Thursday, May 22, 2014
Game of Thrones 4x07: Mockingbird
Opening Credits Map
King's Landing -> Dreadfort -> Winterfell -> The Wall -> Braavos -> Meereen
Tyrion is back in his usual cell shooting the breath with Jaime. Tyrion requests that Jaime be his champion for the trial by combat. Jaime breaks the news that learning to sword fight with his left hand has not gone well. Tell me about it. I once tried to masturbate with my left hand and nearly ended up in the hospital!
Anyway, after Tyrion and Jaime have a laugh about ending the Lannister name with both their deaths (cheerful lot, these Lannisters...or anybody in Game of Thrones), Tyrion says he wants to see Bronn. Bronn was good for one trial by combat; surely he'd be up for another, right? Then Tyrion asks Jaime the fateful question of who Cersei's champion will be...
Cut to the Mountain. He came to King's Landing to do two things: Chew bubblegum and cleave random prisoners\sparring partners in half. And bubblegum doesn't exist in Westeros. Eventually the fodder being fed to Ser Gregor stopped even attempting to fight and just begged for mercy. I think you can all guess how well that strategy worked out.
Eventually Bronn moseys into Tyrion's cell dressed to the nines. Apparently he's to wed Lollys Stokeworth and become an honest-to-goodness noble. He can even get himself his own castle after some light murdering. Long story short, Tyrion can't offer Bronn anything better than Lollys Stokeworth so Bronn decides to not be cleaved in half by the Mountain. Tyrion seems accepting of this but I think he's pretty pissed inside. Or just scared. Maybe he had the piss scared out of him?
Enter Oberyn. After some small talk of not-as-hideous-as-expected baby Tyrion and Cersei pinching baby Tyrion's penis he gets to his point. The Mountain raped and killed his sister. Oberyn wants revenge. Oberyn will be Tyrion's champion. Tyrion seems a bit heartened by the news.
On the Road Towards the Vale
Arya and the Hound come across a dying farmer. He was stabbed and his hut was burned down. The farmer knows he's going to die but is still hanging on. Arya asks why he doesn't just let go and die. The farmer says this is better than nothing. Arya says that nothing is nothing. It is neither better nor worse than anything. If it were me, I'd disagree and say nothing is better than worse but worse than better. But it doesn't matter what I think, the farmer thinks Arya is spouting off some profound truths. Unsurprisingly, Arya's boyfriend demonstrates to Arya on the farmer how to stab a man in the heart. Thus ended the great philosophical debate of Arya and Random Dying Farmer.
Then some dude totally jumps on the Hound and bites him. The Hound is all, “Woah! This is Game of Thrones; not The Walking dead. Get your nihilistic, pop culture hit TV shows straight!” It's a good thing this isn't The Walking Dead, though, because the Hound would totally be infected. Instead he's just annoyed and quickly dispatches the biter.
The Hound turns around to find another man. He informs the Hound that there's a bounty on his head. Arya recognizes the would-be bounty hunter as one of the less-than-gentlemanly prisoners that was with her on the way to the Wall. He's an ass but Arya doesn't know his name so he can't be on her list. Luckily, Rorge stupidly obliges Arya by giving her his name. Arya then makes her boyfriend proud by showing off what he just taught her. Oh, Arya, you're such a heartbreaker! I'll be hear all night folks!
Later, Arya and the Hound share a romantic campfire. The Hound is trying to stitch his bite wound but Arya wants to cauterize that bitch! But the Hound is all, “Fire bad! Me no likey!” Pussy.
The Hound then talks a little about when, as kids, the Mountain put his face in a fire for stealing a toy. On a scale from 1-10 of sucktitude the burn was like a 6, the smell an 8 and the fact that it was his brother and his parents covered it up was a solid 10. Arya then agrees to wash his wound and help stitch it up. There may be hope for these two crazy kids yet!
Daenerys finds Daario in her chamber. He brought her flowers. She's unimpressed.
Daario says he's good at killing men and doing the nasty. (He and Podrick should have a woman-pleasing contest!) There's no one to kill in Meereen and the only woman worth doing is rejecting Daario. So, Daenerys asks Daario to take off his clothes and then takes in an eyeful. Mhysa likes!
The next morning Jorah comes to find Daario leaving Daenerys' quarters and he's not too pleased. Neither am I because I hate love triangles. Jorah asks Daenerys about Daario and she's all, “He's just a stiff pole to fill my hole. Ain't no real thang.” To prove it's nothing serious she informs Jorah that she sent Daario and the Second Sons to Yunkai to do some slave master killing.
Jorah advises a modicum of mercy. Daenerys isn't haven't any of that. Jorah then said he once sold slaves and if Ned Stark hadn't shown him a modicum of mercy he wouldn't be able to help Daenerys now. Daenerys is like, “Ned who? He's SO first season.” But she sees Jorah's point and figures that Hizdahr zo Loraq doesn't have any family, friends or community responsibilities so he should be free to be an ambassador to Yunkai. Hizdahr will go with Daario and let the masters at Yunkai know they either stop their slave owning ways or get executed.
Daenerys also makes a point to Jorah to make sure Daario knows it's Jorah who changed her mind. The love triangle…uh…obtuses?
Melisandre is bathing. Selyse walks in and they discuss stuff. I was admittedly distracted by Melisandre's boobs. But the gist of it is that they're leaving Dragonstone and Selyse doesn't want to take the Shireen since she was cursed by the Lord of Light. But Melisandre says Shireen needs to come with.
Then Melisandre talks about how she uses drugs and trickery to make people follow the Lord of Light because the ends justify the means. Beyond that, even when people realize they've been duped it's usually after they've figured out the Lord of Light is the one true Lord. (I would think directing them to the brotherhood's resurrecting man would be more effective.)
Jon Snow suggests sealing the tunnels to guard against Mance and the wildlings. Alliser Thorne thinks Jon should do less suggesting and more stewarding. Alliser then asks First Builder Yarwyck if they should seal the tunnel. I think Yawyck agrees with Jon Snow but, in the end, acquiesces to Alliser. The tunnels stay open. I'm sure that will work out well.
On The Road Towards The Vale But Totally Not Where Arya And The Hound Are At
Brienne and Podrick decide to stop at an inn for some food and shuteye. The food is kidney pie and it's served, coincidently enough, by Hot Pie! And he loves talking kidney pie. Brienne isn't very interested in Hot Pie's culinary conversation, though.
Hot Pie asks what Brienne is up to. Brienne says she's looking for Sansa Stark. Hot Pie calls the Starks traitors and high tails it out of there.
On their way out Podrick chastises Brienne for telling other people they're looking for Sansa Stark since there's a price on Sansa's head. As if on cue, Hot Pie shows up and spills the beans (kidney beans?) on everything he knows about Arya. Brienne gloats to Podrick. I mean, of course she'd be at an inn that happened to have a worker whose one of, like, three people in Westeros that knows Arya is alive and is trustworthy enough to give up all he knows about Arya to the first person who looks nice and mentions the Starks. It was the obvious outcome. What was Podrick worried about?
The Vale of Arryn
Sansa sees it's snowing and is reminded of home. This inspires her to make a snow castle of Winterfell. Robin comes along and they seem to have a genuine bonding moment. (The moment is about killing their enemies but, hey, you take what you can get from Game of Thrones.)
Robin and Sansa agree to put a moon door in their Winterfell but when Robin goes to do it he tips over one of the towers. Sansa certainly gets snotty with Robin (as Sansas are known to do) but when she does Robin freaks the hell out and destroys the entire snow castle. This prompts Sansa to slap Robin. Slapping petulant, sociopathic children with too much authority? You really are your husband's wife, Sansa!
Robin runs away and Petyr Baelish creeps his way in. He praises Sansa for slapping him. Sansa wants to know the real reason Baelish killed Joffrey. He says it was revenge for the women he loved like no other, Catelyn. He says in another world he could have been Sansa's father. He then says Sansa is even more beautiful than her mother. Then, this would-be father of Sansa's, kisses Sansa. I get officially skeeved out.
Well, this is fiction, so no two people can share an illicit kiss without the person being perpetrated against looking on. Sure enough, Lysa was on the balcony watching the entire thing unfold. So she calls for Sansa and brings her to the moon door. If I were Sansa I'd get nowhere near the thing but she's either too scared or ignorant to not walk right up to the edge.
Lysa first talks about watching people be tossed down the moon door. She then freaks out about the Sansa/Baelish kiss. She says she'll always kill anyone who stands between her and Petyr. Just as she's about to toss Sansa down the moon door Baelish interrupts.
Petyr calms Lysa down. He reassures her that he only has one love. Petyr has only loved one woman his entire life. To the surprise of no one he says it was Lysa's sister. Then down the moon door Lysa goes! So now both parents of a rich child have been murdered. I thought that was Batman's origin story, not Robin's!
Sorry for the lateness of this review. Work, life and laziness got in the way.
When Jaime told Tyrion that he was the last friend Tyrion had I thought, "Except for Bronn!" But, I was kind of wrong on that account.
So Tyrion asks who the champion is and then they just smash cut to a giant guy I don't recall ever seeing. I mean, I assumed it was the Mountain but I wasn't positive. Then Cersei calls him Ser Gregor, which sounded like the Mountain's real name but I had to look it up to be sure. I'm just saying the show could've helped me (and people of my ilk) out a little bit.
It seemed almost uncharacteristic of the Hound to give water to the dying man before killing him. Is Arya rubbing off on him?
I was just waiting for Melisandre and Selyse to get it on. That's not because I'm a dirty old man (which I most certainly am). It's because the scene was totally played off that way.
Is it just me or did Sansa's hair look especially red this episode?
I was very amused that Baelish was only shoulder height for Sansa.
It was really disappointing that Sansa didn't fight against the kiss more (or at all?). I don't like the implications. But maybe she was too stunned/scared to react.
Baelish swore to all the gods that he'd send Sansa away. I'm assuming, with Lysa dead, he won't. It's probably just a throw away lie by Petyr but it would be interesting if that promise came back to bite him.
Lysa said something interesting during her tirade. She said anyone who stood between her and Petyr died: Her father, her husband and her sister. Well, we know about the husband but I don't think we've heard anything about her father? And I wonder if she had some hand in her sister's death too?
I will give it to Game of Thrones for this. When Littlefinger, Sansa and Lysa were all around the moon door I could have envisioned a scenario where either of the three went plummeting to their death. You knew someone was going (and Lysa was odds on favorite) but it was suitably tense and a little unpredictable. Heck, I could have even seen Robin showing up and going through the moon door.
Petyr telling Lysa that he only ever loved Catelyn was kind of a dick move. I mean, he could have just pushed her down the moon door and let her die in a state of confusion instead making sure she knew exactly how unloved she was in her final moments.
So, obviously, Baelish was planning on killing Lysa at some point. But was this the plan? Did he let his emotions get the better of him or did he analyze the situation and know he could away with the murder at that time? Does he even have to get away with it? How does the inheritance of the Vale work?
Assuming he doesn't care that she's married, Petyr Baelish is free to try and hump Sansa all he wants. So we all have that to look forward too!
Tyrion: Of course it's a joke. Just not a very funny one.
Hot Pie: M'Lady. M'Lord. Could I have a word?
Brienne: What about? Not Kidney Pie.
Robin: When we get married, you can tell me if you don't like somebody and then we can bring them back here and, whoosh! Right through the moon door!
Sansa: I like the sound of that.
Season 4 Totals
Boob Count: 26 (Melisandre's)
Full Frontal Count: 4 (3 Female, 1 Male)
Butt Count: 9 (7 Female, 2 Male)(One of each sex this episode. Game of Thrones was an equal opportunity butt giver this time!)
Coitus Count: 4
Main Character Death Count: 3 (Joffrey, Karl and Lysa)(Who'd have thought a noble would fall victim to their own favored form of execution?)
Hodor Count: 40