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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Dr. Bitz's Lesbian Porn Eulogy

Through thick and thin lesbian porn had always been there for me one click away on the internet. And although I'm happily married now, I could still turn to lesbian porn to give me a helping hand if all I had at the time was...well...my hand. I accidentally started a fire on the internet and the lesbian porn did not make it through. This has caused me great pain and a feeling of regret that may never heal. The passing away of lesbian porn is a loss that will be felt by millions of lonely guys and tissue manufacturers alike.
Lesbian porn was built on the backs of failed models/actresses desperate for money whose fathers left them at too early of an age. From such downtrodden souls something truly beautiful was born. It was the beauty of two women enjoying each other's bodies being recorded and distributed for profit. Finally, one could enjoy the nude, female form without that damned money shot getting in the way. I mean, seriously! If I wanted to see some dude climax then I'd be gay. But I digress.
They say that behind every great man there is a great woman. Well I say that behind every happy man there is great porn. And to some, there is no porn greater than that of lesbian porn. The thought of an entire generation of horny, awkward, teenage boys going without lesbian porn is truly heartbreaking. I can only hope that some day lesbian porn will rise again like a phoenix from the ashes.
I have a dream. I dream that some day the nipple-to-nipple titillation of lesbian porn will once again enable sexually frustrated adolescent boys to stand at attention. One day a lesbian tongue kiss will indeed again lead to an all female 69 and the men sitting alone and pantless in a dark room staring at this sight to behold on their computer screen will proclaim, "It is good!"
But until then, it is with a heavy heart that I must say, "RIP Lesbian Porn." From now on I will have to settle for that tongue kissing scene between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair in Cruel Intentions...sure it's pretty hot, but it's the only part of that terrible movie worth watching.

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