Roger Ebert once said "The pun, it has been theorized, is the lowest form of humor." This has never stopped sports websites from doing their best to keep the pun alive and kicking.
In my watching of sports throughout the years I happen to visit sports websites frequently. I'm referring to major websites like www.mlb.com, www.nfl.com, etc. One thing all these sites have in common is an unnatural fetish for "clever" headlines usually involving some sort of pun.
The pinacle of this happened on 9/6/2006. Anibal Sanchez pitched a no-hitter for the Florida Marlins. The headline on www.mlb.com was "Rook is King!" I was very confused. Obviously I get the chess reference of Rook and King, but how does rook relate to Anibal Sanchez?
I did a bit of looking around and found out that he was rookie. Get it, rookie...ROOK! That's right, they were so desperate to create a clever headline that they decided to call the guy rook because he was a rookie. It just all seemed a bit...obscene.
I had a vision of a bunch writers sitting around watching the end of Sanchez throwing a no hitter. They start to discuss what the headline for this occasion should be. I picture their conversation went something like this:
Writer A: Wow, this has got be the top story on the website!
Writer Z (Who is, of course, a new comer): Yeah, the headline will read 'Sanchez pitches no-hitter!'
*The rest of the writers laugh uproariously*
Writer B: You've got a lot learn about the headline writing business, rookie.
Writer C: Speaking of which, Anibal Sanchez is a rookie. Heck of a start for a first year pitcher, right?
Writer A: Wait. I've got a headline coming to mind.
*A hush falls over the writers room as they all stare at Writer A*
Writer A: 'Rookie Sanchez does not play hookie'...hmm..hold on...that's not it.
*The writers still keep quiet anticipating the fantastic headline to come*
Writer A: 'Rook-ed not crooked'...no...'Rook plays Diamondbacks as pawns'..close...but still not it.
Writer Z: How about 'Impressive performance by roo'..
Writer B: SHHHHHHH!!!
*All the other writers stare down Writer Z into silence in order to not break Writer A's concentration*
Writer A: Wait, I got it! 'Rook is King!'
All writers except for Writer Z: BRILLIANT!!!
It was at that moment that I decided that I wanted to have the job of being a Major League Baseball headline writer. And yes, I am naive enough to think that somebody has a job whose sole purpose is to sit around and think up stupid, innane, silly headlines for sporting events.
With that in mind I've challenged my fellow bloggers to a Baseball Headline Writing Contest. You the reader can vote on who did the best job each week on the poll located to the right of this blog.
Here are the official rules:
Every Sunday night we each pick three games from that weekend. (Friday through Sunday.) One of those games HAS to be a Twins game. We must then make a headline regarding each of the three games. Every Monday all of our puns are posted and the readers gets to vote on which blogger did the best job that week.
The winner gets...something...I don't know...the right to kick the other bloggers in the nuts...metaphorically?
Anyway, keep in mind this is a www.mlb.com headline writer contest. Which means we’re not JUST limited to puns. (Though puns are regarded as the highest form of sports headline writing.) We can also use alliteration or rhyming to make our headline. Combining all three into one headline would ensure a lifetime of worship by cheesy sports headline writers everywhere.
Obviously it goes without saying that ripping off a headline from www.mlb.com or any sports site is strictly prohibited. It should also go without saying that I will be too lazy to check up on this.
OK, so here we go. But first the www.mlb.com Headline of the Week:
Wang's start a wow
Awesome...now, on to our headlines:
March 31st, 2008 – Angels 2 Twins 3
Game # WON. Without Johann, Twins Livan.
Week 1 (March 31st, 2008 - April 6th, 2008)
Pedro/ Victor catch Martin-ite-ez, take vacation to watch Dora the Explorer.
April 2nd, 2008 - Angels 1 Twins 0
BlackBURN-ed!!! Rookie sizzles, Twins offense scores no-nizzle
April 4th, 2008 - Mariners 4 Orioles 7
Baltimore hit the BALL MORE in win over Seattle
April 5th 2008 - Royals 4 Twins 6
Power surge from Morneau comes Justin time for Twins
April 6th, 2008 - Giants 0 Brewers 7
Sheets blankets Giants in complete game shutout
April 5th 2008 - Rays 6 Yankees 3
Rays do stuff that results in a win
April 5th 2008 - White Sox 5 Tigers 3
The White Sox score more runs than the Tigers over 9 innings which, by rule, means they win the game (Also...JIM THOME ROCKS!!!)
April 6th 2008 - Royals 3 Twins 1
And with our first competition we get our first rules violator. I'm talking about you, boots~. We're supposed to choose a game from this weekend. But if we wanted to exted the game to the whole week I suppose it's up for debate. But, for now, next time I see you I will rap your knuckles with a ruler.
Also, Teebore was a bit busy this weekend so I was his de facto headline writer.