has yet to record an out. Single, walk, homer. Closers...I hate 'em.

3:30 PM: The inning's over for Sherrill. Now I need Baltimore to score 10 runs in the bottom of the ninth to get him a win. And since Texas' closer, Eddie Guardado, also on my team, is coming into the game, it's a definite possibility.

3:35 PM: And of course Brian Roberts, who my opponent has, singles off of Eddie Guardado to now have a 4 for 4 game on a day in which Average was in doubt for my opponent. I mean...come on...

3:45 PM: Well, Eddie Guardado did better than Sherrill. He only allowed one run in an inning.

3:54 PM: This week is slipping away from me. On a Sunday...again. I hate it. But I must go to a birthday dinner for Mrs. Dr. Bitz. That should be more entertaining than this anyway.

7:50 PM: Well, I got back from the birthday dinner. Twins biffed it. Not happy about that. Honestly, with their youth and bullpen issues, I just don't see the Twins pulling it out this year. Then again, I always doubt the Twins and they like to prove me wrong. Let's check the fantasy numbers...I'm scared to look.

7:52 PM: No real change. I'm still losing 4-6. Albert Pujols ia 0 for 1. What I really need is for A-Poo to go like 3-4, with two steals, and 4 RBI. It's possible but then again...well...you get the idea.
7:56 PM: Oh, and if you're keeping score at home, Brian Fuentes (another one of my closers) was brought into the game today in a non-save situation and walked in a run in two-thirds of an inning. So that's three of my closers today brought into non-save situations and none of them could not give up at least one earned run. Fun.

8:57 PM: I'm back from playing real tennis...well...hitting the ball around anyway...actually...ATTEMPTING to hit the ball around....ANYWAY, Alber Pujols is stinky once again in the night game. Fukodome is hitless too, which helps. I think I need two hits from A-Poo to get the win in Average. A Grand Slam would be nice too.

11:30 PM: OK, so Albert *snicker* Pujols didn't come up with a grand slam. He did get a hit that tied average for the week. It's always weird when a category like average is tied...anyway, here's how it ends up:

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 40 13 28 4 .284 3 3 62 5.16 1.43
Him: 31 8 30 5 .284 6 2 46 3.27 1.20

Yeah, I came in winning 6-4 and ended up losing 4-5. Typical Sunday. My team has been getting a lot Runs lately. But 13 home runs to 28 RBIs means a lot of Solo homers. I need more RBI than 28. Oh well...

Nemesis of The Week:
Nobody really stands out. Jacobe Ellsbury's 3 steals don't make me happy. Cliff Lee gets the honors though. He's pissed me off all season. This week he has 2 Wins, 3 Strikeouts, 1.20 ERA, and a 1.20 WHIP. What really annoys me is my brother picked him up in the first week on a whim and he was a part of my brother's miracle Sunday comeback that took ERA away and WHIP away from me. My brother has owned Cliff Lee since then. Lame....

Savior of The Week:
Oy...I guess it'll go to Phat Albert. 6 Runs, 3 Home Runs, 8 RBI , a Stolen Base, and a .455 average. That's why I traded for him.

The Moral of this week's story is home runs aren't everything. Sure they're good, and arguably contribute to four categories, but in the end, you need a bit more than just the long ball. Just ask the White Sox.

MLB Headlines Week 18

Well, well, well, look whose in first place in the division. I'd like to be the first to point out that I've believed in the Twins all along. I always knew they could win big this season.
Seriously, though, it's nice to see the Twins in first place. I know it's August and there's a lot of games left, but I believe before Sunday the Twins had been a half game behind the White Sox 11 other times and couldn't take first place.
So by taking over first place on Sunday the proverbial monkey was taken off their back. Of course, I'd be upset if a literal monkey was lifted from there back. Because, honestly, I'd love to watch the Twins play baseball with spider monkeys clinging to their backs. Hehehehehe....
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, headlines!

www.mlb.com Headline of the Week:
Happy returns: Liriano puts Twins alone in first

OK, I'm a homer. So sue me? Would this headline be better?
Box office smash: Manny rules weekend in LA

I still think The Dark Knight grossed more than Manny, but what do I know?

Onto our headlines:
Dr Bitz:
August 2nd, 2008 - Phillies 2 Cardinals 1
Pujols stinky in Cardinals loss

August 3rd, 2008 - Indians 2 Twins 6
Francisco fantastico in win for Twins

August 3rd, 2008 - White Sox 3 Royals 14
White Sox suffer Royal beatdown...figuratively AND literally!

Teebore:
August 2nd, 2008 - Indians 5 Twins 1
Byrd flies away with a win

August 2nd, 2008 - Astros 5 Mets 4
Wagner conducts blown save of operatic proportions

August 3rd, 2008 - Red Sox 5 Athletics 2
Dice-K slays A's

Teebore won last week. Not sure why you people insist on voting for him. Believe in Dr. Bitz! Voting to your left.

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12:15 PM: I hate closers. I just hate them. I had Pittsburgh's closer, but he got injured. Eventually, I picked up Pittsburgh's replacement closer. Then the next day he was traded to the Yankees and no longer closing. So I pick up Pittsburgh's next closer, Grabow. However, he had a bad day. So the next day Yates the save. So I drop Grabow and picked up Yates, and in Pittsburgh's next save opportunity? Grabow gets the save. LAME!
Anyway, all this wouldn't be a big deal except EVERY SINGLE closer has been picked up in our league. I'm in the shallowest ten team league ever since most people don't pay attention, except for closers, apparently. Actually, there is one closer available, Masa Kobyashi. And he is what we like to call in the business, a disaster. Here's how it looks:
R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 33 8 37 5 .307 3 3 43 5.58 1.52
Him: 30 10 35 2 .316 3 0 25 4.02 1.41

My hitting is do fairly well, but his team has been keeping pace, thanks to a certain vegan. My pitching is pretty much a disaster again. I think I have Strikes and Saves, he has ERA and WHIP. The rest of the categories are up for grabs. But he has two starting pitchers today and I have one, so I don't like my chances with Wins. But that's why they play the game...or something.

12:16 PM: Nothing fantasy-wise yet. But I'm watching the Yankees play the Angels and Darrel Rasner is imploding. I'm sure glad that guy's no longer on my team. But if the Angels win this game they will have played 3 games against the Red Sox and 3 against the Yankees and will have won 5 of 6. Twins, that's what a real team does against good teams. You could learn a thing or two...like how to spend money.

12:26 PM: First batter of the day is Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez. He's got a man on second. Let's see what he got!

12:28 PM: And Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez strikes the *Expletive Deleted* out. What a waste.

1:08 PM: Brandon Phillips singles, helping out my average, but Corey Hart singles for my opponent, and steals a base. I'm not liking that.

1:09 PM: So the TBS announcers keep talking about the first inning woes of Darrel Rasner. Maybe there's a curse on pitchers whose last name start with Ra?

1:13 PM: Quentin and Delgado both strike out swinging....sounds like a typical Sunday for me.

1:30 PM: Oh look, Corey Hart stole another base. I'm only leading steals by one. Awesome.

1:33 PM: "Do It All" Doumit singles. A player scored but apparently it was on an error so no RBI. Lame!

1:37 PM: And of course Prince Fielder doubled to make up for Doumit's single and then some.

1:47 PM: Stupid players on the same team with the same last name. I see "Rodriguez homered to deep left" for the Yankees and I get excited. But it's just Pudge who hit it.

1:53 PM: So A-Rod's up with a man on first and third and nobody out. Sounds entertaining.

1:56 PM: A-Rod walked...I love me my walks.

2:01 PM: "Professor" Xavier Nady (No longer on my team) just ground rule doubled. Derek Jeter scored for my opponent but A-Rod had to stop at third. Sounds about right.

2:04 PM: A-Rod managed to score. So that's good. Brandon "Good, but not really as good as I had hoped" Phillips just walked. A steal would be nice.

2:09 PM: At least my opponent isn't having a very good Sunday either. My opponent is out hitting me, and out stealing me, I guess, butwe both have just one run and no RBI.

2:28 PM: Abreu hit Jeter home. So that's another run for my opponent. Then A-Rod comes up and gets a single. Or as I like to say, gets a Not-A-Homer.

2:31 PM: Carlos Delgado singles. I'm only .04 behind in average now.

2:32 PM: "Professor" Xavier homers. I should've never dropped him. He got A-Rod a run though, so I keep a 3 Run lead over my opponent.

2:47 PM: Just saw a big fight between the White Sox and Royals. And as much as I enjoy seeing AJ Pierzynski get clocked, he didn't do anything wrong. He was just trying to hold back the batter from pummeling his pitcher.

2:51 PM: Teixera just hit a grand slam to put the Angels on top of the Yankees 9 to 8 with two outs in the 8th inning. Mariano Rivera would've come in in the ninth, too. If I'm a Yankee fan I'm thinking one thing..."Ouch".

2:58 PM: Aramis Ramirez hit a solo home run for my opponent. Right now I'm thinking one thing..."Ouch".

3:09 PM: The Yankees scored to tie the game. There's one out, bottom of the 8th, Bases Loaded, Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez at bat. They all say A-Rod isn't clutch. Let's find out...

3:10 PM: Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez safe at first on an error. A run scores...but no RBI. I'm not sure where an error rates on the clutch scale.

3:12 PM: I stand corrected. A-Rod did get an RBI. I suppose because even if he was out at first the run would've scored.

3:18 PM: A-Rod came around to score. 5 Run 8th and Jeter has no part in it. I like it.

3:19 PM: Carl *Garbage* Crawford strikes out. BJ Upton manages to hit a two run homer. Carl Crawford? 0 for 4 on the day.

3:22 PM: Brian "Just Call Me Eddie Guardado" Fuentes came in for a save and promptly loads the bases with one out. He got out of it, but I wouldn't mind a nice one-two-three inning.

3:23 PM: Despite my disdain for the Upton home run (as opposed to a Carl Crawford home run), that homer did put J.P. Howell in line for a vulture win. That would be big.

3:25 PM: So Troy Percival comes in for the save and immediately gives up a game tying solo homer to Curtis Granderson. None of that has much fantasy impact on my or my opponent's team...except that completely ruins the possible vulture win for J.P. Howell. I....HATE....CLOSERS!!!! I need a shower.

3:56 PM: Got back from my shower. Heard Juan Rincon give up a solo home run. Just like old times! Only I was happy about it. So, let's check the scoreboard.

3:58 PM: Not a whole lot changed. Doumit got an RBI. Ichiro Suzuki stole a base to *sigh* tie the category. That's about all.

4:01 PM: AJ Pierzynski just hit a solo homer for my opponent. Ugh. I'm so glad my White Sox were taken out of the game but AJ stayed in to hit a meaningless homer. I hate the White Sox. I hate Fantasy Baseball.

6:13 PM: OK, so here's hot it stands. I'm ahead in runs and RBI by two, he's ahead in home runs by 4, steals are tied, and he's leading average by .02 points. We're tied in Wins. I have Albert Pujols hitting and Todd Wellemeyer pitching (both Cardinals) for me tonight and he has Shane Victorino hitting and Brett Myers pitching (both Phillies) for him tonight. Basically tonight I'm a huge Cardinals fan, and he's presumably a huge Phillies fan. What I need to happen is this, Albert Pujols goes 6 for 6 with 5 Home Runs and a single with a steal. I need Shane Victorino to go 0 for 4. All resulting in a win for Todd Wellemeyer. But...I'm not optimistic. I mean, sure, it COULD happen. And my wife COULD agree to have a threesome with Scarlet Johansen and upon agreeing to that Scarlet Johansen COULD randomly show up on our doorstep looking for a good time. But the odds are not in my favor.

7:32 PM: Well, my plan has been foiled. Pujols starts out the game stinky...hehehe....I may steal that for the headlines. Anyway, he grounded out. The good news is the Cardinals scored giving my pitcher a 1-0 lead and Shane Victorino is on the bench. It's hard to take over RBI and Runs from the bench.

7:59 PM: Argh...Pujols grounds out again. By my calculations Pujols needs to go 1 for 1, 2 for 2, or 2 for 3 the rest of the game depending on how many at bats he has. Not likely though.

8:12 PM: Why is there a Texas/Toronto game going on right now? Not that me or my opponent have any players on either of the teams. But still, it's odd.

8:25 PM: Stupid Chase Utley hitting a stupid home run off of my stupid pitcher. I hate that guy.

8:34 PM: Pujols flied out...crap. Now I need him to get two more at bats and get a hit in each of them.

9:21 PM: *An incredibly long expletive laden tirade which was offensive to approximately 6 cultures, both Sexes, and could've possibly landed Dr. Bitz in prison for reasons of National Security has been edited out of this log for the sake of basic human decency.* The Phillies bullpen just gave up the lead costing Wellemeyer the win. Then Shane Victorino came in to pinch hit and hit 3 run homer. I can't win Wins now, Average is completely out of the question, and now my opponent leads in RBI...by one. Hey, maybe Shane Victorino can come up to bat again and get a steal and two runs to take those categories too! Why not?

9:37 PM: A-Poo is coming up to bat with two men on base. The fans are cheering, they apparently don't realize he's on my fantasy team which means he's about to hit into a double play. I know you're all thinking I want a home run. It would be nice. But what would be nicer is a bases clearing double followed by a steal. But really, I might as well wish to start crapping gold. Or should I say, wish for gold to start coming out of my Pujol.

9:42 PM: So my double play prediction was a bit pessimistic. Pujols walked instead...yay...I'm so bitter right now that I don't even know what to say.

10:07 PM: The night games are over and I'm more pissed than Teebore's mattress. This is how it looks:

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 37 8 40 5 .305 3 4 48 4.85 1.45
Him: 36 13 41 5 .313 3 0 32 3.78 1.34

That's right, my opponent comes into the day losing 4-5, and ends up winning 5-3. He comes into the day trailing steals by 3 and gets 3 steals on Sunday...one more steal than he's had the enitre week before today. He enters the night game trailing by 2 in RBI and his player is on the bench...yet manages to get 3 RBI and take the category from me. Awesome. What's more infuriating is he probably isn't even paying attention to appreciate this.
40 RBI should be good enough to win the damned category and 8 home runs isn't that bad! God f'in damnit!

Nemesis of The Week:
Well, the week started with Torii hunter as the prime candidate. He hit 3 home runs in as many days. But he didn't play most of the weekend due to family issues. So today I was positive that it was going to be Prince Fielder. 6 Runs, 5 Home Runs, 6 RBI, and a .400 batting average. But he's a vegan, so I kind of like him. But more importantly, Shane Victorino just pissed me the f' off tonight. 6 Runs, 2 Home Runs, 6 RBI, a steal, and .333 batting average for the week. Maybe not as good as Prince...but damnit, that pinch hit 3 run homer just killed me.

Savior of The Week:
You know what, if it's anybody, it's A-Rod...but really, no savior for this week. 3 Categories just isn't good enough.

The Moral of this week's story is to NEVER, EVER play fantasy baseball. And pinch hit home runs suck hard core.