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Monday, July 23, 2012

Game of Thrones Distilled: Winter is Coming


A couple months ago I started watching Game of Thrones. I don't really have to review it or anything. It's good, could use a bit more action but has an intriguing plot, great acting and boobs (which are always appreciated). Blah, blah, blah. You've all heard it before. My point is when I watched the first episode I started thinking that if you distilled the plot into basic bullet points the show would sound downright crazy. I decided to put this into practice and, if it's entertaining, may continue to do so. Here we go with the first episode:

  • Creepy blue human thingies chase three dudes.
  • Two dudes die. One Dude escapes.
  • Opening Credits (A map of cities): King's Landing, Winterfell, The Wall, Pentos.
  • In Winterfell a boy, Bran, practices archery and is teased by his brother. His sister, Ari, shows him up with superior archery skills (forgoing her more girly duties).
  • Bran’s father, Lord Ned Stark, decapitates the dude who escaped the blue human thingies. He makes sure 10-year-old Bran watches the beheading. (FYI: Ned Stark is one of the “good guys.”)
  • Ned Stark says “Winter Is Coming.”
  • A large, dead wolf (AKA “a direwolf”) is found. Its five cubs are adopted by Ned’s children.
  • A 6th cub, the runt of the litter, is found and given to the bastard Jon Snow, Ned’s bastard son.
  • In King’s Landing a dude is dead.
  • At the dude’s funeral, Queen Cersei and her brother, Jaime, talk about something which none can know about.
  • The dude was Ned Stark’s friend. Lady Stark feels bad. Also, the King is coming to Winterfell.
  • King Robert Baratheon arrives and he’s fat, gregarious and totally the dude from The Full Monty.
  • King Robert tells Ned he wanted to bang his sister before she died.
  • King Robert wants Ned to be “The Hand of the King” (AKA broskies).
  • A dwarf gets a blow job.
  • The dwarf, Tyrion Lannister, is interrupted by his brother, Jaime, who brings him more women to fuck. (I would like him for a brother...well...until you find out other things.)
  • The King is sad.
  • Far, far away a blonde girl, Daenerys Targaryen, looks sad.
  • Her brother, Viserys, feels her up. (No wonder she’s sad.)
  • Viserys says she’s to be married and warns her not to wake the dragon…which may or may not be a euphemism for his penis.
  • Daenerys takes a bath in water too hot for her. She doesn’t care.
  • A muscular man, Khal Drogo, rides up, eye fucks Daenerys and then rides away.
  • Visrys says he’d let Drogo, his men and their horses vaginally penetrate her if it meant him gaining control of Drogo’s army. Daenerys is unimpressed with this arrangement.
  • In Winterfell, Ned Starks’ daughter, Sansa, is to marry the King’s son, Joffrey.
  • The King feels up some wenches in front of the Queen.
  • Bastard Jon Snow meets his uncle. Bastard Snow wants to go to The Wall. The uncle says he’s not ready.
  • Bastard Snow then talks with the non-bastard dwarf Tyrion. They talk of bastards, what it’s like to be a bastard and the essence of bastards.
  • Ned Stark is still convinced winter is coming.
  • The Queen asks Sansa if she’s had her period yet. She has not.
  • A food fight occurs.
  • Lady Stark is informed that the dead dude in King’s Landing was killed. Ned Stark must become Hand of the King to protect King Robert.
  • During Daenerys and Khal Drogo’s wedding people have sex in public and kill each other. The whole affair is considered a success.
  • Daenerys is gifted some dragon eggs.
  • Khal Drogo gives Daenerys a wedding gift of a horse which they ride on a one way trip to pound town.
  • Daenerys cries mid-coitus. Number of shits Drogo gives: Zero
  • Bran is climbing up a wall. He comes across Jaime inserting his penis into his sister, the Queen.
  • Jaime decides the best plan of action is to push 10-year-old Bran off the wall to his death. He does so…for the sake of love.
  • End Credits.

6 comments:

  1. A dwarf gets a blow job.

    Laugh-out-loud moment #1

    ...warns her not to wake the dragon…which may or may not be a euphemism for his penis.

    I'm still not sure how euphemistic that statement is...

    Daenerys is unimpressed with this arrangement.

    Laugh-out-loud moment #2

    Bastard Snow then talks with the non-bastard dwarf Tyrion. They talk of bastards, what it’s like to be a bastard and the essence of bastards.

    This sentence made me think of Bart's song about Homer's half-bother, in which he sings "bastard" in various tempos, it's use having been reluctantly approved by Homer.

    Khal Drogo gives Daenerys a wedding gift of a horse which they ride on a one way trip to pound town.

    Laugh-out-loud moment #3

    Daenerys cries mid-coitus. Number of shits Drogo gives: Zero

    Aaaand, #4.

    You totally need to keep doing these.

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  2. Ha!

    I would like him for a brother...well...until you find out other things.

    Eh... You'd be fine, possessing dude parts. What you don't want is your wife having him for a brother. (Unless you're talking about his general ruthlessness, I guess, but my impression was that it was mostly the twincest.)

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  3. @Teebore: "I'm still not sure how euphemistic that statement is..."

    Especially since later I believe Cersei says the Targaryens were known for keeping their bloodlines pure.

    @Blam: Yeah, it would be the twincest thing. Even though I wouldn't be involved, it'd still be weird having my siblings doing each other.

    @Anne: "i really liked pound town"

    EVERYONE likes pound town. Well, except Varys. Because, you know, he doesn't know what he's missing.

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  4. Speaking of Game of Thrones and The Simpsons, when I first started watching this show, before I knew most of the names, I regularly referred to the Targaryens as the Tanzarians, because it was easier for me to remember.

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  5. @Matt: At least you were able to pseudo-remember their names. I only use vague descriptions or look up the names online.

    (If Teebore's brother is looking, that's not a criticism of the show but of my brain.)

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