Dr. Bitz's Answers to Life!

For those of you who don't know, boots~ has put together a little book. What he did is he went and asked around 300 people the same three questions. He then compiled the questions into book form and sprinkled in his own wrong opinion and some wrong opinions of other. By 'wrong' I pretty much mean that they don't agree exactly with what I think. Which I'm pretty sure is the definition of 'wrong' in Merriam-Webster's dictionary. You could look it up if you don't believe me.
Anyway, I know you probably all think that I'm upset that someone would have the audacity to write a book without my permission. You'd be right. But what really grinds my gears is the fact that I, the one and only Dr. Bitz, was never asked these three questions for the book. (And no, the fact he didn't know me very well at the time is no excuse. Everybody knows me, even if they don't know it.)
But now I've realized why boots~ couldn't ask me his questions for the book. My answers would be too good. In fact, my responses would end up being the 'answer key' you'd find at the back of the book. And having the indisputably right answers in a book that's designed to spark discussion simply wouldn't do. That has to be the reason I was not included in the book.
However, this blog is not a part of the book so I am free to ruin the questions with my correct answers. So, without further ado, here are Dr. Bitz's answers (and therefore the definitive answers) to the three questions raised in "A Book Called Life."

1. What is Life? Life is any organism that reproduces or anything that is sentient.

2. What are four things that you personally need to live/survive? Nourishment (Food/Water), Shelter, A Willingness/Drive to keep on living, and Masturbation. (Frankly, you could scratch out 'personally need' and pencil in 'everybody needs' for this question.)

3. What is the meaning of life? I know what you all think I'm going to say, "lesbian porn." And I'll admit that it's a close second. However, there is a better two-part answer to this question. First, if you're not sentient then the meaning of life is to reproduce. Otherwise, if you are sentient, the meaning of life is to leave the world in better shape than when you came into it. (You can do this in a large scale way or a small personal way. Just make sure you remain happy while doing it.)

And there you have it. Those are my answers. Right now I'm doing a crotch chop and telling you all to 'suck it' because I just came up with the best possible answers to those questions. And yes, I'm aware that the year 2000 just called and wants its lewd gesture and phrase back. WHAT-EV!

Anyway, if you'd like to learn more about "A Book Called Life" and other intellectual endeavors by boots~ feel free to visit his website.